Healthy Marriage, Healthy Sex Life with the One-Another Passages.
This is part of a series to improve your relationship outside of the bedroom which directly effects sexual interest in sexually engaging for a wife who has low desire in sexual intimacy (a.k.a. low libido). Although I typically address the wife, this series is for both, husband and wife. [/info_box]
Until just a couple days ago, the last time someone made fun of me publicly was in Middle School.
Sitting in a restaurant in Phoenix, Arizona, Dave and I bowed our heads and prayed over our dinner. It was a quick, quiet blessing. The next thing we hear is, “OOoooo, Jesus. Let’s talk to Jesus,” in a snide, insulting tone, then laughter. We look over to find this is coming from a group of people who are between 45-55 years old. These aren’t Middle School kids mocking us. They are grown adults.
Trying to humiliate someone, my friends, is a type of bullying. I don’t take kindly to bullies. I made eye contact with one of the women. I glared at her, as if to say, “Really? You can’t respect someone different from you?” My first emotion was not humiliation or shame, it was anger. Honestly, my first reaction was not very loving, but it was not vengeful, either. I did not want harm to come to these people, I wanted mature sense to come to them.
As Dave and I finished our meal, incredulous at what had transpired, the group gets up to leave. They have to pass by our table on the way out. I put on my pearly smile and made eye contact with the biggest culprit, a very large man. With a wave, tell him and his friends to “Have a great day!” Their bravado sheepened a little with my acknowledgement. I bore them no ill-will and felt silence would have indicated they defeated us.
What I wish that I’d have thought of at the time (as well as having the bravery to do it) was to go over to that table and tell them the story of how I was bullied on the school bus by an older girl. Dave could have told them his stories of bullying, as well. Then, I would ask them if they had similar stories. Chances are they would have answered, “Yes.” You see, bullied children oftentimes grow into bullying adults, unless they are shown love elsewhere.
Then, I would have asked how I could pray for them and told them the truth about love. Love wants the best for everyone, including those different and even those who think they are our enemies. Love does not demand anything of us. Love does not mock. Love delights in goodness. True agape love is what I wish for that group to experience.
So, what does this have to do with marriage and sexual interest?
Sometimes, bullied children grow up to use bullying tactics in marriage. The type of bullying in marriage I am referring to is disrespectful behavior, not abuse. We all occasionally default to bad behavior in stressful seasons of life. Sometimes frustration brings the childhood bully out even in the best person.
Bullies seek to place themselves in a position of control, creating a power imbalance. This power imbalance will kill sexual interest. Power imbalance means one person feels demeaned and of lesser value.
Bullying happens when one spouse manipulates or is overly persistent in order to get the other to bend to his/her desires. This may be through silence, pouting, or grumpiness, but can also be through insulting and humiliating words. Bullying also occurs when one spouse demands the other spouse have the exact same opinions or exact same belief system.
Power Balance
In a healthy marriage, there is no power imbalance. You are equal counterparts and can equally influence each other. Neither the husband nor wife hold greater importance. The thoughts and feelings of both spouses are respected, even if not 100 percent agreed upon. (If you share the same Christian faith, there may be theological areas where you and your spouse do not completely agree. That is okay.)
If, through mutual agreement, your marriage leans toward the complementarian stance, there is still an equal power distribution. The wife chooses to submit. The husband does not force her to. The husband chooses to love his wife sacrificially, like Christ. The wife does not force him.
When there is an equal power differential in marriage, both spouses are equally valued and heard. Both spouses are free from fear and free to love with abandon. Sexual interest flourishes in this kind of atmosphere.
The Corollary One-Another Passage for Today, John 13.
It is in this chapter that Jesus, drapes a cloth around his mid-section and washes the feet of his disciples. Jesus served his disciples in a task that was considered demeaning.
This simple act is the antithesis of bullying. Jesus relinquished his position within the room. He didn’t desire equal status, he served in an unequal status of his own choosing. In fact, Jesus did not use any power against the enemy he knew was in the room, Judas Iscariot.
[info_box type=”success_box”]John 13:34&35, “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”[/info_box]
In the healthiest of marriages, you each consistently give up your power regularly to serve.
Sex Chat for Christian Wives Podcast Webinars
Stop the Bullying (even if it is only done occasionally, all bullying is bad behavior)
If you have bullied your spouse, repent and ask for forgiveness. It’s not enough to just stop the behavior. Speaking the words, “I behaved badly, I’m sorry. You can call me out on it if I ever do it again,” will make a tremendous positive impact on your spouse.
If you are not sure if you have ever bullied your spouse, humble yourself. With an open heart and an open mind, ask your spouse if they have ever felt bullied by you. (This takes an incredible amount of courage and speaks volumes to your commitment to a healthy marriage.)
If you feel occasionally bullied by your spouse, ask God to give you the words and right moment to address this. If you are not sure the difference between bullying and abuse, please read Leslie Vernick’s book, Emotionally Destructive Marriage.
Go the Extra Mile Beyond Power Balance (for healthy, non-abusive marriages)
Your goal as a Christian is to grow more and more into the character and conduct of Christ. This is Paul’s goal in Colossians 1:28-29, where he states he is striving to present those he is instructing as, “mature in Christ.”
Let’s look to Christ’s example of his power usage for how to use your power in the marriage. He never uses power to demand, condemn, or humiliate. He only uses his power for the good of the person. Jesus’ power usage is fueled by love.
When out of love you surrender your power to help your spouse, that builds an amazing connection of feeling cherished and valued.
Here are 25 Ways to Serve:
- Pray over them daily.
- Make coffee or tea for them in the morning without being asked.
- Listen to their stories with your complete attention and interest, put your screen down, let them lead the conversation.
- Get their car detailed without being asked.
- Compliment them sincerely.
- Ask in the morning what you can do in the next 48 hours to make their day better.
- If they call you to come join them in another room, for whatever reason, go as quickly as you can. )If you can’t get there immediately, because sometimes you just can’t, tell them what you are in the middle of and that you will be there as quickly as possible.)
- Turn on their favorite radio station in the car.
- If your spouse likes things neat and tidy, put your stuff away without being asked.
- Say, “I love you,” every day.
- Ask about their favorite hobby and how it is going.
- Join them in their favorite hobby, if possible.
- “Speak” to them in their love language intentionally, daily.
- Write them a cute little love note and leave it in a sneaky place (i.e. their drawer in the bathroom).
- Be happy for them when good things happen or fun things happen at work.
- Greet them at the door when they come home from work with a smile and hug.
- Smile at them more, period.
- Unload the dishwasher without being asked.
- Wear their favorite color, favorite perfume, or favorite outfit.
- Don’t complain when they may have to help with their family (your in-laws).
- Send them flirty texts
- Don’t grumble when they want to serve others in your neighborhood, church, circle of influence, etc..
- Help them serve others in your neighborhood, church, circle of influence, etc.
- If they like to be punctual, make sure you give yourself plenty of time to get ready so that you can leave on time to get there.
- AND, make sex a priority.
Just like in the previous post, Check Your Pride to Build Sexual Interest, humility is the key. It is an antidote for bullying and essential for connecting with your spouse in a way that will help sexual interest within your marriage flourish.
Additional Resources
4 Truths about Power in Relationships Including Yours – Psychology Today (secular)
A Counselor Asks Leslie Vernick About Abuse
Photo by Joel Overbeck on Unsplash
