If you listen to this week’s podcast, (a #metoo response) you’ll hear that I’ve been dealing with sexual harassment, in some form, since I was 4 years old. Although I don’t recount my entire life on the podcast (the link is at the end of this post), my personal story includes dozens of instances of unwanted sexual attention, as recently as last summer. My story does not include rape or serious victimization. Therefore, these words are about sexual harassment, not more serious forms sexual abuse.
Most of us, even our men, have stories of unwanted sexual attention. The enormous response to #metoo validates this. Generations of people have endured sexual harassment because it’s as old as Methuselah. Boaz anticipated Ruth would be harassed. That’s why he warned the men to stay away from her (Ruth 2:9). Joseph was harassed by that cougar, Potiphar’s wife (Genesis 39:12)!
Unfortunately, tales of sexual harassment will only end when Jesus comes back.
Why is the enemy relentless in attacking sexuality?
It is part of the core of who we are. God made us each male or female. Because I believe God made me on purpose, I believe he was purposeful in making me female. If we feel bad about our sexuality and question who we are, Satan can move on that and push us to question our faith in God.
It is the foundation of sexual intimacy. God created sexual intimacy as a powerful metaphor for the type of intimacy we will have with God in the next life. Sex within marriage is powerful and Satan wants to destroy it.
It creates shame. Shame closely follows any hint of sexual immorality, even if you are on the receiving end of someone else’s sin. Shame keeps us quiet. Shame becomes a secret. Secrets isolate us from others. Apart from reading our Bibles, it is in community that we find encouragement and truth. When we are stuck in shame like a fly on flypaper, God sends his people to give voice to the truth and help us get unstuck. We can’t hear truth if we aren’t sharing with other people.
How to heal after sexual harassment.
If you #metoo’d, it was incredibly brave of you to join the conversation. However, you can’t stop there. Dragging the secret into the light is only the first step to healing.
4 things to understand after disclosing sexual harassment.
1. You are more than a combination of body parts. If you’ve experienced a cat call at a construction site, you know how those comments make you uncomfortably aware that you are carrying around a great backside or long set of legs. But, those things don’t define you. That’s not who you are!
But the LORD said to Samuel, “Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The LORD does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart,” 1 Samuel 16:7.
Luke 16:15, Jesus said to the Pharisees, “You are the ones who justify yourselves in the eyes of others, but God knows your hearts. What people value highly is detestable in God’s sight.”
God loves what is inside of you, your thoughtfulness, your kindness, your enthusiasm, your wit and humor, your servanthood, your compassion. You are dearly loved by God. And, I’m confident, you are dearly loved by many people in your life.
You are more than a set of fabulous ta-tas.
“Are not two sparrows sold for a cent? And yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of your Father. But the very hairs of your head are numbered. Therefore do not fear; you are of more value than many sparrows,” Matthew 10:29-31.
2. Find forgiveness. I am outraged that this happened to you. It’s OK to be angry. But, if we get stuck in the anger, it leads to resentment and bitterness. Bitterness is emotional acid that destroys you from the inside out. Bitterness eventually leaks out and destroys good relationships due to your bad attitude.
Forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting. It just means letting the negative emotion attached to that incident go so that you no longer expend energy on it when it comes to mind. It means giving the person over to God. Let God work in their life to shape them into a better person. Or, if they are too hard-hearted, God will deal with them.
As Jesus hung on the cross, he pleaded, “Father, forgive them for they know not what they do,” (Luke 23:34). I think most sexual harassers know not what they do. Oh, how I wish they were driven by God’s truth about what is meaningful and important in life. However, it seems in the instance you were affected they were driven by baser things, like lust and gratification.
Forgiveness will lead you to understand that the bad behavior of a few people does not represent their entire sex. We can’t view the opposite sex as the enemy. They aren’t the enemy. The enemy is the enemy. Satan wants us to war over sex. What better way to divide and conquer?
“Finally… rejoice. Aim for restoration, comfort one another, agree with one another, live in peace; and the God of love and peace will be with you,” 2 Corinthians 13:11.
When you reach forgiveness, your prayer is that God puts a spark in the hearts of harassers to pursue Him and higher things.
3. Love over fear and shame. When you are sinking in a sea of emotions that result from sexual harassment, love is a life-jacket and fear are weights tied to your feet. You rise to the surface when love buoys your heart. You drown if you can’t let go of the fear. Unwanted touch and filthy words are what we fear because it leads to trauma and shame. Shame paralyzes us and is why we keep the secret of sexual harassment. It is another tool of the enemy.
Healing the fear and shame comes in part by understanding that the filthy words and unwanted touch really have nothing to do with you. It has everything to do with the other person’s heart. I wish everyone was overflowing with the Holy Spirit, but they aren’t. Some people are driven by their animal instinct and look to satisfy it at anyone’s expense.
Healing also comes in part by understanding that shame and fear are lies of the enemy aimed at diminishing you. The truth is seen in Christ’s life. He plainly says that he loves you, the Father loves you, and the Holy Spirit loves you. Christ never shamed anyone because of their sexuality! He rescued both the woman caught in adultery and the woman at the well.
Christ also told us quite plainly to love God, love others, and love ourselves. We love God by trusting him to take care of our offender. We love others by praying for our enemies (i.e. the offender). We love ourselves by putting up a healthy fence. This fence has a gate that shuts out things that are not of God and lets in the love of our redeemer. The love of the redeemer comes to us through the Holy Spirit and other people! Let God use his workers on earth to offer you love and comfort. Believe what they have to say.
Love leads to hope and positivity. Love washes away bitterness. Love conquers all things.
4. The source of forgiveness and love. I truly believe that humans alone do not possess the capability to truly forgive and find love. I think we can make great strides, but true forgiveness and good-will comes from the piece of God that lives within us, the Holy Spirit. Pray that the Holy Spirit will overflow from within your heart and lead you to gentle peace.
“We can know the right words yet never be changed. This is the difference between information and transformation,” AW Tozer. The Holy Spirit transforms.
Practical Steps
1. Find a friend. The only way to obliterate the shame, fear, and ugliness felt from sexual harassment is to tell someone. Speak it out loud. By speaking it, you can start to process it. Your husband is one alternative. However, as much as we love our husbands and they try to be compassionate, I’m not sure they can truly understand this pain. Some probably can. I would suggest you find a mature, discerning Christian woman in your life to talk with as Ruth talked with Naomi.
2. Empower yourself. Christ did more for the cause of women than any other in the Bible. Know who you are in Christ! You are a precious, precious soul. Knowing your value in Christ, gives you confidence to stand up against evil. You can be like Jael (Judges 4:21). She put a tent spike through the head of the General leading the enemy of God’s people.
3. Build your fence. A fence is not to cloister you away from the world. It is only a barrier to keep out evil. OR, think of it as putting on the armor of God (Ephesians 6). (My armor of God looks like Wonder Woman’s armor.) Build your fence (or create your armor) by spending time understanding truth, righteousness, and faith. Learn by reading the Bible. Connect to God through prayer. Knowing undoubtedly that you belong to Christ is the strongest fence. Only then, will you have the strength and discernment to handle the next time you are sexually harassed.
4. Don’t play the game. When I was a board member for Christian Women’s Job Corps, one of the women in our program was harassed on the job. She needed that job. The money from that job was feeding her baby. When she told us that her boss threatened her job if she didn’t go out on a date with him, our director called that company and spoke with headquarters. Our protegee retained her job. Her boss lost his job.
Even if you lose a job due to informing on a sexual predator, you will be blessed. You will be empowered to take back what the enemy is trying to steal, your confidence and righteous empowerment. Possibly, you’ll be helping another from being a victim.
5. Believe her. If someone comes to you to share a secret shame. BELIEVE HER!
6. Don’t wait to inform. If you experience sexual harassment anywhere in any form, immediately tell someone. If you don’t quite know what to do about a particular situation consult a mature Christian or your husband. If they tell you to keep it a secret, find another person. Keeping it secret is not the answer. However, handle the information with wisdom and discernment.
How does this relate to low sex drive?
As a young woman ogled for her body parts, I saw sexual intimacy as merely a physical act. There were no tender emotions associated with the lewd comments thrown my way or the groping. In my marriage, after the shine of the honeymoon wore off, my anxiety toward sex heightened because we hadn’t yet learned how to foster an emotional connection. Without an emotional connection, once again I was just body parts. My husband didn’t want me to feel used, but that was how I was feeling until we learned some tools.
So, if you are a low drive wife who has experienced sexual harassment, consider that you may need to foster more emotional connection in your marriage. Husband, learn how to let your wife into your heart. Transform sex into love making and help create sexual interest.
Final Thoughts
If you hurt from sexual harassment, I sincerely pray you find your way out of the pain, shame, or humiliation. Seek God. When we seek him and find him, little by little he renovates our hearts. God made me new and he will make you new, too. (#newtoo)
If sexual harassment happens again, don’t stay quiet.
Listen to the Podcast:
Episode #22 – Sexual Harassment #ustoo
Other Resources:
8 Ways to Support Other Women in an age of #MeToo – The Forgive Wife, Chris Taylor.
Surprised by the Healer (by Dr. Juli Slattery & Linda Dillow) – Stories of 9 women healed from sexual trauma. “God’s Word declares that there is healing for your deepest pains…”
On the Threshold of Hope (Dr. Diane Langberg) – Opening the door to healing for suvivors of sexual abuse.
Possibly, you have experienced much worse than harassment. If so, RAINN is a good resource.
RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network) is the nation’s largest anti-sexual violence organization. RAINN created and operates the National Sexual Assault Hotline (800.656.HOPE, online.rainn.org y rainn.org/es) in partnership with more than 1,000 local sexual assault service providers across the country and operates the DoD Safe Helpline for the Department of Defense. RAINN also carries out programs to prevent sexual violence, help survivors, and ensure that perpetrators are brought to justice.
I love your encouragement here, Bonny. We can each pursue our own healing, and your concrete steps are such good suggestions.
When we pursue healing, we become people who want to help others heal, too. We are less afraid to speak up and help out. Thank you, Chris, for helping lead the way.
With everything I hear about reporting harassment I do not even want to have any contact with any woman. There is fear in my heart that something will be misinterpreted and i will be reported for harassment. I made a suggestion to a woman who was using my office for her day care, and she said I was harassing her. I left and never talked to her again.
It is very difficult to carry on normal conversations anymore. It is very discouraging.
Even when women come to me for help, I have to say “no.” There are several who seek me out for advice, help, encouragement, prayer, etc. and I run like crazy. There is no safe place anymore for a man in the presence of a woman.
I cannot greet, hug, gaze, compliment on looks, or do anything that could be interpreted as inappropriate.
What can a man do with women that would not be seen as harassment?
You raise a valid point and it is unfortunate. I’m sad that good-willed men are wary of women now. The few bad apples who purposely victimize women create collateral damage. Interaction between people of integrity becomes strained. This makes it especially hard for men in ministry careers.
I’ll concede that there are some overly sensitive women. But, their heightened sensitivity is probably due to past sexual trauma. Most women have a sixth sense for genuine interest versus the sexually influenced interest.
Although your question is rhetorical, I have some thoughts.
My suggestions are things you’ve probably already thought of. Never be alone with a woman. I think you can interact, but always have a witness. If you counsel a woman, leave the door open and have your wife or secretary sitting right outside the door.
Always keep your eyes above her neck. “Side-hugs” are allowed, in my opinion.
One thing my husband and I agreed upon is that we would rarely compliment someone of the opposite sex. It’s too easy to be misconstrued, plus the majority of our positive words need to be aimed at each other not someone else. You can still be kind and genuine without complimenting.
Be like Jesus. I think Jesus had a “gender-neutral” quality about him. That’s not to say he wasn’t a man, but that he was able to interact without his sexuality being “loud.” I think he saw women as his sisters. He was nurturing. And, as I think of it, he ministered mostly in crowds.
Lastly, we can’t let Satan steal our love for humanity. Be wise in your interaction with women, but remember, “There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment,” 1 John 4:18.
Thanks for your honesty, here, Mike.
Thanks for your answers. Sometimes I think a burka would be nice. No temptation. With most women it is no problem to treat them as sisters. There are however some women who have great “assets” and dress to emphasize those Godly gifts, and it is tough. Keeping the eyes above the neck is Herculean.
Women who know they are beautiful show off. In fact many of the ads I see on TV and mags about women are about increasing their beauty. This increases their attraction, then when they get unwanted attraction, they cry harassment. Kind of unfair.
I understand what you are saying, Mike. Although I realize your burka comment was meant in a light-hearted way, that kind of thinking is not going to help solve this problem. Satan wants us to be divided, men on one side and women on the other. We are most powerful when we work as a team. What does this look like? It means mature Christian women influence the younger women to not be seductive and to see Christian men as their brothers and fathers, first. It means mature Christian men influence the younger men to not see everything as sexual, to see Christian women as their sisters and mothers, first. We need to ask the Holy Spirit to help us exude agape love for all. Yes, be discerning in dealing with women, but don’t fear them. There’s no fear in love.
And P.S. I’m a woman who has been called beautiful. I don’t think that by increasing my beauty that I’m asking to be harassed.
I will be honest here, I love women. I think they are the most beautiful creation God ever made. I love to adore their beauty, I love to gaze upon their “assets” that God has given. I don’t know any read blooded man who does not love to see a beautiful woman.
The problem is where to draw the line between admiration and sexual attraction. Much of the God given attraction is toward sexuality. That is how our species survives. I am not attracted toward a handsome man. I am attracted toward a beautiful women. Advertisers know that, women know that.
I think a Christian man has an extra power in him that allows the Holy Spirit to guide him toward the right thoughts and actions. Most men do not have that. Most men today have not been taught morals, ethics, how to rightly treat a woman, and especially how to rightly think about a woman.
I would hope that if we ever met, that I could have the permission to admire your beauty without you thinking that I am inappropriate in my thoughts and actions. Even if I gave you a hug, I would hope you would not accuse me of sexually harassing you or touching you inappropriately.
Mike, if you approach me as my brother in Christ, I will respect you and assume only good intentions from you. I try to teach the younger women around me to do the same. I believe the majority of men and women are good-willed and do not go around sexually harassing or accusing others of sexually harassing. It’s OK to appreciate women in a respectful fashion. It’s those few bad apples that spoil the bunch and others suffer.
You make a good point that some men have to learn to navigate appreciation of beauty versus sexual attraction. Our culture is partly to blame for sexualizing EVERYTHING. It is a complicated issue and yet, it can be simplified down to respect and love.
Bonny, I have been thinking about your comment “Our culture is partly to blame for sexualizing EVERYTHING.” I am assuming that you are saying “sexual harassment is partly to blame on our culture.”
I used to be a HS sub for a couple of years. I know that young people have no shame about public displays of affection. Kids in our school hall ways are hanging all over each other. It is embarrassing to watch what is going on, yet the administration can’t seem to do anything about it.
The language I hear from kids is very sexual. Not only swearing and cursing, but cat calling the girls. I see inappropriate touching, yet the girls do nothing to discourage it. When I see this behavior and catch there eye I give a frown, or a hand gesture to say stop that. But what good is that going to do?
I can only imaging what these kids do when they are alone. That is probably why there are so many pregnant girls in our schools, and why there is now day care provided so the girls can get an education.
These boys grow up to be men, and have not learned any different behavior. Where are the dads? Where are our examples of good behavior? Who is to teach our young men how to treat women with respect?
My son-in-law was raised in Texas, and was in the Navy. He came to us saying “yes sir” and “yes mam” was courteous and kind in word and deed. I did not see that in our community on the West Coast, or in the North East either. I thought our young men could learn a lot by going down south for awhile, or joining the military. They might learn some manners.
I am saying that sexual harassment is an outgrowth of a culture that sees everything having a sexual connotation. It’s semantics, but I still lay the full responsibility of the action of sexual harassment on the person doing it. It was their choice. However, when a kid grows up seeing everything as having a sexual innuendo, it’s hard for them to know right from wrong.
In your message you say the girls did not to dissuade the young men. It’s not only up to the girls to dissuade. It’s equally shared by boys and girls to respect each other. Our culture has turned a blind eye to the promiscuous boys, but if a girl gets pregnant, she’s held more responsible. It takes two. (I always wondered where the man was when Jesus saved the women caught in adultery who was about to be stoned. Why wasn’t the man about to be stoned, as well?)
You hit the name on the head about the real cause of this crisis. There are many many young people without dads in the home. I am in marriage ministry for the kids, ultimately.
We can’t just gripe about it, though. We have to figure out a way to implement a change in our society. The best way I can figure is to be a role model and also try to speak into the life of our young people. We can’t beat them on the head with a Bible. That will not work. Again, it boils down to loving and respecting our teens, as well.
Bonny, I agree 100% with you about the culture. Feminism and the overall decline in morality have told everyone that sex should be casual and free, so why are we surprised that boys and girls treat sex like a free for all?
We have been proving for decades now that mothers can’t raise boys or girls by themselves without dire consequences, and yet the rate of single motherhood is increasing rather than decreasing.
I believe that fathers have a special role in the household when it comes to sex, and it involves placing a value in the hearts of both boys and girls for how girls should be treated. I think this is probably more important for girls because boys and men will only get away with behavior that girls and women allow. This has always been the case and always will, because females are the gatekeepers of sex.
Both sexes have a role to combat this. Males shouldn’t treat females as sex objects and females should tolerate it. Again, as a group both sides have failed in this and so now we are in this situation.
What we can agree on is that men and women need to work together in reclaiming the sexual integrity of our culture. However, I will reiterate what I said to Mike, girls should NOT bear full responsibility of fighting off the guy. I witnessed girls in my high school who were beat up by boyfriends because they refused to have sex with them. Who was at fault there? As far as feminism goes, it was really the sexual revolution that sparked this. Let me point to Hugh Hefner. As far as single mothers, I worked for 10 years with single mothers, poor as dirt barely feeding their kids. They would have killed for a decent guy to call husband. We could continue with this he said/she said but that is not the answer!!!! We have to get away from the blame/finger pointing mentality.
Also, like I said to Mike, we can gripe about where we think failure is, but the thing we should be focusing on here is the solution. So, let’s quit griping. WHAT are we going to do to reclaim sexual integrity? It’s a spiritual battle. Satan likes us fighting each other because it takes our attention away from the true enemy and the true solution.
Honestly, the answer is going to take some outside of the box thinking. So, Brian, what would you propose as an answer that you could implement in helping start a change in our culture regarding the decline of morality?
Well I wrote a long thoughtful answer and then my phone decided to dump everything so I’ll summarize my thoughts.
Basically I think the solution is simple but not easy. We had a society prior to second wave feminism and the sexual revolution (very much linked in many ways) that was sexually moral. If we want to end sexual immorality in all its forms then we need to return to that kind of society with some tweaks.
Bring back chaparones. Bring back enforced segregation of the sexes. Bring back respect for women, to the point that men won’t even mention sex in mixed company. Bring back the stigmas against divorce, sex outside of marriage, deadbeat fathers, and single mothers. Bring back parents teaching children to pray and read the word daily.
Now, you do those things while simultaneously emphasizimg the importance, worth, obligation, and amazingness of sex inside of marriage and you will have the culture you want.
What can we do individually? Don’t sexually harass people and don’t tolerate being sexually harassed. If you have children teach them the values I just described above. Encourage pastors to preach the same. Beyond that, our culture is lost as a whole. All we can do at this point is change your little corner of the whole one interaction at a time and pray that God changes the hearts of America.
Like I said, simple but not easy.
Thanks for your thoughts, Brian. What I’ve learned in my sociology classes is that you can’t go back. But, there can be a revival of passion toward a God who loves us and redeemed us. That is my prayer, for revival in our country and an awakening that relavitism is not a valid philosophy. There is truth. Your last paragraph is right on the nose. I believe God is still working even in the current environment. May all of those in leadership position disciple the younger toward this as Christ would.
Mike, I know exactly what you mean. I’m terrified of sexual harassment accusations and I’ve seen it damage men even when everyone knew the charges were fraudulent.
I’m naturally a very touchy person with both men and women. I like to give hugs. But now, I refuse to even shake women’s hands sometimes. I advise all men to completely avoid women if at all possible in all professional settings. Sexual harassment charges won’t hurt your self esteem…they will ruin you.
I’m dealing with this right now in a different way. I was one of #MeToo people for my own past, but now I’m experiencing it with my son. He is a high-functioning autistic young man in high school. Three times in the last year, I have had to go to the vice-principal’s office and report some vile sexual words aimed at my son by several other boys at his school. Each of the first two times, I believe it was handled appropriately, but the third time was today and I have not heard anything yet. And it has been different boys each time! Sometimes I am so grateful that my son doesn’t quite understand the meaning of what is being said, but the bottom line is that he should never have to hear these thing directed at him by other boys; no one should. I am proud of him for not reacting to these bullies, for being brave enough to let me know, and to accompany me to the office. But there is still trepidation; fear of retaliation. He didn’t want to name the boys this morning, but wanted me to do it instead because, “they can’t hurt you; they could hurt me.” My heart about fell on the floor.
My heart breaks hearing this. Sexual harassment is a type of bullying. I’m thankful your son is being brave and not keeping quiet. Keep persevering, friend. We just have to try to influence those in our circle to do better.
I love this one Bonny. Yes, even us men need this advice on what to do afterwards.
Thank for your encouraging words and the prayer time spent in preparing this.
I wrote this for myself, too! Thank you, Stu.