When “I Love My High Drive Sisters,” published there was positive reaction from my high drive readers. Why would a low-libido blog have high drive readers? High drive wives have a tough time finding their virtual community, so they land here in desperation because I deal with libido. Although, my focus is the lower end of the spectrum, I do not want to marginalize our high drive sister’s struggle.
I’ve asked a willing high drive friend to write to you all. Anne Atwell’s voice is here to encourage my high drive readers, and to allow low-libido wives direct insight. I think it’s very important that the sisterhood of Christian women support each other. We do that by understanding we are all different and yet we are all the same.
Now, let’s read Anne’s words.
Well this is frightening, outing myself as a high drive wife. I’m not supposed to love all aspects of romance and sex or think about it as much as I do right? I’m not supposed to be the one trying to initiate things with my husband only to be rejected; and if I am rejected it’s not supposed to be a big deal because all women don’t really want sex.
Except that I do love romance and sex: the melding of mind, body, and soul. And I get crushed when my husband rejects me.
I remember mentioning to a close friend that I felt sexually rabid. I sometimes hate how often I get aroused, how often I think of sexual things, and I’ve even asked the Lord to take away some of my libido so it wouldn’t be such a daily struggle and such a scar on my heart.
You thought your husband, being a male and all, would be all over you after you married. Would pester you for sex, we’ve all heard stories of women hating how much sex their husbands want right? When you were dating he was close to you (if you were okay with physical touch during courting), nothing seemed out of the ordinary.
You probably started out generous with your sexuality too, excited to build this amazing relationship and an intimate bond like no other. You do all sorts of things for your husband in the bedroom (or elsewhere) but you notice he’s just not into it like you are. He’ll go along with it sometimes, then when he’s “finished” so is your intimate time. Or maybe, he just flat out doesn’t want to have sex. “Is something wrong with me?” you ask.
You look for help and find articles geared towards men with low drive wives. If you’re like me, you commiserate with a lot of what those men go through, to a point. Maybe you mention your drive to people who you trust, like I did. The women I shared my hurt to dismissed my high drive and one told me I “just need a hug”.
But you know that’s not true. Your drive is a need. This isn’t a need like going out to eat or exercise where I could go with a friend if my husband isn’t interested in joining me. This is something only my husband can participate in.
For those with other than high drives who don’t understand a high drive, imagine you are thirsty. And you can only get water from one person. You tell that person you’re thirsty and they either ignore you or tell you they aren’t in the mood to get you water. Maybe you think, alright, I can ask later. You go about your day but your thirst is always there, always at the edge of everything you do and think. You find yourself staring at waterfalls and you see other water carriers and you want to ask them to share some water.
Okay, not getting your sexual needs met won’t kill you like not drinking water would but the intense feeling is there. It even says in the bible that husbands and wives shouldn’t withhold sex from each other.
1 Corinthians 7:4-6 Contemporary English Version (CEV)
4 A wife belongs to her husband instead of to herself, and a husband belongs to his wife instead of to himself. 5 So don’t refuse sex to each other, unless you agree not to have sex for a little while, in order to spend time in prayer. Then Satan won’t be able to tempt you because of your lack of self-control. 6 In my opinion that is what should be done, though I don’t know of anything the Lord said about this matter.
When my heart feels empty and my drive too much, probably around ovulation for me, I’ve thought, “I’ve done my part here, I’ve tried everything and have nothing more to give.”
I’ve taken it out on my husband and snapped, “I’m glad we’re roommates.” or “I didn’t marry you to be best friends and give high fives.” Very classy right? I’m sure you’ve all had your moments.
I don’t have all the answers, mind you, and my man hasn’t suddenly developed a high libido but I can say my marriage is way better than it was at the beginning. I’ll be writing one or two suggestions per post to help make this less of a struggle.
Step 1: Tell God everything.
“But I’ve prayed,” you say, “I’ve done everything I can!”
If you’ve asked God for help, great. If you’ve done all you can do, perfect. I know that one person can’t change a marriage by themselves. All positive changes I’ve seen in my sex life and marriage are because of God working.
Tell God everything that’s on your mind, unfiltered. Unburden yourself as though you were talking to a close friend. Not just a “Please help my husband want me more.” or something along those lines. I mean, that’s a good prayer too but the goal is to tell God exactly how you feel and what you think. He’s a relational God. Cry, laugh, get angry, just be honest.
I do suggest starting off with thanksgiving, as you would with any prayer.
Why?
God wants to help you. He wants your best and he wants your husband’s best. He gave you that libido and cares very deeply for you. He created sex for men and women to enjoy not to suffer in silence and shame with.
After you talked it out with the Lord, ask for His help in understanding your husband, help with being that loving wife regardless of your sex life, for help when you get sexually frustrated, help when you feel worthless and undesired, and to help you not to lust after others with your lack.
He will help you.
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Mrs. Atwell is a high drive wife living all over with her military husband and two little explorers. She loves to read and write. If you would like to connect with Anne, she can be reached at Anne5@gmail.com.
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Bonny and Anne, thank you, thank you, thank you!!! For so long I have felt so alone. I have felt rejected, ugly, worthless, repulsive, un-feminine and very lonely. My husband is very loving in every other way and he gets sad when he senses I am sad and having these negative feelings. But the fact is, his libido doesn’t match mine, and he is not interested as often as I am. (Your water analogy was great!)
Other women are beautiful. Other women are desireable. Other women have to fend their husbands off every night. I feel like if I’m lucky, he will take pity on me and give in. I don’t want him to give in, I want him to want me. (In his defense, he claims it is never pity sex, but I sure feel like it is.) Some days I just hate being me.
I look forward to reading more, especially Step 3 – because so often I pray, I beg God to take my sex drive away. I feel like it’s a curse. I know you are right and I should pray more, but sometimes I feel like it’s pointless. It’s not like I’m literally starving, so I should just toughen up and deal with it. Perhaps this is my lot in life.
I liked what you said about “God wants to help you. He wants your best and he wants your husband’s best. He gave you that libido and cares very deeply for you. He created sex for men and women to enjoy not to suffer in silence and shame with.” Now I just need to learn to believe it.
Thank you for reaching out to us higher drive wives. THANK YOU for caring! Thank you for taking the time to share. Thank you so much.
We care very much, B!!
My husband loves me in so many other ways as well that I feel bad even bringing sexual things up with him. And I feel like I get pity sex too and you’re right, it’s NOT what we wanted. We want to be wanted passionately and that is good. I find myself thinking in those times that it reflects how the Lord wants to be desired intensely. I wanted to say that while yes, one should learn to accept the state of their marriage, that doesn’t just mean “suck it up and deal with it” in the sense of trying to suppress your feelings and “getting over it”. Your feelings and wants are very very valid and the Lord wants to hear about them and teach you how to make things better. I will be posting in the future about making the most of the moments of intimacy you do have with your husband and about remaining vulnerable and soft which is very difficult but is being our true beautiful selves for the Lord. That you are here in this community shows how much you love the Lord and want to learn how to live for the Lord in all aspects of your life.
Thank you so much for addressing this issue!
I wasn’t sure how these posts might be received. I am so glad they are helping us HL women find community. (:
I read your blog to help me understand my no drive wife. I see Mrs. Atwell understands me completely. My wife doesn’t at all. There is no hope after so many years of this.
I am sorry you and your wife are not on the same page. There was a point in our marriage that my husband would have said there was, ‘no hope.’ But, he was wrong. Don’t discount Christ’s ability to do the impossible. One of my favorite quotes is by Dr. Henry Cloud, “If trying harder hasn’t worked, try different.” What is something completely different you could employ to grow your relationship with your wife?
I know everyone’s different but any insight into what he did that created environment for change? My instinct is to just tell her to keep her stingy affection.
Hi,
I know your pain and I really appreciate that you are trying to see things from your wife’s perspective! If you’d like a male perspective on an HD husband with a LD wife check out The Generous Husband http://www.the-generous-husband.com/
I also wanted to quote from Wild at Heart (pg192): It’s a Battle:
“…Some men are willing to go in once, twice, even three times. But a warrior is in it for good. Oswald Chambers asks, “God spilt the life of his son that the world might be saved, are we prepared to spill our lives?” Daniel is in the midst of very hard, very unpromising battle for his wife. It’s been years now without much progress and without much hope. Sitting in a restaurant the other night, tears in his eyes, this is what he said to me: “I’m not going anywhere. This is my place in the battle. This is the hill that I will die on.” He has reached a point that we must all come to sooner or later, when it’s no longer about winning or losing.
His wife may respond and she may not. That’s really no longer the issue. The question is simply this: What kind of man do you want to be? Maximus? Wallace? Or Judah? A young pilot in the RAF wrote just before he went down in 1940, “The universe is so vast and so ageless that the life of one man can only be justified by the measure of his sacrifice.” ”
I pray your marriage becomes all you and your wife want it to be, and all God intended.
And here is my answer to your question, Distilled Animal Spirits. Thank you for being a reader. http://www.oysterbed7.com/13-ways-my-husband-influenced-my-sex-drive/