Sexual objections aren’t any different from other kinds of objections we have in life. No amount of persuading is as effective as an attitude shift. Here’s how an acquaintance completely changed my perspective on overcoming objections. I’ll give you a little backstory (stick with me, there is a sexual correlation, honest).
The objections come from a place of fear. The ones I’ve heard recently revolve around a fundraiser that I help oversee.
The fundraiser is called, “Parade of Tables.” It involves individuals or businesses sponsoring tables that seat 8. The sponsors are responsible for decorating and setting the tables, as well as, inviting friends to fill the seats.
The objections for sponsoring a table sound like this;
“I don’t know anybody in town to invite.”
“There is not one creative bone in my body.”
Depending on the person, I either push with persuasion to overcome their objection or I leave them alone.
Every once in a while, a soul comes along believing so strongly in our cause that no inability stops her from helping.
This lady stepped forward saying, “I can’t decorate worth a hoot and I live an hour away, but I’m sending you a check to sponsor a table. The table won’t look outstanding, but I’ve got 8 place settings and a few friends who might come.”
She said, “Yes,” for the good of the cause, not because her talent matched the task.
Her response also humbled me. When is the last time I laid aside my doubts and inabilities for the good of the cause? When is the last time I said, “Yes,” to something I find difficult to do?
As low libido wives, it’s easy to have lots of objections.
My sexual objections have come in the form of,
“Sex? I’m too tired from dealing with three kids all week by myself because you’ve been on a business trip. It takes a lot of energy to ramp up for a rendezvous.”
“You’ve got to be kidding! You have been such a jerk to me today.”
Here’s what I learned from my favorite table sponsor about overcoming sexual objections.
You summon willingness and courage when you believe in the cause (in spite of little natural talent or ability).
Here’s another objection:
“He wants a wildcat in bed and that’s not me. Why even bother?”
How can a husband and wife handle this?
- If a husband can lower his expectations about enthusiasm, more satisfaction will result. A lot of husbands want wild enthusiasm which I believe is a notion from movies and pornography. It is not real life.
- The higher drive spouse needs to be in tune with how busy a day has been. It is not fair to demand a high energy lovemaking session after a day that has depleted the lower drive spouse of stamina.
- On the other hand, a wife can be more animated even if it is difficult at first. She can save some energy through the day. Her willingness and courage are in line with who she is. Her personal brand of enthusiasm may look nothing like what the husband envisions. Be open to altering your expectations, gentlemen.
Husbands, help alleviate her fears and objections by making love to the wife you have.
As a low libido wife, being totally accepted and cherished in the marriage bed helps build the consistency a husband desires. This includes having my willingness and lovemaking personality valued over wild animation.
However, as God would have it, the more I’m valued, the more I’m enthusiastic. Husband and low libido wife can delightfully meet in the middle. In the end, the marriage bed is about connecting, emotionally and spiritually, not just physically.
She said, “Yes,” because she believed in our cause.
Do you believe in the cause of your marriage? I do. Do you believe in your husband? Do you believe God? He says sexual intimacy in marriage is important.
I believe, with God’s help, you can enjoy sexual intimacy even if you have a low physical desire.
I am still a low libido wife physically, but I’m a high drive wife when it comes to desiring emotional and spiritual connection with my husband. (I have to tell you writing that, this moment, is a major revelation!! I’ve never thought of it that way before until this moment.)
You, too, can be a high drive wife in spite of your physical limitations!
When you believe in something you can overcome your own objections.
“Restore to me the joy of your salvation
and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me,”Psalm 51:12.
I LOVE this: “I’m a high drive wife when it comes to desiring emotional and spiritual connection with my husband.” It’s such a liberating statement!
It was an epiphany that happened while I was writing. There have been few instances where I have felt so empowered.
“I am still a low libido wife physically, but I’m a high drive wife when it comes to desiring emotional and spiritual connection with my husband.” That is awesome! A great way to think about it.
I hope to help more women understand physical drive is just a 1/3 of the equation… I feel a lot less inadequate now! What a realization!
Good Article – good for both husbands and wives to read. We can all learn a lot from this.
I hate to admit it, I have been guilty of “wanting the wildcat.” It helps me to think about it in another way. I do think that more than anything most husbands want to know that their wife is enjoying love making and that her mind is in the bedroom with them, not thinking about tomorrow’s to do list!
Thank you, RHW. Of course you want her right there with you in the moment of lovemaking. Eye contact will help you know if she’s there with you or not, just my thought…..
YES,YES,YES! It’s so not about the act, and all about the connection! How I wish I could make my wife understand that.
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Thanks for sharing your thoughts. Objections and excuses abound for all of us at times but pushing past them will always bring about a unity and connection that is far better than expected.
Megan
You are right, Megan, pushing through our self limitations and fears can bring such incredible joy beyond what we imagine. It’s worth it.
I like that a like. Instead of say we “needed” to have a high sex drive you stressed on the importance of being high drive to keep our marriages healthy, and that makes a world of a difference right there. Great post and reminder.
Thanks, Crystal. Sexual intimacy is for the good of husband and wife, not just the higher drive spouse. It took me too long to realize the emotional and spiritual connection with sexual initmacy.
Thank you for linking up with Let’s Get Real so our readers would have the chance to read such a great post! I know my husband is much more excited when he doesn’t have to “convince me” and I show willing participation! It really is all about the emotional connection anyway!
Nicole, thank you for you kind words. I’m glad you liked the thoughts. Connecting in the bedroom is emotional and spiritual even when one spouse may not quite have the physical drive as the other. You’ve hit the nail on the head.
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Thanks so much for linking up with us this week, Bonny. I love this post and hope that some new readers have seen it through the party. I still really love this – “I’m a high drive wife when it comes to desiring emotional and spiritual connection with my husband.
“I am still a low libido wife physically, but I’m a high drive wife when it comes to desiring emotional and spiritual connection with my husband. I have to tell you writing that, this moment, is a major revelation!! I’ve never thought of it that way before until this moment.”
That’s why I call this blog therapy. If you write from the heart long enough and often enough, some revelation will bubble to the surface when you least expect it. As a culture, we need to write (think deeply) more. I know I am often surprised by what I “think” when I start putting pen to paper. Unlike fleeting spoken words, written words lie there staring you down and asking “Really? So that’s what you think? Are you sure?” How surprising and enlightening it can be at times.
That brings a whole new dymnamic to the way we can discuss low drive/low libido spouses doesn’t it? I’m sorry I didn’t get to this post sooner. You must do a post around this libido/desire dichotomy. In what ways can the emotional desire spur on the low libido?
As to the post, I too like to see a more “enthusiastic” physicality and verbose nature overwhelm my wife during sexual activities of whatever style. I used to be VERY quiet during sex, even including the blessed moment of orgasm. To say I have loosened up considerably with the passage of time is no overstatement. Think about it. How much more fun is a ball game when you not only emotionally but physically invest yourself fully. When you jump up and down, hoop and holler, wave your banner, and pump your fists, how much more fun and exciting is that game?
One day I decided to get into the game and just cut loose. It wasn’t easy/normal/comfortable/natural or without risk the first few times, but it did progressively get easier and more natural feeling. After a while I began to feel like I hadn’t “created’ a behavior, but had released one. Kind of like the experience of writing I spoke of above. “Oh, this is who I am? I like this person. He’s a lot more fun to enjoy sex with.” The more I invested myself in the sex though emotionally spurred physicality, the deeper were my body’s responses to the stimulation taking place and the orgasms were WAAAAAAY more intense. Sex has become more a no-windows-open kind of thing now in consideration or the neighbors. My wife my still have some adequacy inhibitions I would like to smooth over (can you say “body-image boys and girls”), but she is the orgasm delivery queen of my life and knows she does it stupendously. She gets constantly re-affirmed.
Here is something to consider. I know it can work because I have first-hand experience with seeing it’s effectiveness. When i throw myself into our sexual sharing with such intense verbal an physical outpourings, it validates for her that it is okay, even desired, for her to go down that same path. I have, in effect, given us both permission to root of the home team with all we have. She knows she can risk totally investing herself in the overall experience and those multi-orgasmic moments as they roll over her. She is free to be as expressively intense as she wants to command the most from that one-flesh union. If your spouse needs to be released to act out their passion, this is one way validate that it is both permitted and desired by you. Be a cheerleader for the home team as well as an encourager for your spouse and the quality of your sexual experience with them. Go get ’em Wild-
Dan, you are right, not only in lovemaking, but the whole of marriage. BE the change you would like to see. If you wish your spouse were more polite, then mentor politeness in your home. If you want a more uninhibited lover-wife, then cut loose a little yourself. Good point!
Why do high drive male expectations usually have a comment that it often times originates from porn? What about a husband who is naturally free and open, who has read the Song of Songs and simply wishes to enjoy all that God has given the husband and wife to enjoy together?
Bonny refers to “wild enthusiasm,” which I see as different from an enthusiastic sexual response. The desire for an enthusiastic, sexually responsive wife is natural and God-given–but I read Bonny’s words as talking about high-energy animation that is almost a caricature of sexual response.
I think a husband should be able to expect sexual enthusiasm; lowering his expectations should be about the degree of enthusiasm and the way it is expressed, not the enthusiasm itself.
As to why there’s usually a comment that it often originates from porn? I have seen many men admit as much.