I truly believe, at times, there is no harder place to extend grace than in the bedroom.  It is because the pain of sexual betrayal slices into our soft innards.  It shakes us like a mega earthquake.  It shatters our confidence and stability.  Afterall, we are naked with them, without clothes and without barriers.  We share the deepest, darkest, and most tender parts of ourselves only with them.

We trust our spouse to be loyal, to be kind, gentle, loving, and to forsake all others for us.  (This would mean forsake all other images, as well!)

That pain keeps us reeling for a while.  But, we can’t stay in that place forever.  If we claim to follow Christ, we have to walk out the basic tenet of our faith – grace, unmerited forgiveness.  It takes work to walk through that grief.  But, it can be done.

Grace not bitterness

It doesn’t mean the pain isn’t real and it doesn’t mean their actions weren’t wrong.  It just means we can’t keep living in the place of pain.  We have to find a place of forgiveness or we will grow bitter and hard.

“Pursue peace with all men, as well as holiness, without which no one will see the Lord. Be careful that no one falls short of the grace of God, so that no root of bitterness will spring up to cause trouble and defile many,” Hebrews 12:14-15.

“Get rid of all bitterness, passion, and anger. No more shouting or insults, no more hateful feelings of any sort. Instead, be kind and tender-hearted to one another, and forgive one another, as God has forgiven you through Christ,” Ephesians 4:31-32.

We have to figure out how to clothe ourselves in the character of Christ.  Christ who mentored forgiveness in his life and was our source of forgiveness in his death.  Clothing ourselves in the character of Christ means we have to think about our actions and not just let everything flow freely.  We pray over ourselves in the morning to be guided and directed by the Holy Spirit.

I know that we understand that we received a gift and should also extend that gift to others.  The trick is doing it.

“You are the people of God; he loved you and chose you for his own. So then, you must clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Be tolerant with one another and forgive one another whenever any of you has a complaint against someone else. You must forgive one another just as the Lord has forgiven you,” Colossians 3:12-13.

Humble or proud?

A proud person hangs on to their pain hoping to somehow be vindicated.  But, grace is unmerited forgiveness.  We received unmerited forgiveness through Christ.  To have peace, we must release the pain we’ve been holding so tightly, humbly realizing we have sinned against our spouse in other ways.  Neither of us is perfect.

“But the grace that God gives is even stronger. As the scripture says, “God resists the proud, but gives grace to the humble,” James 4:6.

I received grace when my husband forgave me of betraying him with pre-marital infidelity.  I hurt him, not waiting to experience sexuality with only him.  But, he extended grace.

Years later, my husband betrayed me with pornography.  He hurt me, but I remembered back to when he had forgiven me.  I also was very aware of the gift Christ had given me in order that I could have peace with God.  Those two things helped me move past the wretched pain I felt.  It didn’t happen overnight.  But, it did happen because I let it.

The source of forgiveness

Intellectual forgiveness, the kind where your brain says, “I forgive you,” doesn’t always translate to our heart.  Sexual betrayal is one of those places where heart forgiveness often lags behind.  I’m convinced this kind of forgiveness doesn’t have a human source but we have to release our anger to unveil the forgiveness.  It’s an extraordinary forgiveness that only comes from the same power that lives within us that also raise Christ from the dead (Romans 8:11).

Even though it is not specifically mentioned, I believe forgiveness is a fruit of the Spirit.  Doesn’t forgiveness lead to peace?  Peace within your relationship and peace within your heart.  Pray for the Holy Spirit to rule in your heart and let yourself soften.  It will be a beautiful thing to let go of your wrath.

“Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight,” 1 Peter 3:4.

Forgiveness isn’t a free ticket

We forgive as God forgives but forgiveness is not a free ticket.  God also expects us to live in a way that he prescribes.  When we forgive, it is not telling our spouse they can continue to do what they were doing.  That’s where “the work of marriage” comes in.  In forgiving, you can also be lovingly adamant about certain behaviors so that your marriage will walk toward the path of holiness.  (Maybe in another post, I’ll talk about behaviors that help build trust and walk toward holiness.)

Funny thing, as you walk together toward the path of righteousness, you will learn to trust again.

What does the path of righteousness look like?  

First and foremost, each individual takes a thorough look inside of themselves.  Where have you wronged your spouse?  The kicker is, usually, the betrayed spouse has sinned against the other spouse in ways other than sexual infidelity.  Keeping secrets about finances, lying about your time, holding other family members in a higher priority, speaking sarcastically, yelling, all of these slights are sins against your spouse.  So, in demanding that our straying spouse tow the mark, we have to also.

How do you return to a normal intimate life after infidelity or betrayal?

Assuming that you both are moving toward complete healing, you move forward with consistency.  Honestly, sexual intimacy is a powerful tool for healing.  The chemicals that are released are bonding.  Spiritually, you are renewing your vows between each other and for God to see.

During the act, you keep your mind focused on inner sensations.  If your mind starts to wander either start to pray or open your eyes.  Try to smile at each other, even say a few things to each other if you are not big talkers.

If you work with the Holy Spirit toward forgiveness, sexual intimacy with your husband will become sweet, again.  That’s the beauty of God’s ways.  He points relationships in the right direction to end up in sweet communion.

Grace = unmerited forgiveness

If you struggle with forgiveness, consider what God says about forgiveness.  Pray over the verses at the end of this post.

Consider how Christ died to make humanity’s relationship right with God.  Humanity that continues even today to turn their backs on God.  But, Christ died and rose so that even these could have a chance at eternal life and a chance to live a Kingdom life on earth.  There’s still hope for them and there is still hope for the resurrection of lifeless marriages who are struggling with forgiveness from sexual betrayal.  With forgiveness comes peace and life.

Verses about Grace

“Out of the fullness of his grace he has blessed us all, giving us one blessing after another,” John 1:6.

“For God has revealed his grace for the salvation of all people,” Titus 2:11.

“Let us praise God for his glorious grace, for the free gift he gave us in his dear Son!” Ephesians 1:6.

“But by the free gift of God’s grace all are put right with him through Christ Jesus, who sets them free,” Romans 3:24.

“For it is by God’s grace that you have been saved through faith. It is not the result of your own efforts, but God’s gift, so that no one can boast about it,” Ephesians 2:8-9.

“We believe and are saved by the grace of the Lord Jesus, just as they are,” Acts 15:11.

“Let us have confidence, then, and approach God’s throne, where there is grace. There we will receive mercy and find grace to help us just when we need it,” Hebrews 4:16.

“As for you, my son, be strong through the grace that is ours in union with Christ Jesus,” 2 Timothy 2:1.

“But the grace that God gives is even stronger. As the scripture says, “God resists the proud, but gives grace to the humble,” James 4:6.

“May the grace of the Lord Jesus be with everyone,” Revelation 22:21.

Verses about Forgiveness

“Peter said to them, ‘Each one of you must turn away from your sins and be baptized in the name of Jesus Christ, so that your sins will be forgiven; and you will receive God’s gift, the Holy Spirit,’” Acts 2:34.

“But if we confess our sins to God, he will keep his promise and do what is right: he will forgive us our sins and purify us from all our wrongdoing,” 1 John 1:9.

“Get rid of all bitterness, passion, and anger. No more shouting or insults, no more hateful feelings of any sort. Instead, be kind and tender-hearted to one another, and forgive one another, as God has forgiven you through Christ,” Ephesians 4:31-32.

“If you forgive others the wrongs they have done to you, your Father in heaven will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others, then your Father will not forgive the wrongs you have done,” Matthew 6:14-15.

“So if you are about to offer your gift to God at the altar and there you remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar, go at once and make peace with your brother, and then come back and offer your gift to God,” Matthew 5:23-24.

“So then, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, so that you will be healed. The prayer of a good person has a powerful effect,” James 5:16.

“You are the people of God; he loved you and chose you for his own. So then, you must clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Be tolerant with one another and forgive one another whenever any of you has a complaint against someone else. You must forgive one another just as the Lord has forgiven you,” Colossians 3:12-13.

“God announced long ago through all the prophets that his Messiah had to suffer; and he made it come true in this way. Repent, then, and turn to God, so that he will forgive your sins. If you do, times of spiritual strength will come from the Lord, and he will send Jesus, who is the Messiah he has already chosen for you,” Acts 3:18-20.

“Forgive us the wrongs we have done, as we forgive wrongs that others have done to us,” Matthew 6:12.

“Jesus said, ‘Forgive them, Father! They don’t know what they are doing,’” Luke 23:24.

“Peter said to them, ‘Each one of you must turn away from your sins and be baptized in the name of Jesus Christ, so that your sins will be forgiven; and you will receive God’s gift, the Holy Spirit,” Acts 2:38.

“But if we confess our sins to God, he will keep his promise and do what is right: he will forgive us our sins and purify us from all our wrongdoing,” 1 John 1:9.

*These verses are from the Good News Translation.  Although this translation isn’t as popular with Biblical scholars, I loved the basic, every man’s language and how it conveyed these simple truths.

Also see:

What is Grace?

How do I Forgive Her of Past Lovers?

The One Quality of all Strong Marriages