I’m delighted to host, J. Parker, of hot, holy & humorous, today. She has recently completed a 52 week devotional, Intimacy Revealed.
J says, “I experienced a fundamental shift in my Christian journey when I finally realized the Gospel matters everywhere in my life.” This is true for me, as well!
Who knew that J and I had so much in common? No matter what your struggle with sexual intimacy, this truth will change the struggle.
Please, read through her post to the end. There, you will see more information from J about her book. There’s an opportunity to win your very own ecopy, too!
And now, here’s J…..
Song of Songs, or Song of Solomon, is a book in the Bible devoted entirely to the beauty of marital love. Maybe you’ve heard of it? If you’re the spouse with a lower sex drive, perhaps its presence even makes you a little nervous. After all, what kind of example did this crazy wife set when we’re only four verses in and she declares, “Take me away with you—let us hurry! Let the king bring me into his chambers”!
Meanwhile, many wives want to say the opposite to their husbands: “Get away from me—or at least slow down! And while you’re at it, could you get back onto your side of the bed?”
But actually, the wife in Song of Songs had it both ways: She understood the intense desire to make love to her husband, but also the sense of it being a bit of a hassle at times. Head over to Chapter 5, and the husband arrives in the middle of the night, perhaps after a long business trip or maybe just a late night out with the boys. The wife describes it as: “I slept but my heart was awake. Listen! My beloved is knocking: ‘Open to me, my sister, my darling, my dove, my flawless one. My head is drenched with dew, my hair with the dampness of the night’” (5:2).
What does the lovely wife do? Well, no surprise! She doesn’t want to interrupt her sleep, get up to let him in, and then make love. She whines about his request, and by the time she rouses herself enough to be with him, he’s given up—gone.
So why I am telling this story? Because it’s in the inspired Word of God and it’s instructive. What can we learn?
1. Our libidos don’t always match in marriage. It’s not a terrible thing, but it is a thing that should be addressed. And not by the lesser libido spouse getting to control the marital bedroom. Instead, God’s commands for agape love encourage us to approach the marriage bed more as the couple in the Song of Songs does—considering each other’s needs and desires.
2. Sometimes your husband’s desire for sexual intimacy will be inconvenient. Do you know the saying, Timing is everything? But only in fantasy world is everything perfectly timed: with the bedroom clean, the children cooperatively quiet, you both firing on all pistons, plenty of conversation and romance, you feeling great about your body, him feeling great about his, blah, blah, blah. In real life and real marriage, you must go out of your way to be intimate with your husband. You have to make time or skip a little sleep or put the kids in front of one more eardrum-grating scene of Elsa singing “Let It Go.” You have to be willing to be a bit inconvenienced for the sake of your marital intimacy.
3. Getting him to give up isn’t a win for either of you. This wife complains about his sexual advances, but eventually schleps herself to the door . . . only to find he’s left. If you can get your husband to stop bugging you for sex, maybe it feels like a win. But this godly wife understands differently: “My heart sank at his departure” (v. 6). She gets up and seeks him out, desperate to bring him back into her arms, her heart, her bed. Just because your husband stops asking for sex doesn’t mean he has stopped wanting it. Indeed, having him give up could be an awful thing for your marriage, because God designed him to desire the intimate love of his wife. His higher drive may be frustrating at times, but it’s one of the things that fuels and fosters his love for the woman he chose to marry. It’s a good thing for him to pursue you.
4. One “no” isn’t the end of the matter. I believe in Rain Check Sex. I suspect some lower-drive wives worry that saying yes more could result in him expecting sex all the time. But you can say no from time to time for good reasons (sick, exhausted, etc.), as long as you give your husband hope (as in a specific time) that you will come together soon. The godly wife in Song of Songs seeks out her husband, and pretty soon they are at it again (see chapter 7). Her one no didn’t end the matter, and both husband and wife are reassured by their physical love. So if you’re unable to engage in sex when he initiates, or you simply blew it by refusing when you wish you hadn’t, seek out your husband and give him a wonderfully reassuring yes.
5. Focusing on intimacy can stoke your desire. That happens with the wife in Song of Songs. Once she focuses her mind on her love for her husband, his attractiveness to her (5:10-16), and her desire for him—her libido increases. By tuning into her own sexuality and her relationship with her husband, she taps into her sensual desire for him. Lower-drive wives often require extra preparation in mind and heart to be ready and eager to make love. And that’s okay. Find out what stokes your desire, and focus there so you can engage intimately with your husband.
As you can see, there’s a lot you can pull out of biblical passages about sexuality and marriage that can be applied today to your own situation. I’ve pulled out quite a bit more in my recently released devotional book for wives, Intimacy Revealed: 52 Devotions to Enhance Sex in Marriage. This book is a resource for wives wanting to improve sexual intimacy in their marriage, whatever their challenges.
What do you get from this passage in Song of Songs? What answers for your marital intimacy questions would you like to find in the Bible?
What does the Bible say about sexual intimacy?
Quite a lot actually. From marriage-specific scriptures to biblical principles, Intimacy Revealed: 52 Devotions to Enhance Sex in Marriage guides Christian wives through weekly devotions that shed light on God’s gift of marital sex.
Each week includes a Bible passage, application, questions, and a prayer. These short devotions will deepen your understanding of God’s design of sexuality and encourage you toward a holier, happier, and hotter marriage.
J. Parker is also the author of Sex Savvy: A Lovemaking Guide for Christian Wives. She writes the Hot, Holy & Humorous blog, where she uses a biblical perspective and blunt sense of humor to foster Christian sexuality in marriage. You can read more of her thoughts at www.hotholyhumorous.com.If this is your first time visiting OysterBed7, Welcome!
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Unfortunately, I have given up after 30+ years of marriage and my wife considers this a victory. I implore young husbands not to give up. Please seek help…there are many good Christian resources now (unlike years ago)!