Healthy Marriage, Healthy Sex Life, with the one-another passages.  How to build a better sex life.

I overheard a conversation between two women about a week before Valentine’s Day.  The one asked the other, “Am I horrible that I feel if my hubby really loved me, he’d get flowers from the florist not the grocery store?”  Her friend affirmed her, “You’re not horrible. You want what you want.”

And at that point, I really wanted to butt into the conversation, but I didn’t.

Of course, I don’t know anything else about these women and their marriages aside from this exchange.  The “florist flowers only” expectation seems a bit unreasonable to me.  However, she might have a real reason for her florist preference, like she worked at a florist shop or something I cannot even imagine.

Would “florist flowers” improve her interest in sex?  Maybe for the moment, but I have some ideas how to grow sexual interest long-term.  Stick with me…

As an outsider looking in, here are some questions I’d like to explore with these women given the chance.  (These questions address wives, but could just as easily address husbands.)

Are you always disappointed in the effort your husband puts forth?
Does he rarely do anything right?
Are you generally dissatisfied with life?
Do you use threats to get your way?
Do you ever play the victim or martyr or use guilt to get your way?
Do you keep score whether it has to do with favors or past offenses?
Do you reward when your demands are met but sulk/pout when they are not?
Do you refuse to talk things out to punish your spouse?

There is no married person alive who hasn’t done or thought at least one or two of these (including me!), because we are flawed humans.  However, if you engage in many of these with regular consistency, I’d like to gently encourage you to consider how pride plays a part in your life.

Pride is thinking that only your level of cleanliness matters.
Pride is thinking only your way of thinking is right, all other is wrong.
Pride is thinking all your expectations need to be met.
Pride is thinking he needs to read your mind if he really loves you.
Pride is controlling and parenting your spouse.

Pride is involved in selfishness.  It does not promote the kind of care and concern and friendship that is necessary to nurture a great sex life.

You want what you want.

I agree that we all have emotional needs that are valid and should be met by your spouse.  However, do you have realistic expectations about who your spouse is, what his responsibility is to you, and what God thinks about pride?

I am not suggesting you become a doormat, I’m suggesting you evaluate if you have a balanced view of your importance in your marriage.  There are two of you in your marriage and the other half is just as important.

Let’s apply this week’s one-another passage to the idea of pride.

[info_box type=”success_box”]1 Peter 5:5 (NIV), “All of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, because, God opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble.”

1 Peter 5:5 (NKJV), “Yes, all of you be submissive to one another, and be clothed with humility, for God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.”[/info_box]

Humility is the anti-dote for dissatisfaction with your spouse, with your life, and will improve sexual interest.

If you think about all the favorite people in your life, I’d venture to guess most of them have a fair amount of humility.  Humility is the opposite of pride, but it doesn’t mean you are passive, spineless, or ineffectual.

Humility means that you realize everyone around you can teach you something.  Humility embodies all the fruit of the Spirit while managing a healthy dose of openness, honesty, and lack of pretense.  From a Christian perspective, humility means you simplify your idea of success and happiness to align with God’s view and not the world’s.

“When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom,” Proverbs 11:2 (NIV).

How do you develop humility?

Check your expectations.

Where do your expectations come from in the first place?  Are you comparing your husband or marriage to someone else’s husband or marriage?  If so, there is always going to be a more impressive gift or gesture.  Appreciate the person you married, flaws and all.  Let this sink in, your spouse is not married to a perfect person, either.  Be humble enough to realize you don’t need extravagance to be loved.

Expectations that are too grandiose will set you up for anger and hurt.

Now, here’s the thing.  If it means that much to you to receive a certain item, don’t get mad because he can’t read your mind.  He cannot read your mind and you can’t read his.  What you can do, is tell him precisely what you want.

So, with this in mind, the “florist flowers only” wife has a decision to make.  Do florist flowers really mean that much to her?  Then, she needs to tell him specifically.  Or, will she dial it down a bit and accept the gesture her husband wishes to give because that’s his gesture, not hers that she demands?

I will repeat, demanding your spouse read your mind is an unhealthy expectation.

Plus, do not place your own value upon the gift that you receive.  That is also not fair.  Placing your value upon the gift you receive is putting your spouse in God’s place.  Only God determines your value.

Other ways to develop humility.

Pray for God to gently develop humility in your heart, little by little as you can stand it.

Nurture gratitude.  Write down all the things you are grateful for, especially in your marriage.

Accept what others say.  Do not shut their opinions down because you don’t initially agree.  Consider them carefully.

Realize you make mistakes and are wrong sometimes and it is OK.   Recovering from mistakes will help you grow and have empathy for others in similar situations.

Realize that everyone has some gift or talent and you can learn from.  You do not know everything.  Be interested in what they can teach you.

How can humility help you grow sexual interest?

Developing a closer relationship, spiritually and emotionally with your spouse helps create sexual interest.

You can develop a more connected relationship with your spouse by realizing that you are not always right, others have things you can learn from, and you have much to be grateful for, especially the little things, helps soften your heart.  As counterintuitive as it seems, humility strengthens your inner being because the material world loses it’s worth.  The most important things become your uplifting interactions with others.

In our relationship with others, we should have the same mind-set as Christ.  He had equal status with God but didn’t use it to his advantage.  Christ humbled himself by becoming human and then dying for all humanity, even the worst of us.  But, what happened next?  God exalted him. (Philippians 2:5-9)

Try it God’s way and see what happens.  Jesus said, “For all those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted,” (Luke 14:11).  Realistic expectations of your spouse helps them feel valued for who they really are, not the false façade the world often sees of them.  It is uncovering and cherishing the honest person underneath that builds emotional and spiritual intimacy which often leads to sexual intimacy.  This means not only uncovering and cherishing the honest person of your spouse, but also of you.  Take off your false façade and live in the strength of humility.

Final Thoughts

What would I have told the “florist flowers only” wife above?  Honestly, I think I would have tactlessly told her to “get over herself.”  Is that horrible of me?  Well, I guess I want to say what I want to say……maybe I should get over myself?