When “I Love My High Drive Sisters,” published there was positive reaction from my high drive readers. Why would a low-libido blog have high drive readers? High drive wives have a tough time finding their virtual community, so they land here in desperation because I deal with libido. Although, my focus is the lower end of the spectrum, I do not want to marginalize our high drive sister’s struggle.
I’ve asked a willing high drive friend to write to you all. Anne Atwell’s voice is here to encourage my high drive readers, and to allow low-libido wives direct insight. I think it’s very important that the sisterhood of Christian women support each other. We do that by understanding we are all different and yet we are all the same.
Anne Atwell joins us again, today, for a third installment. She’s a high sex-drive wife who has agreed to share insight with other ladies who may quietly struggle with being the higher drive spouse. To read Anne’s other posts, see: “I’m Not Supposed To Love Sex, Right?”, and “When Your Sexuality Seems Out of Control.”
Let’s read what Anne has to say.
You know how you want to be pursued? You hear men singing love songs about the beautiful women they love and wish your husband did that for you. You want him to bring home flowers and he won’t. You want to be touched sexually but he’s not interested. Turn it around, sing those songs about your husband when you hear them, buy him something he enjoys (flowers, candy, etc), and give sexual touch at appropriate times. Pursue him in sexual and non-sexual ways.
Become the ardent lover. Throw rocks at your lovers window the way you wish they were thrown at yours. It’ll help channel some of your sexual energy and possibly build a new sort of connection with your spouse. I’m trying this and it has helped change my view of intimate times with my husband.
Sometimes it’s the prince that’s stuck in that tower and needs rescuing. My husband came from a home where he was not shown love. In general, our society overlooks men’s feelings and that is a shame.
How do you speak to your prince?
“Let not any hateful words come out of your mouth, but whatever is good and useful for improvement that you may give grace to those who hear,” Ephesians 4:29 (The Aramaic Bible in Plain English).
One time, at a military event taking place at a hotel, I asked a couple who I’d overheard talking about parking, where guests should park. I had to move my truck asap from the 20 minute parking zone. The woman was very helpful and told me where the attendant had told her to park, then ended our conversation with telling me how frustrated she was at her husband. He was standing right beside her.
I didn’t do more than thank her for the information. I felt bad for the guy. As I turned to leave and they got into their car, she called out the door to me, “See? He doesn’t even open my door!”
I wanted to reply, “Well you didn’t open his door did you?” but I just gave a noncommittal nod and walked away.
How do you honor your prince?
So recently, I started opening doors for my husband. It was weird at first. I’d get incredulous looks (people probably think I’m a whooped wife, ha), However, I wanted to make my husband feel respected and loved. I asked him if he was weirded out. I didn’t want to emasculate him, after all. He said it wasn’t weird.
Be in the moment with your prince.
I also try my best to be in the moment during intimate times. I was anxious, sexually, around my husband. I had all this libido but because I didn’t feel emotionally or sexually welcome for various reasons, when it finally came time to get it on I wasn’t in the mood with him.
I feel like I’ve tried to tell him a million different ways when he’s asked and when he hasn’t how to approach sex so that I’m ready to go when the time comes. He has sometimes listened but most of the time he ignores what I say and when it comes time to be together? *sigh* the times aren’t great.
Guys can orgasm so quickly without much stimulation (most can), women have certain requirements that need to be met to orgasm. It’s not a quick thing for us (okay maybe for some of you it is quick).
I had to focus less on achieving the orgasm and more on being there with him mentally. The him I loved and who was loving me. Less on what he was or wasn’t doing, and try to just delight in him. I have to say, it’s made those moments more beautiful and desirable than actually having the orgasm. If things are amiss, pray and then talk to your husband.
There are many ways to turn things around, I suggest finding out what your love language is and what his is. Then go do the things you’d want him to do for you.
Try little things if you’re feeling too hurt or angry but pray for love in your heart and get to work.
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Mrs. Atwell is a high drive wife living all over with her military husband and two little explorers. Her favorite hobby is reading. If you would like to connect with Anne, she can be reached at Anne5@mail.com.
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I get what you are saying and these are all things I have done in the past. But all it did was enable him to be more unloving, more lazy, more neglectful. He expected me to do everything for him. He expected sex to be only for and about him. He expected me to “want some” with no reciprocating relationship. He got gifts for every occasion and I got none. I carried babies and diaper bags, purses, and Bibles, and opened doors (with my foot) while he walked in.
The best advice I got was don’t do anything for your husband unless you want to. That was followed by cultivating in prayer a healthy view of our marriage and who we both were in it, and what God expects of us.
Sometimes that translates into just what you said. Other times it doesn’t.
Thank you for commenting and sharing your experience.
I want to be clear that the focus of my posts are definitely not to show women how to become doormats. My posts are also not about how to change our men (besides in prayer). My focus is: to help high libido women stay connected to God, to grow their understanding of their sexuality, to show them they are not alone, and to be empowered to grow into valiant, vulnerable, and scandalous women and wives regardless of what their man does or doesn’t do.
I agree that any act of love towards your man should be done willingly and in addition: without strings attached. For example: A wife giving her husband a massage with the expectation of something in return. Gifts of love should be free gifts. The book Boundaries is a great resource to show our responsibility to each other and how to protect ourselves in loving ways from those who don’t treat us well.
Beyond that, I feel as though the Lord is challenging me personally, to love my husband when my husband is not loving me. It’s really painful at times.
In Hosea 1, God tells Hosea to marry a prostitute and have kids with her. His wife keeps running away to auction herself off sexually and every time Hosea goes and “buys her”. It’s an illustration of how we act with the Lord and how he “buys us back” every time. I think this same love should be shown towards our husbands when they don’t love us. We should grieve for what we don’t have, pray for the ability to love our husbands, and do so to the best of our abilities (in a healthy willing way while holding to healthy boundaries.).
I pray that your marriage would be all you want it to be.
I really like this. I think that the HD wife is often not considered as it’s kind of just assumed that wives are the submissive low drive partner. I think in some ways being the HD wife is harder than LD because women, whether they have a high or low need for sex, need innately to be loved and cherished and feel desired. I think it can be very hard for the HD wife, and i’m so glad you addressed this! i have a unique perspective where i feel i have an understanding of both sides of the coin. My sex drive is very tied into my cycle. I feel high drive at certain times of the month and after ovulation, it disappears, so at those times I’m the LD spouse and have to go out of my way to be generous (other times i’d say i have a high drive and we are well matched)… at the same time, during our very early marriage, my husband was deep in a pornography addiction, and he had no desire or enjoyment of sex or need. I felt like a freak and that there was something wrong. with. me… It’s hurtful and i felt so broken…. it’s been hard healing from the porn and the things it hid, but at least, my husband craves sex with me… at least i know i’m not sexually deficient… but, i can very much understand being the “ardent lover” because i’ve had days in my marriage where i feel like that (my husband never even had an orgasm during sex with me during the first 7 months of our marriage till he started recovery… i felt like a freak… it’s been quite a journey…)
“We should grieve for what we don’t have, pray for the ability to love our husbands, and do so to the best of our abilities (in a healthy willing way while holding to healthy boundaries.).”
I like this. Finally, permission to grieve for what we don’t have. So often, well meanng people say all the wrong things. Like ” just love yourself, use your energy in a positive way, exercise more, get a hobby…” Ugh! But permission to grieve what we don’t have. I find comfort in that.
With the positive reminder to pray for the ability to love our husbands.
I am so happy that you are there, and you understand. Thank you for your posts.
Linked to your post as one of our Best Christian Sex Links of the Week.
Awesome, I’ll tell Anne! Thank you.