When “I Love My High Drive Sisters,” published there was positive reaction from my high drive readers. Why would a low-libido blog have high drive readers? High drive wives have a tough time finding their virtual community, so they land here in desperation because I deal with libido. Although my focus is the lower end of the spectrum, I do not want to marginalize our high drive sisters’ struggle.
I’ve asked a willing high drive friend to write to you all. Anne Atwell’s voice is here to encourage my high drive readers, and to allow low-libido wives direct insight. I think it’s very important that the sisterhood of Christian women support each other. We do that by understanding we are all different and yet we are all the same.
Anne Atwell writes this for you. She’s a high sex-drive wife who has agreed to share insight with other ladies who may quietly struggle with being the higher drive spouse. To read Anne’s other posts, see:
I’m Not Supposed To Love Sex, Right?
When Your Sexuality Seems Out of Control
Keep Marriage Holy Manage Lust (part 1)
Here’s what Anne has to say.
If you don’t have an issue with lust, I’m glad to hear it. If it’s a problem for you, read on.
The Lord took me to terms over lusting about a year ago. After a long stint with my husband working as a military man in the civilian world, we were moved back to a base. A military base filled with strong, lonely men.
I remember the first time I drove on base, passing these men who gave me “those looks” because females are scant. It was not a month after realizing the Lord wanted me to work on “actively” not lusting. I literally whined like a dog who wants to chase after something but knows its owner doesn’t want it to. And I prayed, “Lord please help me, you know how hard this is for me and how badly I want this easy attention.” He helped me stop the desire to flirt and he continues to help me.
Lack and Awareness
Flirting or fantasizing is such a subtle thing that can sneak up on you. It fills your brain with that oxytocin you’re not able to get activated from your husband. Then there are pheromones and our reproductive cycle at play.
It’s beyond chemicals though isn’t it? We want to be desired, pursued, and loved by our husbands. When things aren’t happening with our men, our libidos don’t just settle down. Our libidos and hearts remind us of what we’re missing because being sexually desired, pursued, and loved by our men are natural, beautiful things we were made for.
Just the other day, my husband came home from duty. That is where he stands guard for 24 hours with little, sometimes no, sleep. The day after duty is his sleep day. When he got home that morning, I wanted him. Well to be honest I’d wanted him the night before. I understood though, that it was definitely not to the time to try putting on the moves.
Still, I can’t help my desire or the want to be wanted by him. He usually doesn’t do more than give me a quick kiss and drop into bed like a sack of potatoes (a very attractive sack of potatoes mind you) and I’m left with all these feelings and no where to direct them.
I’ve let him know, kindly, that even if he isn’t interested in full on sex a sexual touch or a long kiss helps takes the edge off my desire and makes me feel very loved to boot. He doesn’t always do those suggested things and it leaves me frustrated and sad. I find myself “eyeing other water carriers” if you catch my drift.
At times like that, even if there aren’t other men around, I find myself wanting to make flirtatious comments online and even more subtle-to use body language to signify my desire to someone if I DID go to a public place. It’s difficult to be aware and in control of my body at times where I want attention and there are people who could give me that attention. It’s so natural for me to want to “go with” how another person is acting. But the more I’ve identified how I react to sexual rejection from my husband and become aware of my body, the more I am able to keep myself out of situations where I lust after others.
I want to be clear that I am not advocating shame here. We have high libidos, it’s normal for us and if our bodies are aroused often, there is no shame in it. It’s how you are. I am advocating graceful, intelligent awareness.
Pheromones
Mentally lusting after others (imagining flirting or interactions where I am desired), has been one of the greatest struggles of my life. It has it’s roots partly in self-preservation from a huge attack from multiple fronts on my budding sexuality as a girl. On the other-side, it’s a mix of libido, sexuality started too soon, lack of information or connected guidance, and my personality. Adding in a husband who isn’t as into sexual things as I am and it makes for a frustrating mix.
I am particularly sensitive to pheromones in people and to body language. I know very well when a man is interested in me. My body will respond even if I’m not looking at him, or thinking about sexual things, or aware there is another person nearby. I’ve just become aware recently and it’s like some lame, frustrating super power haha. I think it’s gotten worse since having babies and getting an enhanced sense of smell (which will make sense if you read up on Pheromones). Hah. Here is a study on the topic: http://www.scientificamerican.
On top of that, my personality type wants to “meet body, mind, and soul” with others. Yikes right? Looking back on my life with that in mind I understand why I felt so rabid for so long. Knowing all this helps me understand and how I love to understand. It helps me remain calm. Gaining understanding is why I asked in a previous post that you write out your sexual history so you can be aware, heal, and grow into the beautiful strong women Christ is shaping you into.
Temptation
We have high libidos, temptation for not natural stuff in relation to our libidos will hit us, especially when our husbands aren’t feeling generous.
There was an instance where temptation, not just a high libido, was hitting me. I was distraught over it, knowing I would resist but hating that I was even being tempted in the way that I was. I was told “pray” by the Holy Spirit. I did for a while and the temptation went away.
When we have raging hormones it can be so difficult and so frustrating to be tempted sexually, especially when we want to please the Lord. Your raging hormones are normal, so understand that the Lord still sees you as made flawless by Jesus and know that you won’t ever be tempted more than you can handle! You have the armor of God, prayer, understanding, and the ability to choose to not give in!
Be aware (not afraid, just aware) of when it’s libido affecting your thoughts and when it’s temptation. Thank the Lord for you libido and ask for help in honoring Him with body, mind, and soul through the sometimes mind fogging times (like around ovulation). And be aware of your cycle! When I’m really raging I check the calendar, “Oh, it’s just ovulation, whew.” Or if I remember that ovulation is coming up soon I pray for help with getting through it while honoring God because I know I’m weaker during this time.
Become more aware of your thoughts and body. Learn to show yourself grace and not be afraid of your sexuality or your body. Ask the Lord for help where you need it, He wants to help you! Ask questions, learn, grow, and love.
This song is a great reminder of how the Lord is really always with you. No one can hide from the Lord-in a good way! I am so tempted to put together a playlist for high libido wives, hah. You Can’t Hide by Sanctus Real.
Mrs. Atwell is a high drive wife living all over with her military husband and two little explorers. Her favorite hobby is reading. If you would like to connect with Anne, she can be reached at Anne5@mail.com.
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