I did everything I knew to do to honor our marriage. The house was kept as clean as any home with three rowdy boys. The Wal-Mart Cashiers and the Emergency Room attendants knew me by name as I tried to keep our boys fed and alive. As a one-income household, I squeezed pennies until they surrendered.
A great compliment was to tell me I was productive.
We attended church as a family. The boys and I, as a cabin counselor, attended church camp for nearly a decade of summers. In my very limited spare time, I was serving others, but not with my husband. He said he was proud of my work, so I kept at it. Work I was good at, playing not so much.
In spite of all of these actions, my relationship with my husband didn’t thrive. Didn’t thrive is an understatement. Our marriage was a walking corpse. Maybe, if I could just work hard enough wouldn’t everything be OK?
“You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart,” Jeremiah 29:13.
‘Seeking him with all my heart,’ took on a whole new fervency.
I wasn’t just seeking. I had collapsed with palms up at the foot of the cross. My husband was there in a heap with me. I was ready to say yes to whatever God had in store for us. It didn’t matter if God’s answer left me bleeding by the side of the road as long as the misery in my heart lifted.
And then God answered. We got a new preacher.
New Mr. Preacher-Man and his wife were certified to facilitate a marriage class. We took this class and it forever changed our life. It was God’s miracle. Because, before this we had already sought counseling and it wasn’t working.
God’s miracle involved much prayer. It utilized the peace of the Holy Spirit to help us find the emotional neutral zone. It took listening with unselfish ears to frank conversation and talking without accusatory tones. It took an active choice to not be offended.
But, most of all, it involved me looking at God over the top of my reading glasses,
“saywhat?”
“Bonny, my child, you need to strengthen your understanding of marital sexual intimacy.”
God was asking me to put a lot of effort into an area that wasn’t ‘productive’ in my book. It was not my natural inclination. Remember I mentioned that playing doesn’t come easily to me? Well, that includes playing in the bedroom with my husband.
I think our #saywhat moments usually have to do with a weakness God is trying to strengthen. For me it was discovering and understanding the powerful spiritual nature of physical intimacy. For others, it may be forgiveness or walking in trust and faith. It may be an introvert being asked to learn extrovert tendencies.
#saywhat moments will be a place where you are blindly pushed over the edge to fall into the palm of the Lord’s hand. It’s faith that the Lord’s plan is always the best.
I never would have guessed that by strengthening my understanding of physical intimacy, our marriage’s emotional and spiritual intimacy was also strengthened. There was a synergy about it. It all worked together.
If we don’t heed the #saywhat moment, we will never clearly see how amazing God is!!!
My #saywhat moment overflowed into OysterBed7, this blog.
OysterBed7 is to encourage the low libido spouse. But, it is also to counter comments like the one made at an informal ladies’ function I attended years ago. Some of the women were discussing sexual intimacy. It was a fact filled conversation, personal yes, but not obscene or coarse joking. Then, another lady present said, “We shouldn’t be talking about this.” All sharing ceased.
If we can’t talk about physical intimacy with our Christian sisters, who will point us to Christ, where can we speak of it?
Final Thoughts
All marriages, situations and people are different. My words are not meant as an accusation against anyone who has endured the agony of divorce.
I am also aware that in at least 25% of marriages, the wife is the higher drive spouse.
My heart aches for those who have suffered the consequences of sexual pollution. Please know that I am aware of what a tender topic this can be when there are wounds. God wishes to reclaim sexual intimacy from the clutches of the dark one. Gently engaging in a Christ-centered dialogue regarding sexual intimacy is the beginning.
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Loved this! First time visitor and really soaked in this post. With your permission, I would like to quote you on my facebook page.
This says it all:
“I never would have guessed that by strengthening my understanding of physical intimacy, our marriage’s emotional and spiritual intimacy was also strengthened. There was a synergy about it. It all worked together.”
Thank you for writing such truth!
Darby, thanks for visiting, my new friend. I am humbled by your words. I pray the Lord continues to use me as his vessel to encourage understanding in this realm for ladies’ without the natural inclination. You may quote me wherever you like! Please come back and visit with me!
Thank you for writing this! I don’t think you were unusual among church women. Somehow the priorities get mixed up and we serve everywhere but at home. This should not be a taboo subject among Christian women, after all, God wrote an entire book dedicated to the marital bed, and it’s pretty hot and steamy. If we’re reflecting Christ and the church, this should be a part of it.
Christine, the Lord has compelled me to write this through the blessing I’ve experienced in grappling with sexual intimacy. May discussing sexual intimacy become a healthy topic. Like discussing our struggles with any other facet of Christian living. And YES, the Song of Solomon is pretty steamy and God-ordained! Thanks for your encouraging comment.
I was in a #SayWhat moment at 1st but you are right we have to discuss these issue, they are important in a marriage! So glad for you that the 5 Questions solidified any doubt about the validity of how the Lord feels about this ministry. Blessings, OBS Small Group Leader~
Strong marriages mean strong ‘mission teams’ in His kingdom. This is an important aspect of strong Christian living. The 5 questions absolutely solidified! Because it is a topic that some balk at, the Lord was telling me to Fear Not through Lysa’s questions. Thanks for stopping by!
Wonderful post! I love that you are willing to be so transparent and honest about yourself in order to help others.
Since I’ve been in a hurting marriage, my heart just aches for those in the midst of the trouble. It is my blessing if the Lord can use me to comfort and encourage. Thanks for your sweet words, Beckey! (I’m in NC, too!)
When others come along that do not understand ministries such as ours and try to put a stop or tear it down…….HE sends encouragement right on time!
Thank You!!(((hugs)))
Cindy B
Song of Solomon Wives
He is amazing!! This is an area that gets much attack. I’m so glad to make your acquaintance, soul sister.
My husband and I both about took a shoutin’ spell out in the yard when I shared with him the encouragement I received from this post.
Thank you once again……praying for your ministry.
I use your postings quite often to share with other wives.
Cindy B
SOSW
Loved reading this as I can relate. I loved your quote ~ my husband would agree! it’s funny – when he saw me becoming more Christian-like, the first thing he thought was, “No more sex” – not like we were rabbits but it just wasn’t high up on my priority list. But now that you’ve pointed it out how important it is, I think he and I may something better to discuss! Thank you for putting your heart out on the line. I’m willing to bet you will help others.
Thanks, Racquel. Healthy marriages are the Lord’s goal and mine, too. Bless you as you continue your journey with your walk with Christ and realizing that just because you are a Christian absolutely does not mean no more sex!
Cindy, thanks for your second comment below, too!! God gets all the praise.
AMEN! Ok, I’m divorced and I read it from the perspective of a sister sharing what God has shown her. I praise God for healthy marriages!!
Many “older” ladies (like my mother who is in her 70s) believe sex is the original sin. That’s not true! God told Adam and Eve to go make babies way before Eve ate that fruit!! LOL I believe if we are more open to talk about the way God intended sexual intimacy to take place we’d 1)have less teen pregnancy 2)have healthier marriages.
I’m glad God is using you to teach this!! Or share! 🙂
Vivian, thanks for your encouragement! You are exactly right. If we could restore healthy dialogue about sexuality and reclaim it from society’s distorted view, we could grow healthier children. These children would have better mentors and maybe we’d have less teen pregnancy and we’d create people who were less inclined to sin in other sexual arenas (pedophilia, porn, etc.)