About 7 years ago, I was having a chat in Facebook comments (before Messenger) with a High School friend.  She mentioned how in 7^th grade gym we all nearly had seizures holding in laughter because someone ‘queefed.’  Then, my ignorance came out.  I said that my sons’ queef all the time, thinking it was just a cutsie name for normal digestive flatulence.  She and everyone else reading the comments died with emoji laughter.  That’s when I got schooled.  I had experienced them, but never knew their official term.

Queef’s are wrongly defined as vaginal farts (v-farts, varts, or as the Brits might say, “Fanny farts”).  They do resemble a fart in that air is expelled and there may be a trumpety/squeaky sound from your vagina.  However, the puff of air is not due to digestion, indigestion, bacterial or enzymatic decomposition as traditional flatulence is.  Since the air has absolutely nothing to do with defecation, it is not noxious.  Queefs don’t stink!  (Now, to be fair there is bacteria in the vagina that serves as infection protection.  However, this good bacteria doesn’t have a foul odor.  So, if your queefs do have a bad smell, see a doctor.)

Probably a better way to define queefs would be vaginal wind.

Queefs can happen randomly, during times of exercise or strain, and frequently increase in occurrence during pregnancy.  It is when they happen during lovemaking that many people wince.  But, truth be told, during lovemaking, the queef is produced through a joint effort.  It’s partly due to your beloved thrusting inside of you and partly due to the arousal process of your vagina.

When you start to ‘get busy’ with your husband, several things happen physically to your genitals as your arousal ramps up.  One thing that happens that most correlates to queefing is that the upper 2/3rds of the vagina balloons or tents.  The tenting area has the ability to act as a balloon, trapping air.  The air gets displaced when your sweetie thrusts into you.  The displaced air seeks an exit and voila – a queef is born.

Why does tenting happen?

Round ligaments help stabilize the uterus and keep it from spinning.  (Although they are called ligaments, they are actually ropey muscles.) They extend from either side of the uterus, weaving through your groin area to the labia major, where the fibers mingle into the mons pubis.  During arousal, the ligaments contract.  Their contraction brings the uterus up and forward.  The uterus in turn brings the cervix up a bit and this tents the vagina.  Here is my very rough anatomical sketch of what’s happening.

Getting your queef on.

Scholars have only recently started to investigate vaginal wind.  In one of the first studies in 2003, the authors stated, “Vaginal wind causes significant distress and embarrassment to sufferers. Further information on risk factors, evaluation, and treatment modalities should be obtained.”  No duh.  (Hang on, we’re going to talk about embarrassment in a second.)

A 2012 study found that vaginal wind had a higher incidence among women who had experienced vaginal childbirth, have low body mass index (lean ladies), and are younger in age.

After you’re a mom, you may find yourself saying, “That’s not what it sounded like!” more often during lovemaking.

One way to minimize the queef is by exercising your vaginal floor with the very stealthy calisthenic, the Kegel.  Kegels are recommended to strengthen your vaginal floor and possibly the vaginal walls.  By strengthening saggy muscles there will be less air pockets.  The less pockets there are to trap air, the less occurrence of queefs.

Another way to minimize queefing during lovemaking is to avoid positions where the wife is bent over or face down with back-end in the air (i.e. doggy style/rear entry/frombe – from behind).

Quieting your queef anxiety.

Realize, you are not alone.  Nearly every married woman in the world has queefed during bedroom time.  If you haven’t, you better knock on wood.

It’s a joint effort.  Queefing during lovemaking is usually a consequence of thrusting.

God’s creation is both beautiful and messy.  Let’s be honest, watching a baby be born is pretty amazing but it is still kinda gross.  Sex is messy.  Sometimes sex includes a queef or two.  You choose how to react.  I heartily encourage you to laugh (because laughter promotes your libido, plus, laughter and orgasm have more in common than you think).

God made our bodies to keep the mood light.  If you’ve been married or have dated for any length, there comes a time when noxious fumes either silently slip or loudly rip out of you or your beloved.  I’m talking about good old fashioned stinky sphincter whistles.  It happens, roll with it.  Even laugh about it, that’s what we do in my house.

There is good news.  The queef is not an anal fart!  It is a gentler and kinder form of wind.  But, even if you do rip a tooterific from your colon during sex, don’t be too hung up about it.  Stuff happens.  That is the nature of being human.

God made sexual intimacy as the path toward ultimate vulnerability with your spouse.  God is proving his point when the unexpected body sound happens.  Here are 25 other reasons God made sex good, weird, and spiritual.

I’m going to make a sexist generalization (men please don’t send too many emails), most husbands are not going to be turned off by your queef (or even a bit of true flatulence).  A husband is thrilled that his wife has accepted him into her body.  And besides, as stated above, he helped create that queef with his thrusting!!!

How do you transform queef anxiety to queef tranquility?

Talk with your husband about it outside the bedroom.  Chances are he’s going to say, “What’s the big deal?”  If you need him to understand that it is a big deal to you, gently explain, “even though it’s not a big deal to you, I’m embarrassed by it.”  Then open your heart to allow him to calm your fears.

Ask him to help you keep the mood light and laugh with you about it.

Decide that a queef means you have achieved a very special sexual experience.  It’s like the new way to measure against all other rendezvous.  You can ask each other, “Will it be as good as the time we queefed?”