The loss of sexual interest is one of depression’s symptoms. Lots of people suffer from depression, yet, keep quiet about it.  It is good to be mindful of all of this as the northern hemisphere heads into winter.

Beginning September 22^nd, the days shorten and the darkness lingers. Shorter daytime hours can produce stronger symptoms of depression and the onset of seasonal affected disorder (SAD), otherwise known as seasonal depression.  (See Seasonally Squelched Intimacy for a longer explanation of SAD.)

For those whose symptoms are severe, I recommend professional counseling and possibly drug therapy.  Certain anti-depressants can produce a double whammy of decimation on your sex drive, but not all.  Talk to your doctor about Libido Hope for SSRI Users.

Recently, I’ve received several messages from readers who are suffering with depression but don’t have the resources for these types of therapies.

So, before I give you some budget-minded advice, here are two disclaimers.

1) If you are having thoughts about hurting yourself or others, please call the suicide hotline at 800-273-8255.  People on the end of the line care and want to help you.

2.) I’m not a mental health professional, yet, I’m just a lady who likes to help people and do a lot of research.

Budget-minded advice for alleviating depressive symptoms and promoting sexual interest.

Name your goal

How do you want to feel?

Depression can make you feel trapped in a cycle, ruminating over anger/sadness/hurt (however your depression presents itself).

Start making progress toward balance by naming your goal.  For example, you would like to feel not angry/not sad/not hurt.  What does that look like for you?  Is it contentment, satisfaction?  Or maybe you’d be thrilled with just being OK.  Even if you don’t remember how the emotion you identify feels exactly, acknowledge that it exists.  You’ve experienced it in the past and can experience it, again.

Write your goal feeling on a notecard along with a scripture and a positive thought.  Look at this notecard, often.

For example:

*Contentment (your goal feeling)
*Philippians 4:11,  ^“I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.”  (your applicable scripture)
*I will feel OK, even when the situation is tough. (your positive encouragement)

Find a friend

How many times have you slapped on the “happy face” and gone about your business while dying inside without anyone knowing?  Someone needs to know that you are struggling, other than your spouse.  (If you haven’t told your spouse you’re struggling, do so!)

I’m seeing lots of studies come out (like this one) that support social networks as a means of alleviating depressive symptoms.

Loneliness has even been found to activate genes for depression and mental illness.  However, loneliness doesn’t always mean you don’t have friends.  It means you are dissatisfied with how you are connecting with your friends.  (And as a correlation, being dissatisfied with your marriage relationship probably means the same thing, you are not connecting in a meaningful way with your spouse.)

Even though you should spend the majority of your free time with your spouse, there is a great need for women (and men) to have a few close friends.  These are IRL (in real life) friends, not Facebook or Instagram friends.  Although, some of my best friends live far away, there is a different energy with living, breathing people in your presence.

Why find a friend?

First off, we see a biblical example of the importance of friendship.  How many dudes did Jesus regularly hand out with?  12.  Of these twelve, we know that he was closer to some (James, John, and Peter) than others.

“Perfume and incense bring joy to the heart, and the pleasantness of a friend springs from their heartfelt advice,” Proverbs 27:9 (NIV), or as the message states, “Sweet friendship refreshes the soul.”

Second, friendship wards off Satan’s favorite scheme – isolation!  Satan is a roaring lion waiting to devour.  Do you know a lion’s strategy is to cut off an animal from the safety of its herd and then attack?  In isolation, your thoughts can go awry.

Guess what?  This biblical advice counters neurochemical processes that are happening.

According to Natalie Geld, author of Sensual Intelligence (secular), “Loneliness increases inflammation and turbocharges your fight-or-flight stress response, which stresses you out. Your immune system starts getting weaker…. Healthy friendships improve your emotional intelligence. A powerful cocktail of oxytocin, dopamine, and serotonin (all your feel-good hormones) elevate your mood and optimize your hormonal response to stress.”

Studies show that having friends can help your anti-depressants work better!

Where to find your friend?

My suggestion is to pick someone who is already in your life.  Someone who shows discernment so you can be honest about your depression.  Optimally, you’ve thought, “she gets me!” about this person.  Because remember, the lack of loneliness isn’t about the number of friends.  It’s about making a connection.

Ask your friend to regularly check on how you are doing with exercise and diet.

Exercise affects your body and brain chemistry.  Ever heard, “You’re one workout away from a better mood?”  Exercise will not only help alleviate depressive symptoms, it can ramp up your feelings of sexual spice.  I am here to testify that this is true!  (See: Exercise Boosts Libido)

In the long run, comfort foods are setting you up for even more depression.  Cut out alcohol, processed carbs (like bread, salty snacks) and processed sugar from your diet.  (Here’s a whole post on how sugar is bad for your sex drive.)  White sugar and white flour can promote inflammation (See this study: Inflammation can promote depression).

Start by substituting a healthy choice for one of your favorite processed foods.  For example, replace chips with carrots, both have a nice crunch.  Replace diet drinks with club soda.  You’ll still get the fizz but not the artificial chemicals.  Then build to replace all the junk food in your diet.

Pray with your friend!

Pray together, over the phone if needed.  Group prayers are powerful (2 = group).

“Again, truly I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything they ask for, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven.  For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them,” Matthew 18:19&20 (NIV).

Tell your goal feeling (as mentioned above) and give your friend 3 specifics she can pray over you during the week.  Specific prayers are the most effective, imo.

Here are 16 verses to pray over your depression and marriage.

Be concerned about your friend.

People with depression use more first person pronouns according to this study.  This is brought on by ruminating through negative thoughts about yourself.  (For example, “I’m such a failure.”)  It is self-focus, which can become a bad habit.  It’s a bad habit for two reasons.  First, it perpetuates the horrible cycle of negative thoughts.  Second (and to me most important), it also keeps you from seeking to know your friend.

Finding a friend isn’t just about you.  Friendship is a two-way street.  BE a good friend, too.

I was told long ago that the key to happiness is to think about others and serve them thoughtfully.  There are lots of biblical examples of this (i.e. Jesus’ entire life).

Here is a list of what good friends do:

Listen more than you talk.
Ask at least three questions about her life during each conversation you have.
Give her your undivided attention, not looking around the room, while she talks.  (If you’re on the phone, don’t be standing in the check-out line.)
Ask how you can pray for her.
Remember what her struggles are and ask her about them the next time you talk with her.
Do random acts of kindness for her when you see an opportunity.

Do these things, and she will feel deeply loved, and, maybe, just maybe, your depression will start to lift like a Smoky Mountain fog.

God cares about your depression.

In the pit of depression is hopelessness.  Hopelessness, however, is a deception.  There is nothing that can separate you from God’s love (Romans 8:31-39), not even your lying hopelessness.  God’s promises are alive even when you don’t feel them.

Stephen’s Ministry

If you really don’t have the money to seek professional therapy but are having pretty strong symptoms, may I suggest you look into your local Stephen’s Ministry?  People involved in Stephen’s ministry are not professional therapists.  However, they do have training and are what I would consider, caring mentors.

Final Thoughts

I know it sounds kind of weird that I’m encouraging you to find a girlfriend in order to have more interest in the bedroom with your spouse, but I think it comes down to feeling heard and loved.  Of course, our husbands love us and try to understand us, but typically, men don’t process emotion and troubles like women.  Plus, spouses cannot realistically fill all our needs.

I find my sexual interest is a result of an abundance of the type of life Jesus wants to give us.  “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full,” John 10:10 (NIV).  This life isn’t only about my relationship with Dave, my husband.  It has to do with my entire person, inside and out.  What I say.  What I do.  What I watch on tv.  What I eat.  How I act toward others.  How I talk to myself.  The positive or negative thoughts I allow.  How I seek the Lord.  And on and on.

Building sexual interest is building or repairing your whole self, not just overtly sexual things. Click To Tweet

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Photo by Derek Thomson on Unsplash