Dear 20-year-old Bonny,

Do you remember when you were about 15 praying for a husband who would make you sizzle?  Well, God heard.

Of course, you already know that you and your new husband shared steamy chemistry.  Because of that, you two learn to be lovers before you learn how to be friends.  However, friendship is actually what is necessary to keep the passion strong through the life you will have together.

Trust God.  Here is a little of what he has shown me.

With great sizzle comes great responsibility.  With sizzle there is an underlying current that can cause electrocution.  Handle with intention.  Slow down your response time so tempers don’t flare.  Always assume love no matter what actions look like.

Never stop talking about that one conversation.  You know the one where he said he wanted your marriage to be based on respect, communication, and Ephesians 5:21?   Discuss long and often whether you’ve shown each other respect and communicated clearly.   Each give examples of what love looks like to you, in word, action or deed.

And just to be clear, you and Dave need to hone your communication skills.  Find some kind of communication training, seriously.  It will save heartache when you are both saying the same thing but hearing the complete opposite.

Actually, you both can be right.  He doesn’t understand you and you aren’t going to understand him.  Thankfully, there doesn’t have to be a winner because you are both on the same team!

Be aware that when you debate in order to understand his logic, he sees it as arguing.  Don’t overdo the ‘devil’s advocate’ thing, either.

Let your confidence soften into transparency.  Your husband likes that you are a can-do woman.  But, you both want him to know how much you need him.

Your ‘independent’ personality is a façade to hide your weak spots.  Be honest about your weaknesses.  Tell him how he can love you through your weak spots.  (i.e.  Sit with me close in church, introduce me to your friends you meet on the street, put me first before friends.)

Get busy unlearning traits from childhood.  You grew up in a verbal family, he did not.  He goes on overload when you share every detail of your day.  When he says, ‘you talk too much,’ hear him say, ‘I can’t process all you are telling me.’  But, you do have permission to ask him to rephrase ‘you talk too much.’

Nurture your spiritual intimacy.  Study the Bible together outside of church.  Pray together!  (You don’t flunk as a Christian just because you feel anxious praying out loud.  So, gently tell him you aren’t comfortable now, but you will be one day.  Which is really kind of ironic, seeing that you like to talk so much.)

Re-think your birth control choice.  There is a short season where you are going to use birth control pills.  Rethink this!!!  Research other methods.  I am convinced your sex drive was permanently damaged by three years of hormonal birth control use.  Read why this can happen here.

Date night is crucial, imperative and m.a.n.d.a.t.o.r.y!!!  I know you are going to be e.x.h.a.u.s.t.e.d after days of wrangling toddlers.  You are going to be s.t.r.e.t.c.h.e.d living on one income.  Even so, permanently schedule dates on your calendar with a Sharpie.

If you feel disconnected it’s because you are not having enough time alone together (whether doing something fun, talking or making love).  Feeling disconnected will not promote other kinds of intimacy, especial sexual.

Remember with great sizzle comes great responsibility?  Newlywed, I know you relish making love with your husband.  But, you’ve also heard and expect that sexual intimacy goes by the wayside after awhile.  That’s a lie.

Your husband is emotionally intimate through his lovemaking.  His process of emotionally connecting is first through sexual intimacy.  Which is part of God’s amazing design.  (See Why Sex?)

Here is a thought you won’t learn for decades, sexual intimacy is a form of spiritual intimacy.  Don’t exclude God from your love-making or overall sexual health of your marriage.  Trust him with your entire being, which includes all sexual aspects.

And above all trust God with all the details of your life together.

I will sign off now, because some of your life should be a surprise.

Peace, Love & Sincerely hoping this letter doesn’t create a Butterfly Effect,