Which would you prefer?
Sitting in a “rumble massage” chair at the airport or laying on a leather table while a masseuse dissolves away the tension?
Eating a packaged chocolate cupcake or a homemade chocolate cake with fudge icing?
Chatting quickly in the car while driving between errands or a sitting down to converse over a nice dinner?
The massage chair and the factory-made dessert are cheap imitations of deeper, richer experiences. The quick chat does not lend itself to a meaningful exchange.
There was a season I settled for less than meaningful sexual activity with my husband. There was physical pleasure, but there was not much emotional connection. I settled because, honestly, we didn’t know how to move toward a deeper, richer experience.
“Sexual activity is not the same as sexual intimacy,” Juli Slattery.
How do you replace the packaged dessert with homemade deliciousness? How do you move away from an experience where the two of you are experiencing pleasure separately-but-together toward the soul satisfying experience of emotionally connected lovemaking?
Let’s think back to the masseuse, homemade cake, and the lingering conversation over dinner. All of these things require an investment of either time, money, and/or yourself.
Consider a Nascar driver, a best-selling author, or a violinist in the symphony orchestra. The driver, the author, and the violinist all got to their level of expertise through investment and, dare I say, sacrifice. One of their top priorities is honing their craft. It takes time, money, and making sure to drive, write, or practice every day to accomplish this.
Things that are precious and enduring require more from us.
Sexual intimacy sprouts when your marriage invests first in spiritual and emotional intimacy. Sexual intimacy is an overflow of your marriage’s cultivated emotional and spiritual intimacy.
Let’s backtrack, for a minute.
What is intimacy?
It is the homemade chocolate cake with fudge icing of relationships.
Intimacy is when you don’t just know about the person, you truly know the person. It goes beyond knowing a birthdate and favorite color. You know his heart because you have given him grace to share with you honestly, even when you don’t exactly like what you are hearing. You trust him with your unspeakable secrets. Intimacy means you know about the warts of his heart and instead of condemning, you coach him toward better. He does the same for you. Intimacy means laughing together, often, over your stupid mistakes. Intimacy means celebrating often for all the potholes of life than you two have rebounded from with God’s help.
Intimacy in marriage reflects the verse, “…and the two will become one flesh. So they are no longer two, but one flesh,” Mark 10:8. When intimacy is achieved, there is a longing to connect daily so that you’re made whole. Connecting doesn’t necessarily mean sex. It can be a lingering touch, a sweet word whispered, or a knowing look, as well as, a long satisfying conversation.
We see divine intimacy in God the Father, Jesus Christ the Son, and the Holy Spirit. They are one as three. (Matthew 3:16-17; 28:19; 1 Peter 1:1-2; 2 Corinthians 13:13). You have a triune of intimacy with yourself, your spouse, and God. Within your inner being you have a triune of intimacy with body, mind, and spirit.
Emotional intimacy with your spouse is connecting with them by transparently sharing your deepest self with no fear.
“There is no fear in love. But, perfect love drives out fear because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love,” 1 John 4:18.
Spiritual intimacy with your spouse is connecting with them through your shared faith.
Understand this:
Sexual intimacy is the intersection of emotional affection and spiritual connection. Click To Tweet
For a wife with low physical yearning, figuring out emotional and spiritual intimacy is the secret to growing interest in being sexual!
When she realizes her drive isn’t fueled by only physical need, a miraculous change occurs. She is compelled toward lovemaking, not by hormonal yearning, but a desire to experience the physical representation of the tender emotional and sweet spiritual intimacy she has with her husband. (See: What is Sexual Interest? Why Should I Care?)
Please know that building sexual intimacy with your spouse doesn’t happen overnight. However, as soon as you begin investing in the spiritual and emotional aspect of marriage you will see tiny bits of change. (See: Why Knowing Your Low Drive Wife’s Long Language is Important)
Anyone who plays the stock market knows, investments include risk and sacrifice. These are not popular words. Nurture sexual intimacy by risking vulnerability and sacrificing self to put your marriage higher on the priority list. With great risk comes great reward.
The motivation to keep investing, keep risking, and keep sacrificing is not only for the transformation of sexual activity into sexual intimacy, but to take your marriage to a whole new level. It starts outside of the bedroom just as much as inside. (See: Want Sexual Interest to Grow? Quit doing these things)
How to transform sex into lovemaking? Nurture the soul of your marriage.
The first step in transforming disconnected sex into lovemaking is to build spiritual intimacy with your spouse.
If you think about it, the greatest part of who we are is spirit. It’s the part of us that was created by God and bears his image. So, I guess it’s the part of us that is most like God. It’s the most important part of your relationship.
Nurturing your spiritual intimacy is the most important investment!
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You pray, individually and together.
Start praying like you’ve never prayed before, daily.
Pray to know God, not just know about God. You pray to know your spouse, not just about your spouse. You pray to know yourself, too!
If sexual intimacy seems like a foreign concept, pray to understand it.
“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God,” Philippians 4:6.
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Create a consistent way to seek Father God, Jesus Christ, and the Holy Spirit, individually and together.
Seek to know them, not just know about them. (Yes, I’m repeating myself!)
Connect by reading a devotional or bible study app daily.
“Unless the Lord builds the house, its builders labor in vain,” Psalm 127:1.
With the Lord as the foundation of your marriage, all things are possible. Build a relationship with Christ by being in the Word daily and contemplating it. Don’t just read it and forget about it.
Transfer what you are seeing in God’s character (like faithfulness, service, and sacrifice) into your own character and how you relate with your spouse. Thankfully, the Holy Spirit helps us with this one!
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Worship together, weekly.
Don’t have a church home? Find one. Commit to attending a new place of worship each Sunday until you identify one.
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Listen to more Christian music, individually and together.
Not everyone’s heart is filled by music, but even so, through music a couple can adore Christ, plead for help, and celebrate their blessings. Christian music keeps you plugged into heavenly thoughts. Maybe even sing together!
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Find a way to serve Christ in your community together.
Have a cause that is near and dear to your hearts? Find a local outreach program that supports your cause and volunteer together.
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Develop a strategy to stay on track.
Do you get started on new endeavors with gusto and then things calm down and fall off your radar? Give your spouse permission to keep you accountable with reminders. Set alarms on your phones so neither of you forget. The most fulfilling commitment is filling your marriage’s soul.
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Remember, slow progress is still progress!
As you turn toward God, you will see tiny improvements each month. The consequence of praying, praising, and pondering God’s word, Christ’s character, and the Holy Spirit’s comfort is that your spiritual growth and intimacy will overflow. Your marriage will have a better connection.
So, which would you prefer?
Two bodies achieving physical release or two heart and souls melding into ecstasy through lovemaking, and more importantly, through loveknowing.
Spiritual intimacy is the key ingredient to move the factory dessert of sexual activity into homemade deliciousness of sexual intimacy.
The second ingredient is emotional intimacy. See: Simple Steps Toward Finding Sexual Interest
Or, you can check out this book:
For more sex-positive thoughts for low drive wives, 25 Reasons God Made Sex Really Good.
If you would like to become personally closer with God, I suggest, “Satisfy My Thirsty Soul,” by Linda Dillow.
See related post at my colleague’s blog, The Forgiven Wife, Experience Deeper Intimacy During Sex.
