Becoming We

Healthy marriages, typically, have a healthy sex life. What if you didn’t grow up in a house with a healthy marriage or it was only partly healthy?

Last week, I announced that each Sunday I will be posting about the ingredients that make up a healthy marriage with doable action items. All of the posts will incorporate the “one another” passages in the Bible.

Today’s post is the first to dive into this year long series.

I drove home alone from Chattanooga last fall after attending my 4 year-old great-nephew’s backyard bouncy castle birthday party. In spite of Dave’s absence (he was sick), the moderate extrovert in me was delighted by family time and lots of rowdy toddlers, but I was understandably drained as I settled into the hour’s drive.

On I-75, about half-way home, in the distance I saw what looked like a bright pink flag, flapping in the wind. As I got closer, I realized it was a youngish woman. She was wrapped in a bright pink blanket, walking with determination along the side of the highway, pulling a wheeled suitcase behind her. I also saw that there wasn’t an exit any time soon. There was a tug in my heart to pull over and give this young woman a ride.

In the flash of a moment, I thought of stopping for her. Then, in an even quicker flash, all the reasons not to crowded in and murdered that good intention. Mostly the reasons were about me. I was tired. I still had stuff to do when I got home. Would I have to go out of my way to drop her off? What if she wasn’t mentally stable? What if she attacked me? Could I take her? I’m all buff from jazzercise, but she looks bigger than me.

Honestly, the safety issues were secondary to my other reasons of being tired and not wanting to deal with it.

That brings me to the first point of this post.

If improving your sex life is a resolution of yours, you can’t drive past the things that need tending. You have to stop and pick up the other passenger in your marriage and race toward home together, become a team, become a “we.”

Are you too tired from your own stuff and don’t have the emotional energy to deal with your marriage? This is the perfect time to pare down your life of individual stuff and invite your spouse to truly live life with you.

I’m not saying you have to be, “joined at the hip,” but sort of. For some that is scary, because you don’t even like your spouse that much right now. However, in order to grow your marriage you have to invite your spouse to live life with you, while giving them enough room to be their own person.

[info_box type=”success_box”]Relating this to the one-another passages of the Bible.

Romans 12:5 (ESV), “So, we, though many, are one body in Christ, and individually members of one another.”

Ephesians 4:25 (ESV), “Therefore, having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another..”[/info_box]

Did you know that the Greek for “one another” isn’t two words, but one? ἀλλήλων = allelon = one another. This one word alludes to a type of togetherness in friendship that is greater in depth than the norm. It is reciprocal and mutual.

Interdependence

The one another passages stress interdependence. What is interdependence? In marriage, it is a balance between being overly needy and overly independent.

For those who are too needy, it is an exercise in letting go and allowing your spouse to be their own person. They don’t have to like all your likes or agree with you on all the issues. It’s also an exercise in developing yourself (physically, intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually), becoming confident, knowing boundaries.

For those who are too independent, it is an exercise in letting the other in. It isn’t a method of control to let your spouse know where you are at all times (emotionally and physically, at a location). It’s what friends do. Interdependence for the overly independent is also an exercise in letting yourself be known, revealing things, tolerating the ability to depend on your spouse for support. If an activity, outside of work, occupies the majority of your time, interdependence also means you include your spouse in this activity or you reduce the solo time spent doing this activity.

Both of these have a lot to do with trust. We will talk about trust another time.

Becoming we

Here are some ideas to build a healthy connection (i.e. a really tight friendship) and grow from “me,” to, “we.”

One. Set aside at least 15 minutes every day to talk without kids, screens, or distractions. Get up early if you have to. Talk about how you are emotionally feeling about life. Talk about something great that happened that day. Don’t talk about to-do lists or schedules (unless it’s sex scheduling. Ha! Seriously, though, listen to Episode 5: Sex Scheduling).

Two. Show interest in your spouse’s stuff. How’s work been? What have you learned lately? Ask about their hobby. Send them info you run across that is relevant to them. But, if he or she mentioned the need to lose weight, don’t just send a podcast titled “diet,” with no message from you, that might not go over well (shout out to the friend this happened to 😉 ).

Three. If there are small kids at home, hire a babysitter and do some stuff alone, together. Not necessarily sex, but it could be. At the very least once a month. Build it into your budget.

Four. Forgo “ladies night out” and “poker night” for time together or time alone nurturing your faith (Bible study, prayer). It’s good to have friends, but when your marital friendship isn’t up to par, time spent together or time spent nurturing your faith is more important. If time together is hard because of conflict between the two of you, get some help, either research on your own for strategies or see a marriage counselor. (Do You Want Sexual Interest to Grow? Eliminate These)

Fifth. Remember that your spouse is fundamentally different from you and that is OK. Differences help us see things from different perspectives, giving a fuller picture.

Sixth. Nurture your own growth. Read some books, listen to some podcasts on interests you have (fine art, American history, etc.). Grow emotionally. If you have an anger issue, get some help. If you seem to have social skills problems, find help. If you always react defensively to things, get help. (I know this one sounds counterintuitive, but having a healthy sense of self is important to interdependence, too.)

Healthy Marriages, typically, have a healthy sex life.

A marriage that flourishes allows individuals to retain their identities while meshing their lives and interests, showing support and care.

In order to build a great one-flesh union in the bedroom, you need to feel great about your husband and the relationship you have outside of the bedroom with him.

Final Thoughts

Going back to what I talked about in the beginning. After driving past the young lady wrapped in the pink blanket, I looked in my rear-view mirror and she was gone! Now, I may have drove far enough away that she was no longer in my field of vision. Or, God was inviting me to “entertain angels unaware” and I failed. Either, way, I’ve had a great deal of regret about not picking her up.

I implore you to not have regrets. Strengthen your friendship with your spouse. It will strengthen your sexual connection, too!