When “I Love My High Drive Sisters,” published there was positive reaction from my high drive readers. Why would a low-libido blog have high drive readers? High drive wives have a tough time finding their virtual community, so they land here in desperation because I deal with libido. Although, my focus is the lower end of the spectrum, I do not want to marginalize our high drive sister’s struggle.
I’ve asked a willing high drive friend to write to you all. Anne Atwell’s voice is here to encourage my high drive readers, and to allow low-libido wives direct insight. I think it’s very important that the sisterhood of Christian women support each other. We do that by understanding we are all different and yet we are all the same.
Anne Atwell joins us again, today. She’s a high sex-drive wife who has agreed to share insight with other ladies who may quietly struggle with being the higher drive spouse. To read Anne’s first installment, see: “I’m Not Supposed To Love Sex, Right?”
Let’s read what Anne has to say.
I, like many of you, want change. It’s not an easy path but you already know that. You’ve put yourself out there, you’ve been rejected – some of you for a very long time. I hope that you’ve seen some love added to your heart through prayer. If you felt a flicker of love and it’s been snuffed out, keep at it. It’s a process, baby steps.
Here’s suggestion Two: Gain Perspective.
This suggestion is broken up into three parts. The first is relatively easy.
Write out everything that you remember about your sexuality and marriage.
-When your interest in sexual things began.
-What messages you were learning about sex, marriage, and men.
-Was your sexuality welcome?
-How you felt about your sexuality growing up and if you being a sexual person was welcome among friends, family, and your church.
-What hopes and wants you went in to your marriage with and what occurred throughout. The bad AND good.
-What is going on right now in your marriage? Is your sexuality welcome? What do you want from your spouse? What’s the condition of your heart towards your spouse?
It might take a while to write it all out but it’ll be worth it. When I did this, I realized and was able to work through things that were holding me back with my husband. There were things I was “taking out” on him that had nothing to do with him. I saw how much the Lord cares and has worked in my life. I can also appreciate the ways my husband has shown me, in his way, that he loves me.
Now this next segment is more difficult. If you’re not ready for it, I understand. I don’t want to face it sometimes, too.
Our sexuality is vastly important and it’s not the most important thing in our lives or even our marriages.
Now bear with me, I have been in your shoes and know how much it hurts to be rejected and not pursued. You just want to have the joyous sex you’ve read about and God intended already! I understand how others don’t seem to understand. I’m not telling you to be pessimistic. We know we were designed to have sex and we’ve been blessed (that’s right, blessed) with high libidos. We know the verse about husbands and wives not withholding sex.
Here we must take the mature path and realize sex isn’t everything while embracing how wonderful it is, understanding in a graceful way how it affects us, grieving for what we do not have in our marriage, continuing to be sex positive women for Jesus, and continuing to be as it says in Wild at Heart, by John Eldredge, “Valiant, Vulnerable, and Scandalous.”
The author talks specifically of Tamar, a sexually wronged woman in the bible. I can’t suggest this book enough. (Warning: Do not try to force your husband, or any other man, to read it. It’ll be seen as you thinking he’s not “man enough.”)
As a military wife, there are long periods of time my husband isn’t around. With a warrior for a husband, I’ve had to think seriously about what I would do if during a deployment he is involved in an explosion or is shot. What will our life look like? What would our marriage be like?
Of course I would stick with him and make the best of our lives but having to face these very real questions helped me see that I couldn’t make sex the end all in our marriage. There are going to be times when our husbands aren’t going to be physically with us or able due to business, illness, retreats, etc.
The third segment is: Work on Discipline.
What I mean by discipline, like the scriptures tell us, is not to let anything control you (except the Lord). Sexual urges can be strong and the reason they happen doesn’t always make sense. Thank God for your libido and then ask for help in not letting your sexual feelings control the rest of your day or your whole mood.
Don’t try to suppress your drive here. Just ask the Lord for direction and if it’s too much, your husband is unavailable for a long time and he is alright with it, consider taking care of things solo. I know this can be a controversial topic, I suggest taking a look at this link on a Christ centered look at masturbation. If it’s not something you want to consider, I understand.
http://site.themarriagebed.com/sexuality/masturbation-overview/masturbation-overview
As Bonny says, ‘it shouldn’t steal sexual energy from your marriage.’ Also, you shouldn’t be thinking of anyone else besides your husband here.
I know masturbation is not really what we want, we didn’t get married to be alone in our sexuality. It can be vastly depressing.
First and foremost, try for an intimate time with your husband. Try to be understanding and gracious if he declines (not easy to do when the feelings are raging.) Resolve to have a chat with him when you’re calmer. Remember, you aren’t alone. I go through this, others here go through this.
The Enemy wants you to feel like you’re alone and that your desires are somehow wrong. You’re NOT! The bible says it’s alright to be angry but not to sin in your anger. A great book on relationships and understanding where your responsibility to others and others responsibilities to you begin and end is, Boundaries, by Cloud and Townsend. There is a chapter on Boundaries in Marriage that might be especially helpful.
Finally: Thank God for your libido.
He gave you the libido you have, don’t call unclean what God has called clean. Sex is a beautiful thing that the Lord is fully pleased with. Being a highly sexual woman is NOT evil. For some reason the only highly sexual women on tv seem to be the women trying to steal another woman’s man or something like a dominatrix. That is not true.
Every time you feel rejected or unattractive because of your high drive, stop and thank the Lord for it. Connecting with the Lord who values you and your sexuality will change your view of yourself and sexuality.
Ask for His help accepting your libido (if you are frustrated with it) then work to understand it. Read about sex, read Song of Solomon, read Wild at Heart to really understand your man and especially read the section: A Beauty to Rescue. Cry when you need to and understand you are beautiful no matter your libido. Yes, even on days your libido seems to be ridiculously high and you can’t do anything without thinking of sexual things or becoming aroused and your husband is literally or figuratively MIA.
When your sexuality feels out of control, thank the Lord for your libido. And ask Him for help with it.
Another book suggestion is, How to Pray, by RA Tory. I feel like “I’ve been a Christian forever, of course I know how to pray!” this book will take you to the next level of understanding just how important prayer is to absolutely everything in your life. It’s a small book and a wonderful read.
Next time I’ll be talking about: Being Pursued and Being the Ardent Lover.
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Mrs. Atwell is a high drive wife living all over with her military husband and two little explorers. Her favorite hobby is reading. If you would like to connect with Anne, she can be reached at Anne5@mail.com.
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Hi Anne,
Well, I’ve read this post a dozen times. I want to comment to let you know I’m reading, but sometimes I’m just at a loss for words. I’m trying to be more positive, and so many of my comments are so negative.
I find it interesting that I’m the only one commenting. Of course, on a blog for low libido wives, this is not surprising. Even knowing that, the lack of discussion reaffirms my belief that I am definitely in the minority here. At least I know you are out there and you understand (thank you, Bonny! For having Anne write these posts…)
In my mind, no one else is commenting because they simply cannot fathom having a husband who is far less interested. It is painful to know most husbands are in an active, daily pursuit of their beautiful wives, even if she rejects him repeatedly. What does that say about a higher drive wife? I struggle with the idea that it means I am simply not good enough. I am starting to finally realize that there might be more going on here. I was in so much pain over this for so long, that I was convinced I was hideous and repulsive, inside and out. I couldn’t see through the pain of rejection. I once commented to my husband that I married too high “up”. That perhaps I should have married a fat, ugly, weirdo – because after all, there had to be a man somewhere on the planet who would be willing to have sex with me, maybe even happy about it. I was honestly shocked that this comment made my husband sad. Why would he care, if he himself didn’t want me the way I wanted him? I figured he was feeling he’d been wronged by marrying someone “beneath” him. He claims he doesn’t feel that way at all. But the thing is, I don’t want just “any man” – I want my husband, the man I love and who claims to love me.
The good news is I think I’ve begun to heal. Just begun, but it’s a start. I’ve finally decided to step back from the selfishness of my own pain and feelings of worthlessness this causes to look at the bigger picture. But it is HARD. it is so much easier to tell myself I must be ugly and worthless. In reality, I think I’m very healthy at a size 8/10. But I convinced myself that my husband must think I’m too fat and be dreaming of a tinier woman. I even began to get jealous of the perfect, tiny women that seem to be everywhere I turn. It was getting bad. I’m happy to report that the self-pity train, while still there, has stopped racing down the tracks and is slowing down to a crawl. I still need to reverse it, but we are making progress. (Bonny, you’ve been more of a blessing than you realize, by being caring and allowing me to read here and share – even though I don’t fit the demographic.)
Again, if I could say one thing to the more typical lower-libido wives (and I admittedly do not understand your feelings), I would say PLEASE realize the huge blessing of having a husband who desires you and is so willing to show his desire for you. Try to imagine how you would feel if his desire for you were much harder to see and believe. It’s not a pleasant feeling.
Anne, there is one part of your post I’m really struggling with. “Every time you feel rejected or unattractive because of your high drive, stop and thank the Lord for it. Connecting with the Lord who values you and your sexuality will change your view of yourself and sexuality… Ask for His help accepting your libido (if you are frustrated with it) then work to understand it… Cry when you need to and understand you are beautiful no matter your libido… When your sexuality feels out of control, thank the Lord for your libido. And ask Him for help with it.” You might be right. We should thank the Lord for all things, and I guess that includes my high drive. But it seems like a curse to me, and I have spent much time asking Him to take it away, to transform me into a beautiful low libido wife, with a beautiful spirit, who is more like other women, a woman a man would desire. My sexuality and my desire for my husband seems wrong, wrong, wrong. Abnormal and backwards. I do not like being this way. God has not answered my prayers to take away my libido with a “yes.” Not yet, anyway. Thanking Him for my high sex drive has never seemed like a worthwhile idea. I’m going to have to think on that for a good long time. I agree with you that I should ask Him for help with it. I am selfish and want to pray my own way. I don’t think I ever even entertained the idea of thanking the Lord for a high sex drive when it seems like a curse, a downfall, an obstacle to overcome. Perhaps I’ve been looking at it all wrong. You have given me a lot to think about. It feels icky, and foreign, and uncomfortable to think about changing my way of thinking, but maybe it’s something I need to consider.
Sorry for writing another “post” in the comments. Anne, thank you for being willing to share, even if there are so few of us out there. Bonny, THANK YOU, for inviting Anne and for reaching out to women like me who are out there, and hurting just as badly. Your kindness and caring is healing, and a blessing from the Lord.
Thank you for sharing your life and letting me know you’re reading. (:
B,
Thanks for sharing. I understand all that you wrote. Anne, I’ve only read blogs to help me understand I’m not ill and so far, yours is the most beneficial out there.
I crave my husband so much, but the refusals I get make me feel like I don’t matter in our relationship. I question our relationship at every turn.There’s no touching except during sex and no foreplay. I’m at a loss.
Surely I’m not that disgusting. Don’t all men like sex. While I’m not a size 8/10, I’m still a pretty person and I have more to offer than just my looks. I just don’t know where the disconnection is and how to fix it.
Thanks to your blog, I at least know I’m not alone.
Thanks,
M
Hi M,
You wrote:
“I crave my husband so much, but the refusals I get make me feel like I don’t matter in our relationship. I question our relationship at every turn.There’s no touching except during sex and no foreplay. I’m at a loss.
Surely I’m not that disgusting. Don’t all men like sex. While I’m not a size 8/10, I’m still a pretty person and I have more to offer than just my looks. I just don’t know where the disconnection is and how to fix it.”
I’ve thought the EXACT things! In my particular situation I’ve realized my husband focuses all his energy else-where which leaves little energy or interest in things like romance or sex. I think, from what I’ve observed and read, that guys get so into sports or work because they focus well on one thing at a time until it’s done and sports and work are structures with attainable visible goals and rules. Relationships and romance are more organic in structure and there aren’t “sure ways” of “winning”.
I don’t know what is going on with your guy or your marriage but I pray that you and your man grow in love and beautiful sexuality together.
Check out Wild at Heart, it will help you understand masculinity in a new way. I LOVE the book and often reread it to remind myself of things or to learn something new.