Fleur left this comment on 5 Questions to Create a Sexual Encounter Schedule;
“I am generally not a refuser and I would say my spouse and I generally have sex around three times a week. I wonder if you could clarify “my head kinda hurts or I’m tired” or “significant illness” as used in another post. If I don’t feel one hundred percent having sex does little for me when is at the expense of other physical needs. I am not exactly sure how telling someone they cannot refuse sex unless they have a significant illness is helpful. Sometimes when your head kinda hurts or you are tired means your body is trying to tell you something.”
Thanks for this tactful question. I’m happy to have the opportunity to clarify. I know all marriages and people are different. Fleur is referring to a section in 5 Questions to Create a Sexual Encounter Schedule where I urge low-libido wives who are considering the sexual encounter agreement to commit to following through with sexual intimacy even if they aren’t feeling their best. The marriages I speak to have wives with low sexual interest and have a low frequency of sexual encounters.
This encouragement to push through minor physical discomforts came from a counselor. And truly, for me, it was a necessary exercise in self-reflection.
There were other activities I would engage in with a mild headache or mild cold….go to work, do laundry, vacuum, prepare a meal, cart the kids to swim club. I came to ask myself wasn’t meeting my husband’s emotional need of sexual fulfillment just as important, if not more, as those things? So, if it wasn’t harming me or taxing me in a way to impede my healing, I decided to engage.
You are right. If I am only feeling 95%, sex probably won’t do anything for me that day. So, on that day engaging isn’t for my benefit, it’s for his. That day may be ‘quickie’ day. 🙂
There are some days, he’s not feeling like a big ol’ conversation, but he does it anyway, just for me.
This advice (take it or leave it) is for a marriage having sex less than once a week. In your case, there will be another rendezvous very soon. Your husband has trust in you to meet him in the bedroom frequently.
In marriages having sex less than weekly, the higher drive spouse wonders when it’s going to occur. That’s why committing is so important, especially when an agreement is first created. He (or she) is learning to trust that you are going to follow through on what you are saying. We had been playing the ‘maybe it’s tonight’ game for so long, he couldn’t relax.
The foundation of this commitment is trust. I didn’t know it at the time, trust was something our marriage sorely needed. He didn’t trust that I truly loved him. I didn’t show him in a way he understood. And, there were areas where I didn’t trust him, consciously and subconsciously.
The only Biblical mandate I was working from was, “do unto others as you would have them do unto you,” Luke 6:31. We are an Ephesians 5:21 marriage. Don’t forget that in the background of this agreement, my husband was already working hard to meet my needs.
Returning to the original question, I’m not saying a wife’s health should suffer to meet a husband’s sexual needs. Not at all!
I am strongly urging low sex drive wives who are in a low sex frequency marriage to seriously consider whether their physical ailment is truly impeding them or they are using it as an excuse. I had been using it as an excuse.
(Disclaimer: I realize not all high drive spouses are husbands.)
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What to do when sex hurts? – If you suffer from chronic pain, this article will help you move toward solutions.
This was a very timely article for me. Two weeks ago, I broke my femur. The doctor has given me a 10 week recovery period. Because of the staples and lack of movement I have been sleeping in the recliner. My husband has been wonderful in taking care of me but I can sense his frustration, both mentally and sexually. I believe God is pouring out His grace abundantly.
Your situation is definitely not in the ‘minor’ physical ailment category. A broken femur is a significant injury. Do follow the Dr.’s orders and do nothing that would cause a set-back! There may be something you could do just for him, 😉 but still, protect that injury!
I think it really depends on the situation; the backstory of the couple etc. I’d say that while we have lots of problems, 1 thing we have going for us is decently matched sex drives. neither of us stands out as HD or LD but we both are happy w/ a few times a week (typically, when we’ve had really bad weeks, we’ve gone a few weeks w/out it because who wants to have sex w/ someone you feel emotionally disconnected from?) I think there is a fine line for “too sick for sex”. Typically since we do it relatively frequently if i’m really tired, he won’t push it. One option i’ve recently discovered, is that if i’m a bit sore or crampy or whatever, but he’s in the mood i can pleasure him with other things like oral, and then he can give me a back rub or something that i’m in the mood for. I’d say that while the wife should be willing to have sex if she’s not feeling 100% on a given day, the husband should be understanding if she really doesn’t want to: both people should be willing to bend a bit. In your other post you wrote sometimes you’d have to take ibuprofen before hand. I think if you need a painkiller, maybe it’s not the best day.
Good to hear from you! I understand what you are saying. In the case of the HD/LD marriage where there has been little frequency and they are trying to employ this agreement there should be an immediate reschedule (within 2 or 3 days) if it’s not a good day.
I understand the concept of your post, really I do, but if one spouse is not feeling good the other should be mature enough to respect that and not even expect their spouse to meet their sexual needs during that time. Set a time for a day or two later when the spouse is feeling better.
Sex is not much fun if I know my husband is too tired or not feeling well and is just doing it for me or vice versa. And some may disagree, but honestly I think it’s rather selfish to push on through when you know your spouse is not really up to par for sex. I would never want my husband to try and have sex if he’s not feeling well. There have been times when he’s gone in to take an Advil because it turned out he had a headache and I’ve said, hey, how about we just go to sleep and try again tomorrow night? He appreciates me considering how he feels and sometimes we still try and other times he gratefully just cuddles up and falls asleep.
On comparing sex and talking with one another, well, I for one would not bombard my husband with some long conversation when he is exhausted after a long day of work or not feeling well. This is called being considerate of how he’s feeling and to me the same applies to sex.
Just my two cents. 🙂
Great article friend. I know that it can be hard to have sex when you are sick. When I was pregnant, I was so very sick. If we didn’t have sex every time I was sick, we wouldn’t have sex at all. I just had to get ok with throwing up after every encounter. It was worth it to keep that connection for me to do that. I didn’t always enjoy our time together, but a lot of times I did. I just wanted to keep our intimacy strong even though I was ill all the time.
My thought on this is, If you wouldn’t go to work because you are too sick, then you are too sick, otherwise you aren’t too sick to have sex.
Bonny, thank you for your additional commentary.
Keelie, I think it varies for every one, but there are circumstances where one can have sex and you aren’t feeling well where you won’t have that connection. To me that doesn’t add much to the relationship if it comes at the expense of my other needs such as rest.
Michael, I don’t really follow you…what if the timing of the symptoms happens after work. What if the woman has a urinary tract infection, can still go to work but has been advised to rest that area of her bodt?