Healthy marriage, healthy sex life, with the one-another passages.
Sexual Interest Thrives when You Feel Accepted
When it became apparent our marriage was in trouble, sex was a problem. We felt conflict and animosity the most around the bedroom.
However, looking back, I realize sex really wasn’t the problem. The problem was we didn’t have the tools to understand and accept that we were different people. It would be so much easier if he was exactly like me, agree with me on everything, enjoy the same things I enjoy, respond the same way I respond. But, no, he had to be different.
Within our differences, there was a lot of blame. Blame points the finger and assigns fault.
When one blames, the other usually fights back. Dave and I had a pretty nasty cycle going on, which does not build a healthy sex life.
Blame keeps you on opposite sides as you force responsibility onto your spouse. “You always make us late!”
Blame keeps you from having to take responsibility and allows you to make excuses. “You made me angry and that is why I yelled at you.”
Blame keeps you from developing intimacy. Who wants to be vulnerable with someone who is constantly finding fault with you or condemning you as the reason for problems? Criticism follows closely with blame. Both are an indication that marriage isn’t going well and conflict is escalating in the marriage.
Have hope! It is possible to reverse the blame habit.
What is the antidote to blame? It is found in Romans 15:7.
[info_box type=”success_box”]Romans 15:7 says, “Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God.”
The word accept in Greek is proslambanό = προσλαμβάνω. The enhanced definition of proslambanό includes to take or to welcome.[/info_box]
Christ took responsibility for all of the human race. He didn’t pass the buck. He wasn’t forced to do it. He simply served and accepted all people who will receive his gift of grace. (If you are not fully aware of what Christ did for us read, “We have found the Messiah.”)
The least you can do as a married Christian is to accept that your spouse is different from you. You can accept that his/her differences are not bad. Differences are just facts that you navigate. However, sometimes we fall into a negative cycle of blame because one desires sex more than the other.
It brings glory to God when we go against our human nature and work to curtail knee jerk reactions like blame.
Here are some practical ways to counter blame behavior:
Gentler & Kinder – Sometimes, there really are things you need to address with your spouse. Instead of pouncing on them, take a deep breath and employ a “soft start.” For example, don’t say, “Why can’t you ever turn off a light?” Instead, say something like this, “Hey, I have been really worried about our electric bill and was wondering if you wouldn’t mind making more of an effort to keep the lights turned off? I’ll do the same, too. Deal?”
Always & Never – Lots of time when people blame, they use these two words. Remove, “You always…” and, “You never…” from your vocabulary. Behavior rarely always happens or never happens. These are just fightin’ words!
Let go the need to be right. You don’t need to win, build a foolproof argument, or compete. Blame is basically saying, I’m right and you’re wrong. This is one of the fastest ways to build a wall between you and your spouse. Instead, when blame-worthy situations appear stop, calm your emotions, and really try to understand what your spouse is going through or saying. The best way you build a team mentality in marriage is to hear and attempt to understand your spouse’s point of view. Remember, you don’t have to think alike, just think together toward solutions and compromise.
Get curious. Instead of jumping on the defensive, “try on” a new way of thinking. Allow yourself to consider your spouse’s point of view, even if you don’t agree with all of it. Find one point of their thoughts that you do agree with and say, “I can see how you would feel like that about __________.” You’ll be surprised how feeling understood will change the tone of your relationship.
How will this improve your sex life?
Blame is toxic (sorry for employing the most overused word of 2019). Especially the type of blame that is defensive, demeaning, and dismissive of your spouse’s emotions. If you do need to address something with your spouse, do it in a way that uses peace, patience, and love.
If you are part of a “blame game” relationship, try to step back from the fight. When something triggers you, pray for God to help you accept your spouse, accept the situation, and be more self-controlled. If you anger easily and out of proportion to the situation, pray about your anger, too, and actively dig to find the root of the angry outbursts.
Accept your spouse is different from you and most of the time there is absolutely no reason needed to assign fault. Feeling heard and understood helps grow emotional intimacy and sexual interest. Blame does not.
