Tips for reigniting your sexual interest with your husband.

The elusive female libido.

Most people think that a young wife has no trouble with libido. Which isn’t necessarily true. Numbers are beginning to say it isn’t uncommon for the 18-30 year old female to suffer low libido.

For married ladies with or without children, probably a job, definitely a home to upkeep, groceries to stock and laundry to do, libido may be a little elusive.

For several years, I searched for my libido. But, it was like a scavenger hunt. The clues didn’t seem to make any sense. I even wondered if finding it was important. However, it became important to me when I realized how important it was to my husband.

If you are in a marriage with a higher drive spouse, sexual interest is important. A sexless marriage was not part of God’s perfect design.

I remembered the yearning of young marriage, don’t you? You ached for his touch. Higher drive spouses feel that a large percentage of the time (at least my higher drive spouse says so). Could you imagine trying to focus when that feeling is pervasive?

Paragraph to High Drive Husbands

It’s probably hard for you to understand having little sexual interest. However, it’s just as important for you to put yourself in her shoes as it is for her to do the same. Female libido is multi-faceted. Be patient and caring with your lady. DO discuss your feelings of desire calmly and as candidly as possible. Pressure will have the exact opposite effect of what you desire. The key to supporting her is to emotionally connect with her.

Now, let’s discuss more of the female yearning….

This post is about the normal ups and downs of a wife’s sexual appetite as it waxes and wanes through a lifetime. Low libido usually parallels stressful times.

Chronic low libido in women is known as Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder. This doesn’t mean the inability to climax. It’s the lack or even repulsion of sexual thoughts and desires. If you feel you lean into the HSDD category, please see your doctor. Check out this link to the mayo clinic for Female Sexual Dysfunction.

REASONS for Low Libido:

Use this list as a starting place in re-creating your sexual interest.

(DISCLAIMER #1: I am NOT a health professional. I’m just your girlfriend throwing some thoughts out there on what I’ve researched.)

1. Health Problems

Health problems that could affect libido; anemia, major diseases such as diabetes, hypothyroidism, depression/anxiety and many others. If you have low libido and you’ve not been feeling yourself (brain fog, weight gain, can’t lose weight, hair loss, etc…) go see your doctor armed with a list of your ailments and questions for him/her. Other things to consider are: adrenal fatigue if you are chronically tired.

2. Medications

Certain prescription medications could be affecting your libido. Check the side of effects. You may be able to ask your doctor for an alternative prescription of a drug that accomplishes the same thing with fewer the side effects.

3. Hormone Imbalance

Hormone imbalance does not happen to only women in menopause. (I was greatly encouraged by a British article that says there isn’t necessarily a correlation between low libido and menopause.) Testosterone plays a major factor in female sex drive as well as male. However, there has to be a delicate balance between estrogen, progesterone and testosterone. The luteinizing hormone may also play a factor in low libido.

4. Emotional disconnect with your spouse.

Do your conversations revolve around a to-do list, or do you discuss hopes and fears of the day? If the majority of your conversations are of the to-do list variety, put Emotional Connection on your to-do list. Do you believe him when he says you’re gorgeous?

5. Poor Body Image/Self-Esteem

Flawless females are a dime a dozen on magazine covers. If I traveled with my air-brush artist, I’d be looking pretty awesome all the time, too.

6. Stress

I think this is self-explanatory. Stress and over-activity zap our energy and are huge libido squelchers.

7. Abuse

Beautiful readers, I do not want to gloss over the fact that numbers of adults have been violated sexually at some point in their lives. We all need to be aware that this is a very real facet. I am not equipped to converse on that issue other than to say, if you have been abused and have not sought out counseling to heal, please do. Email me, I will gladly be your prayer partner in this. (See: Healing from Sexual Harassment)

My Story of Libido Rescue

The scavenger hunt for my libido was eventually abandoned. I went on a bona fide rescue mission. I started with prayer and a very open heart. Then I started going down the above check list.

Hormone Imbalance

I experienced night sweats, foggy brain, and inconsistent cycles. All these were clues that something was starting to misfire. I made an appointment with a menopause hormone specialist.

Personally, I did find a slight increase in libido when I started bio-identical hormone therapy. This therapy is prescribed by a medical professional who specializes in menopausal hormone therapy. She measured my hormonal levels and put them in balance. Disclaimer #2: Bio-identical hormones are not regulated by the FDA.

If you suspect hormone imbalance, go to your healthcare provider. I sought out a healthcare professional who was an advocate of bio-identicals. However, only you can determine what is best for you. Do research on traditional prescription hormones versus alternative bio-identical hormones. See My pro/con discussion of bio-identical hormones here: Menopausal Snake Oil?

Emotional Connection

The easiest cure for emotional disconnect is the present of presence. Time alone together is the key. Do something you both enjoy (conversation over a cup of coffee, game of boggle, fishing, it doesn’t have to be sexual……but it can be). It doesn’t have to involve a lot of talking.

We bought a deck of ‘conversation cards’ to prime the conversation pump at first. These cards have simple questions on them. This link, Conversation Starters, is another good list.

Body Image

I am 64 inches tall. I was 56 inches around at 32 weeks of pregnancy with twins! Do you know what crepe paper looks like? Welcome to my lower abdomen. It will never again be worthy of a two-piece bathing suit. I’m OK with that.

I wasn’t OK with getting winded unloading the groceries from the car. I wasn’t OK with my blood tests showing pre-diabetic conditions. I wasn’t OK with having borderline high blood pressure and a sluggish thyroid. I wasn’t OK with the 30 extra pounds. Gone were the feelings of being a powerful, vigorous body.

I knew change wasn’t going to happen by magic. “Life doesn’t come with a remote. You have to change yourself.” I had to get up off of the couch and take a few steps.

My cure for negative body image was exercise. I know, I know, it’s a dirty 8 letter word. Chew on this for awhile, let it simmer in your brain. We’ll explore exercise and sexual health later.

3 John 1:2, “Beloved, I pray that all might go well with you, that you may be in good health, as it goes well with your soul.”

Prayer

Mr. Muscle (a.k.a. Dave, my husband) and I began to pray together, out loud. It was uncomfortable at first. With consistency, it didn’t take long for it to be wonderful bonding time with our Lord and very comforting. It went a long way in helping us emotionally connect, too. (See Best Kept Secret to Lift Low Libido.)

Psalm 56:8 “You have taken account of my wanderings; Put my tears in your bottle, are they not in your book?”

Final Thoughts

He counts our tears and preserves them. He is a kind and compassionate Lord. God cares about every detail of our lives. Since he does care about every aspect, when I go through seasons of low libido, I pray about it. I have prayed for my libido to improve, for my husband’s libido to dimish, and everything in between. The most effective prayer is when I pray prayers of thanksgiving.

Philippians 4:6, “Be anxious about nothing. But, in prayer and supplication with thanksgiving make your requests known to God.” And boy, don’t we all have so much to be thankful for???

I was finally on my way to re-claim my Sexy. You can be on your way to sexy, too, beautiful friends!

My prayers are with you radiant readers, that your marriage can be a beacon for your children and others to see Christ shining through.

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I agree with One Flesh Marriage that Sex is the Glue.

9 Comments

Lindsey Bell on May 2, 2012 at 8:21 pm

I love that you made prayer such a huge part of finding your libido. It really is such a big part of sex. Or at least, it should be:)
- Pearl on May 2, 2012 at 8:55 pm
  
  I am so thankful for the gift of prayer. Yes, it really should be a big part of our sex life, too. Thanks for the thoughts, Lindsey!
J on May 4, 2012 at 12:26 am

This post was fabulous, Pearl! You outline several possible factors for libido issues in women. All too often, wives merely assume that’s just the way they are and don’t seek answers and help. We don’t need to desire sex as much as our spouse does, but we do need to be willing to engage and able to enjoy this gift from God. Thanks!
Pearl on May 4, 2012 at 12:34 pm

Thanks for stopping by, J! I greatly value your words. We ladies need to be our own advocates in health and sex. You are right, it doesn’t have to be ‘just the way it is.’ We have the ability to reclaim our sexy!
Jenn A on May 24, 2012 at 4:23 am

Hey! I just came across your blog, and I love it! I know for me, being the mother of 4 kids, exhaustion plays a huge role in my low libido. But it is my responsibility to make sure that at the end of the day I have enough of myself left over to give my husband. I may need to sleep when the children sleep. I may need to have a soak in the tub to regroup!
A big change for me was when I had a “light bulb moment” regarding 1 Cor. 7:3-4. I saved my sexuality for my husband, and on our wedding night I gave him my gift. But I need to give my gift to my husband everyday!! That may or may not include sex. We need to take responsibility for ourselves. Own our bodies! I had trouble with feeling used when sex was just about him, but as a married woman, my body does not belong to me!! Only God can bring about that kind of change in a heart!!
I look forward to reading more exciting things from you.
Pearl on May 24, 2012 at 12:22 pm

Thanks for becoming a new friend, Jenn! Personal responsibility is a huge factor regarding the sexual area of our lives. You’ve hit the nail on the head, wise wife!
J. Parker on March 8, 2016 at 11:13 am

Thanks for this great list! Wonderful advice here.

I’ll add that I had massive libido issues post-childbirth. And young moms should not ignore the possibility that they are dealing with postpartum depression, even a mild case. It can definitely affect sex drive and should be addressed.
Keelie Reason on March 8, 2016 at 3:46 pm

Great post lovely lady. I am so thankful that you went after your libido with such fervor. I hope that many women who struggle with this will do that!
Anonymous, please on March 9, 2016 at 11:51 am

I was lucky enough to belong to a religious women’s group that did some education on sexuality in a religious perspectivewhen I was a young woman, and I remember that they talked about the ‘thirsty thirties’. I didn’t really understand that until I was in my thirties. It was the only time in my life when I had some actual genital feelings. I didn’t marry until after my change of life, and I never have that kind of sexual feeling with my husband, but I still have libido – I love to touch and kiss and hold and stroke my husband, and the more I do so, the more I want to. Seeing his response motivates me toward genital sexual expression with him, though I don’t get much out of it, physically. I think I’m as happy as any other woman, and I’m just lucky that it’s not a big deal to my husband that I don’t ‘o’. Can’t say it really bothers me, and I consider it a blessing not to have been troubled by sexual desire at an age when I might have made bad decisions.