Healthy Marriage, Healthy Sex Life with the one-another passages. Here’s another idea to boost your sexual interest.
Are you are a movie lover, like I am? I emotionally connect when watching a movie and am swept along with the building tension of the plot line. If it’s a well-crafted movie, I continue to ride the exciting wave of unfolding information until it bursts into resolution and wraps up in a satisfying ending.
However, in real life, riding the wave of unfolding information can be excruciating.
In my lifetime, only the September 11th attack on the World Trade Centers compares to the tension that the coronavirus has created in our world right now. I remember those few days after September 11th, when we were waiting to see if anything else would happen.
We wait now to see how the virus plays out.
Just like you, I have several struggles in life. One that often rears its ugly head is anxiety.
The hardest moments of my life involve carrying the weight of the unknown. I suffer in the wait because that is where anxiety lives.
This brings us to today’s one-another passage.
“Brothers, if someone is caught in any wrongdoing, you who are spiritual should restore such a person with a gentle spirit, watching out for yourselves so you also won’t be tempted. Carry one another’s burdens; in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ,” Galatians 6:1-2 (HCSB).
I think it is part of God’s sense of humor and his character-refinement-plan, that we often marry a person who experiences certain things in a completely different way than we do. Whether you are a conspiracy theorist and your spouse never sees a single ulterior motive or you suffer anxiety and your spouse is always as calm as a hoarder of toilet paper and hand sanitizer, there are times when you don’t understand each other.
And in the case of today’s pandemic, if you don’t understand your spouse’s anxiety. It is OK. It doesn’t make it any less real for them. And if you are the anxious one, do not be annoyed with your spouse’s calm. However, our differences aren’t necessarily “wrongdoing,” as discussed in today’s verse.
Wrongdoing can be things other than the biggies, like infidelity, murder, and greed. As much as it hurts me to say this, allowing anxiety to build into a wave of debilitating fear can be a wrongdoing. Anxiety that turns us into frenzied panic-stricken alarmists is not relying on the Lord. In the Christian walk, concern is good, but wrongdoing comes in allowing excessive worry to overshadow everything else in our life, especially our faith.
Wrongdoing is pridefully living life on your own terms, forgetting that God is waiting for you to turn to him when looking for peace and guidance.
I know when I am under a great deal of stress and am uncertain of the future (maybe even fearful), I often revert to reactive behavior. Usually, for me at least, knee jerk behavior is bad behavior. I’m cranky and take out my fear on those I love the most through unkind words and an edge to my voice. Transferring my anxiety onto my family is wrong.
Your spouse is responsible for managing his or her behavior and thought life. However, you are the one with the most influence with them. Because of this, you are best able to help restore them gently to godly actions and assist in carrying their burden. (This assumes you are married to a good-willed spouse and that bad behavior is not a consistent pattern. Habitual bad behavior is often defined as abuse. Read, The Emotionally Destructive Marriage, by Leslie Vernick, to determine what is abuse.)
The Burden of Temptation
If you’ve ever let anything control your life in an ungodly way (drugs, alcohol, worry, food, lying, sex, shopping, video games, reading, the internet, etc.) and decided to do a u-turn away from this controlling issue, you will know the agony of creating a new godly habit. As you are making a new habit, you are tempted by your “distraction” of choice and that temptation is a burden.
How can you restore your spouse gently, while not succumbing to temptation, in order to help carry his/her burden?
Restoring someone to right relationship with God is not without risk. It can backfire into them thinking your are approaching them with self-righteous indignation. It must be attempted prayerfully with sincere humility and love.
Whether your spouse suffers from anxiety or other internal struggles that can be described as sin, here are some steps to think through as you try to help them discover what is underlying their actions and help you each carry the other’s burden of temptation.
- Respond kindly to bad tones or angry words. This will take the power out of their negative energy.
“Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones,” Proverbs 16:24.
- Go for a walk together to talk or a long drive. Shoulder to shoulder discussions are easier for difficult conversations.
- Talk about what you are grateful to God for in your life, in your marriage, and in your spouse. This redirects to the more important things in life and gives perspective. Plus, there is a correlation between thankfulness and peace.
“Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful,” Colossians 3:15.
- Pray together. This might not be comfortable for some couples. The only way to become comfortable is to practice by doing.
- If your spouse will not pray with you, ask, “What can I pray for you?”
- Confess your own struggles. This alone will build a great deal of intimacy. Because, in humility, you expose your own vulnerabilities.
“Make this your common practice: Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you can live together whole and healed. The prayer of a person living right with God is something powerful and to be reckoned with,” James 5:16 (the message).
- Don’t condemn your spouse with verses relevant to their struggle, especially not with Revelation 21:8. That is not gentle. There will be a time for verses, just not yet. Loving your spouse isn’t about showing them how bad they are acting. Loving your spouse is about helping them nurture inner qualities that reflect Christ.
- Physically move closer to them when you see they are in distress and grappling. Reducing the distance signifies you aren’t judging their struggle. (Some do not want to be touched while grappling with an issue, but simply reducing distance is good. However, if you can give them a hug or hold their hand, oxytocin will be released which helps them trust what you are saying.)
- Ask, “How can I help you?”
- Describe how your temptation calls to you. Talk about relevant Bible verses that correlate to your own struggle.
- After describing your own struggle, ask them if they see their struggle in a biblical way. For example, if their coping method is to play video games at the expense of having a relationship with the family, this is being mastered by something.
“You say, “I am allowed to do anything”—but not everything is good for you. And even though “I am allowed to do anything,” I must not become a slave to anything. 1 Corinthians 6:12 (NLT).
- Then, discuss their struggle from a biblical standpoint, ending with verses on how you can help carry their burden and they can help carry yours.I’m not saying you have to be your spouse’s accountability partner, but I am saying you both need to engage in honest introspection and honest confessions of what you are struggling with. The details are not as important as just admitting what is going on.
- Pray these verses over each other, daily.
Sharing vulnerabilities and supporting one another in the struggle is very important toward building a team mentality, as well as, building your marriage into a holy relationship. (If your spouse is not a believer, this list can be modified.)
We all need help carrying our burdens of temptation, especially in this moment in history. Fear and stress make temptation harder to cope with. This post is about a joint exercise in vulnerability to promote integrity and a right relationship.
Final Thoughts
Jesus restored Peter gently after Peter had denied knowing Christ three times. Jesus did it without shaming Peter. There is no better example of a gentle, kind restoration and is what we should emulate. The kicker is, we aren’t Jesus. You and I have sinned against our spouses. We must be highly aware of that in this kind of discussion. Check your self-righteousness at the door.
Lastly, celebrate your new understanding of each other. Sharing struggles and non-judgmentally bolstering each other through mutual support is the atmosphere where sexual interest is born. Feeling heard and valued spurs the low drive spouse to contemplate with empathy the higher drive spouse’s desire for sexual intimacy. I would like to encourage the lower drive spouse to share a physically intimate “conversation.” It will seal the holy restoration you both have just worked through.
