OK, I know I was wrong to laugh.
Hanging near the entry of their home was a list of marriage and family goals written in calligraphy on parchment. Their goals were beautiful, biblical, and specific. However, they made me feel smothered and uncomfortable. In response, I chuckled a little.
Seeing these goals gave me an immediate peak into the lives of this family. It was far removed from how our life operated. Not that our goals were different, really. The vast difference came in the fact they were written down like an edict.
As the days wore on, I contemplated that calligraphied list. Should Dave and I compile a list of goals? Are we missing something?
So, over coffee one morning, I asked if he thought our marriage and family would benefit from a list of goals. And you know what he did? He laughed.
And then he said something like…
We don’t need goals written on our wall. They are written on our hearts. We really only need one goal and we have been living it the best we can. Our big goal is to follow Jesus and live according to God’s will and all our little goals are subsets of that.
As much as it seems like it, we weren’t laughing at this dear family. We were laughing because we knew their strategy would never work for us. To me, these goals looked like a list of rules, a way to control life.
God has often told me, “I’m in control, you’re not.”
To the calligraphy family, goals on the wall may have been more of a target to shoot for. We all need to know, generally, what we are aiming toward.
And for most of us here, we are generally aiming toward building sexual interest.
Goals for Building Sexual Interest
When I started to work toward finding my sex drive, did I have a list of goals?
No.
Because, you don’t know what you don’t know.
It was extremely hard for me to start a process and not know all the steps. It makes me anxious to not “see” the road ahead even when I know the final destination. (As an aside to this metaphor, the smoky mountain fog near our new home is helping me build confidence in driving without seeing the road very well.)
I methodically started to research about sex drive. Still, there were so many facets I couldn’t begin to assimilate them all. It would take me months to put all the pieces together, but my marriage couldn’t wait. I had to go against my nature and just dive in.
I prayed and did a trust fall into God’s arms. (See: God’s Map: The Perfect Guide to Sexual Unknowns)
God told me he was in charge of this transformation over and over again. So, I prayed about my first step. Then, he set me on a path, showing me only the next step when I was ready. Once on the path, I was determined and determination seemed to cancel out anxiety.
Do you feel overwhelmed in starting to find your sex drive?
Here are some ideas for where to begin.
- Pray first for God’s direction in renovating your interest in being sexual with your husband. I can’t encourage you enough to add God to your rebuilding team! (See: Is It OK to Pray for Your Sex Life?)
- Decide to see sex as a good thing and try to fill your mind with sex-positive thoughts. Here’s something to help: 25 Reasons God Made Sex Good
- Make a doctor’s appointment. (I made an appointment with a nurse practitioner who prescribed bioidentical hormones. Here was my reasoning: Bioidentical Hormones: Menopausal Snake Oil?)
- Start regular exercise. See: Exercise Boosts Libido?
- Fill your reading list with books about sexual intimacy. Reading about sex, even a scholarly article, can help you get “in the mood.” Here’s a list of books I recommend:
Rethinking Sexuality – Dr. Juli Slattery
The Gift of Sex – Cliff and Joyce Penner
The Sex Starved Marriage – Michele Weiner Davis
Passion Pursuit – Dr. Juli Slattery and Linda Dillow
Still feeling overwhelmed about finding your sexual interest?
If you feel completely overwhelmed and sad about your marital intimacy and need a more personal touch. I suggest trying the Passion Pursuit Bible online Bible study found at authenticintimacy/online-bible-studies. You have to join the AI community and purchase a book. But, the classes are led through Zoom conferencing and you’ll be interacting with real women.
Final Thoughts
If you are a family with written goals, know that I admire your intention.
If you are a wife who is building marriage bed goals, I pray that you write your goals on your heart. Do not vere to the left or the right, but stay on the path with persistence. Keep asking, keep seeking, keep knocking to understand yourself and your husband and what healthy sexual intimacy means for your marriage.
You can keep asking, seeking, and knocking right here at OysterBed7. There are 7 years worth of articles in my archive, search through it. Also, follow me on social media (icons are on the top bar) for daily reminders to keep your marriage bed alive.
Don’t forget, I wrote a book just for you! It’s a simple concept, but can produce results in finding your sex drive called, Unlock Your Libido. Info about it is just below the graphic. Please check it out!
“Let your eyes look straight ahead; fix your gaze directly before you.
Give careful thought to the paths for your feet and be steadfast in all your ways.
Do not turn to the right or the left; keep your foot from evil,” Proverbs 4:25-27.
Related posts:
Resolutions, Fresh Starts, Whatever…
From the Podcast:
A New Year for Intimacy in Your Marriage
