Christian and Sexy? Is it possible to be both? That’s a hard one to wrap the mind around, at least for me.
As my husband and I learned to give each other more verbal praise in Phase 2 of our marriage, I often shook my head when he told me I was sexy or beautiful. “No, I’m not. But, you are sweet to say so.”
I wasn’t being coy. I just didn’t believe my outer shell to be all that spectacular.
Then, one day, after this exchange, he looked at me in exasperation on the verge of anger, “Are you calling me a liar? Don’t you trust what I say?” He was hurt that I didn’t believe he thought I was beautiful.
I began to contemplate his words seriously and do research.
Here’s what I found
Believe that you are beautiful and alluring to your man, pretty lady!
“… Women delight the hearts of men,” Ecclesiastes 2:8 (NIRV).*
And, once again, I ask WHY? I know that men are visual, but WHY do men delight in women?
Men get a tiny bit ‘high’ viewing a curvaceous figure.
The ‘baby-got-back’ reward
There is documented science. The ‘reward centers’ in a male brain are triggered when a curvy woman is in view. Research at the Georgia Gwinnett College, through MRI technology, measured activity in two pleasure centers of the male brain when an hourglass (smaller waist, larger hips) figure was in view. The overall weight of the woman did not matter, it was just the waist-to-hip ratio.
The brain regions affected are:
1. The orbital frontal cortex (the ‘reward center’)
2. The nucleus accumbens (where the high of drug/alcohol abuse resides)
Yep, there’s proof.
You take his breath away and make his brain go all juicy, especially when he sees your naked body.
The Paradox
Women wish their value to be based on inner beauty more than outer beauty. But, men are wired to respond to outer beauty. Isn’t that just like our Lord, to fashion us as puzzle pieces, one needing the other? In my opinion, subconsciously, females need to be convinced of outer beauty and males need to be convinced of inner goodness.
Nurturing a beautiful spiritual heart is of utmost importance (1 Peter 3:3-4). God’s word speaks of this for both sexes (Psalm 119:1-12).
But, I want you to know it’s OK to acknowledge your physical beauty. Acknowledging physical beauty does not go against God’s word. (Read my guest post: Permission to Feel Beautiful)
It’s when the pursuit of physical beauty trumps everything else, that there’s a problem.
I began to trust my husband, Dave, really did see me as beautiful.
I became more free in my nakedness. It was a slow progression. I constantly had to remind myself that he saw me as beautiful and that’s all that mattered.
Now, we leave the lights on. I am not afraid to sleep sans nightie. Once, I even walked through the house ‘nekked.’
Then, I started to put some emotional clues together. I was afraid to believe his perception of my beauty. If I continued to see myself poorly, then I could never be hurt. But, if I let myself be built up, there was a chance my heart could be crushed in the future. I decided to let go of the fear and trust him with my heart and self-image.
Isn’t this what we have to do with our faith in God? We have to trust him with our fears, our inner-most vulnerability. God has never let me down.
“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him and have been called according to His purpose,” (Romans 8:28)…..In your life, hasn’t He proved this over and over?
It doesn’t matter what shape a wife’s figure is in.
Men delight in the female form. A wife’s female form is the only one a husband is supposed to see naked. AND, as many other writers have pointed out, but let me re-iterate, your husband chose you!!!
You light his fire.
He adores your face, and what’s below it.
He loves your heart and brain, too. But, he can’t SEE that.
The years roll by and the effect takes a toll on both husband and wife. There may be flawless females in the media at every turn. But, he knows they are airbrushed.
He wants a real live curvaceous lovely with a heartbeat. And more than that, he loves who you are!!!
God said, “It is good,” Genesis 1:31. We don’t doubt Him. Your naked form is good.
Now, a strange thing started to happen…..
As Dave saw that I trusted him about my OUTER self. He started trusting me with his INNER self. He began to reveal more and more to me about the workings of his heart. We were connecting emotionally and that filtered over into the boudoir….I was feeling valued for my inner beauty and for my outer beauty which felt very sexy!
See Finding Body Awareness to help you understand how to feel sexy in your skin.
Man Paragraph
Let me clarify, pressure to reveal nakedness will cause the opposite effect. Praise and positive words are the keys to the kingdom.
But, the words have to be authentic, men. There can be no ulterior motive. “If I talk sweet maybe I’ll get lucky,” doesn’t work! Love your lady through genuine gentle verbal communication. I’m willing to bet that if husbands become more open and honest about INNER self, wives will respond. It doesn’t happen overnight. Gentlemen, pray with your wives that they can accept their OUTER beauty and you can share your INNER heart.
Practical Tools:
Beautiful friend, let your heart accept praise and absorb the truth of it, savor it. (Believe it and Receive it!!)
TRUST your Mister’s words about your beauty and sexy-ness, don’t downplay them.
SEXY is an attitude. Look in the mirror (naked) and like what you see, my sisters. If you don’t like what you see practice changing your mindset. Decide to like what you see. Better yet, look in the mirror with your husband (both naked)….after you both stop laughing, tell each other your best characteristics.
PRAY that the Lord will unveil your heart regarding your beauty to your husband.
“Lord, please reveal to the beautiful woman reading this the value of her OUTER and INNER beauty. Give her peace of heart and mind. Bless her marriage with the satisfaction of emotional, spiritual and physical union. May her children view a marriage displaying the love and grace of Jesus. In Jesus’ Name I pray.”
Yes, you really can be Christian and sexy!
**************
(An aside: Who still has their 45 rpm of “The Streak” by Ray Stevens?)
Also see, What if….Your Husband Really Does Love Your Body?, by Scott at Journey to Surrender
Also see, Beauty is in the Eye of the Beholder, by Stuart Tutt.
For the flip side (male perspective) on beauty of the female form, please read: The Most Beautiful Woman in the World at Songsix3.
*The New International Reader’s Version takes a slightly more erotic tone than other versions.
Love this Pearl!!! SO well said and I love what you shared! We too went through this, as there were many years of our marriage where I did not see myself as a beauty. Praise God he is the God of restoration. I know my hubby thinks I am beautiful and when I doubt it, I remind myself that I believe he is sexy and handsome, just the way he is! So I choose to know in my heart that he believes the same!
Love it! Blessings, Kate
Kate, isn’t it a freeing feeling to let go of the fear and just believe? Yes, he is the God of Restoration, in so many ways. Amen! Thanks for you insightful comment!
We once went through a Dr. Kevin Leman Bible Study on marriage, and one of the things that stuck with me is that he said “Men make love to your wife during the day, and she will make love to you at night.” Women pick up fast when praise is given with ulterior motives, it needs to be genuine. And washing the dishes or folding a load of laundry every once in a while doesn’t hurt either!
Thanks for sharing Dr. Leman’s statement, Alecia, it’s truth. AND….there’s nothing sexier than a man who vacuums!
This honestly is one of the hardest things to do! If you have lived a life where you have always had problems with the way you look, especially if you arent’t the first “Mrs”. It takes years and years of work to get to this point and even then, self loathing can rear its ugly head every once in a while. Personally I thought that I would be free of it after losing 60 lbs but it seems to just shift it to other body issues.
You are right, it is a process, it takes time. I am honored that you have shared this struggle here. But, girlfriend, you ARE beautiful. I have just said a special prayer for you and your husband, lovely lady. Accept and believe that your exterior is GORGEOUS and you husband thinks so, too. AND, what a way to get healthy, -60 lbs!!!
Ladies, I have an in-road to how husbands think… being that I ARE one. 😉
Let me assure you, your man thinks YOU are IT! The beez kneez… The cherry on his ice cream sundae… “all THAT and a bag of chips!”
Pearl did a fantastic job of telling you how that works up above… and if you’re so inclined, she also linked to my “Most Beautiful Woman” article describing the same situation from the man’s perspective.
But regardless… when your man tells you you’re beautiful – BELIEVE HIM! He is NOT lying or just saying something to make you feel better. We men all want to convince our wives of how we feel about our ladies, but some of ya’ll are hard to convince!
It has taken me years to truly believe that my husband finds me beautiful and sexy… very powerful post. Thank you so much for reminding us to listen to our husbands and believe them!!!
It’s such a revelation to actually believe and understand our beauty in our husband’s eyes. I’m glad you found the truth of your husband’s words. Thanks for your comment, Nicole!
My husband and I have had a conversation to the one you described between the two of you. He was crushed that I seemed to think he was lying when he expressed his heart! Thanks for a much needed reminder!
Blessing upon you Kasey! It’s hard to put ourselves aside and just absorb what our husband’s say from ‘their heart’, as you so aptly phrased. Are you seeing yourself as beautiful today? I pray that you are!
Kasey,I understand how your husband felt. It is a crushing feeling to think that your wife is so victimized by lack of self-esteem and a right realization of her place in God’s creation and your marriage that she cannot accept your compliments and statements as true. As a husband, it breaks your heart. Do we unwittingly contribute to her pain and lack of confidence with some of our actions? Very likely. But our mistakes do not lessen the truth of our feelings toward our wives. Since you are God’s gift to us, is it not reasonable to believe that he will create within us a passionate desire for you which is fed by what we can see by our eye as well as our heart? God directs us to see what what sustains our desire and blinds us to the rest. The devil is working against God’s plan for spirital and sexual intimacy when he plants those doubts in your mind. If you refuse and disbelieve our compliments, do you also doubt the depth and strength of our covenant with you. Yes. That is what crushes us. Our gift to you is so easily and willingly rejected because Satan has planted doubt to deceive you and destroy God’s perfect plan for your marriage. When you are created in His own image, how ugly can that be? Your husband sees the love of his youth, and always will.
Pearl – Great post! Such an important topic! Shame and intimacy cannot coexist. If you want genuine intimacy, you have to let go of shame. It applies to more than just physical intimacy, but it seems to be most prevalent there.
And thanks for the mention.
I probably shouldn’t read marriage blogs. You all are so sweet and supportive, but reading these just drives me further into the ground. My husband is so sweet to me, I should be thankful. He tells me I’m beautiful – well, pretty is the word he chooses, but I know he doesn’t believe that. I’m NOT curvy. I’m just straight. Don’t get me wrong, not “sexy skinny” – just straight and plain. Boring. I used to think I was blessed not to have a “big butt” and now I find out my too small tush is just one more flaw. My husband does not want me “all the time”. Hardly ever, in fact. So many articles encourage wives to be bolder, but I’m lucky if we have sex once or twice a week, and I know it is because he is not attracted to me. He lies a lot and says he is, and why don’t I believe him – but I’ll bet if we did an experiment and had a hotter, younger, curvier woman walk into the room he wouldn’t be “too tired” and sleeping on the couch! Blogs that encourage wives to have sex with the lights on. I think my husband prefers the lights off. My guess would be so it’s easier to pretend I’m a hotter, curvier woman. He gets SO MAD when I say things like this to him, and claims they are all untrue. But why else would he not want it more often, and why would he close his eyes during sex if “all men” like to see their wives. It’s nothing but painful lies. Just once in my life I would like to know what it is like to feel like someone was attracted to me. But being close to 40 and 10 pounds overweight – it’s not gonna happen. Some folks are blessed with true beauty – others just aren’t. Oh well. Thanks for letting me vent.
I think this is a great article. But I also feel it is one sided. As a man I can tell you that I don’t want to JUST be beautiful on the inside. I want my wife to be attracted to me physically just as I am to her. And I also think that she wants to be seen as beautiful on the inside by me (and the other way as well).
I think there’s the idea out there that men don’t care about being physically attractive. That it’s not important to them. But have you ever gone to a gym and paid attention to who was there? Do you know how much hair transplants cost (it’s because men will pay it to try to look better). Men want to be seen as beautiful in a masculine way and I’m here to tell you that the desire to be physically desired by their wives is just as strong as that in women. I want her to look at my body with lust too.
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