Marriage is a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. The bread is the foundation, your mutual belief in Jesus Christ. The jelly is experiencing the ups and downs of life as a team. It can be sweet or tart, depending on your particular circumstance.
Sex is the peanut butter. It keeps the whole thing bound together. It also adds a nice salty balance to the sweet/tart of the jelly.
What if you are a low-libido spouse that only sees peanut butter as annoyingly sticking to the roof of your mouth? You can never seem to rid yourself of it altogether?
If you are that low-libido spouse, I applaud you for sticking around long enough to read this sentence. Peanut butter (sex) can indeed seem like an annoyance, unless you understand how crucial it is to the savory nature of your marriage.
If you say, “I don’t know if I want to become a fan of peanut butter (sex).” I understand. I once stood in your shoes.
Chances are, if you are reading this, your marriage is not happy and there is no peanut butter in your pantry.
Actually, your spouse has been putting peanut butter on your shopping list for a very long time. It just seems there is never enough time to go down that aisle or not enough money in the account to pick up a jar. Because, seriously, isn’t peanut butter just a luxury? No one needs to have peanut butter that often.
You have to ask yourself, “Do I want to continue the conflict about sexual intimacy? Do I want to remain this unhappy?”
Well, if you want to move out of a place of unhappiness, it might be worth your while to consider the nutrients peanut butter (sex) provides your marriage.
God created peanut butter (sex), so there must be spiritual benefits.
Within sexual intimacy there is trust, hope, love and faith in your partner. You bare it all and trust that they are supportive and loving and wanting the best for you.
It must please God to have his children commune in the marriage bed. Sexual intimacy has been compared to the type of relationship God wants to have with us through Christ (Ephesians 3:8-12, Ephesians 5:32), an earthly symbol of a heavenly reality.
Peanut butter helps the healing process. (Seriously, peanut butter has 116% of your daily need of vitamin E and helps speed the process of cell regeneration.)
Sexual intimacy is healing and bonding. I’m not saying that the act of sex will make you forget the angry and disrespectful words pointed your way or whatever else your higher drive spouse has done that was selfish.
When I was wounded by his words, having sex with him was the last thing I wanted to do. That would mean he won. How wrong I was. No one wins when sex is a point of constant conflict.
Sexual intimacy is healing because it creates a savory climate for forgiveness and grace.
Allow yourself to contemplate a different point of view just for a moment.
As a lower-drive spouse, I thought he just needed physical release. Now, I see that I misunderstood his intentions. For him, touch did what words could not. Everybody is different in how love is poured into them. For most higher drive spouses, sexual intimacy is an outward sign of emotional intimacy.
Frustrated, raw emotions of perceived neglect and disregard becomes anger. The anger is heightened when there is an inability to put hurt into words. It was hard to see past his anger and into his heart. Because, the anger made me feel attacked.
Learning to see past the anger into his core with an open heart may lead you to feel tenderness and compassion.
Jesus had lots of compassion. Matthew 9:36, “When he saw the crowds, he had compassion for them, because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd.”
Decide to come home with some peanut butter.
OK, I’ll be honest. It took some major work on God’s part to help me see peanut butter as a pantry staple. We had years of negativity to work through.
However, I did finally decide to go down the peanut butter aisle and you can, too.
An amazing thing happened. As I decided to engage in more frequent and consistent sexual intimacy, I saw his actions toward me become softer, gentler and positive. Anger disappeared.
Then, we figured out that our PB&J was so much better with a nice cold glass of milk to go along with it.
We’ll talk about the milk of conversation in the next post. Because, love pours into the low-libido spouse in a whole different way.
Linking with Crystal Storms at Intentionally Pursuing’s, Intentional Tuesday.
Linking with Sheila Gregoire at To Love, Honor, and Vacuum’s, Wifey Wednesday.
Awesome post…. we liked it very much and liked the comparison of sex with PB&J.
Yes sex does so much for a marriage. It helps with tension and depression and anger toward each other. when we have regular sex with our spouse we feel so much more connected with them and seem to love each other more and are more tender with each other.
Sex is a mysterious bond. An invisible life line that connects hearts. Thanks for the kind words! Glad you liked it.
I love this, Bonny! I don’t like peanut butter very much on its own–but I love peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. What does that say about me?
I guess it means you like a nice mixture of flavors and textures! Variety is good for the libido.
We both loved it too, Bonny!
Thanks, Betsy. 🙂
I love the idea and thou g t of peanut butter but I find that I actually eat more of the store bought product. How in the world is there time for sec when you have two toddlers and two full time jobs and inconsistent sleep? Please shed any light you my have.
Sorry about the typos….
no worries. 🙂
Well, to be honest, it was hard for me during that time of life, too. It boils down to scheduling and him helping around the house so you aren’t completely wiped ALL of the time. Sit down with your man and make a chart/calendar of rendezvous times. Think outside of the box, like a quickie in the shower in the morning, meet at home for ‘lunch’ twice a month. Sometimes engage when you really aren’t feeling very romantic. You engage for the good of your marriage. I completely understand how exhausted you are. Just by showing your man that you take his need seriously by trying to make it a priority with scheduling will help him feel loved. You conserve energy on the days you have made an ‘appt.’ and pray for God to give you an extra bit of strength that day. Pray is a secret libido weapon!!! God bless you, Heather. I appreciate that you are contemplating how to make it happen during a very chaotic season of life.
I hate peanut butter, love sex. LOL. But I think this is a great analogy! I especially like the part about how we pour out love in different ways, and we need to understand the higher-drive spouse is after more than physical release. Well done.
You are the only person I’ve ever known who hates peanut butter (aside from allergic people). Glad you can appreciate the metaphor anyway. 🙂 Thanks, friend!
Great post, Bonny. The comparison between peanut butter and sex is spot on. If your marriage isn’t happy there’s no peanut butter in your pantry … so well said. I work in womens ministry and am definitely passing this on!
Thanks so much, Susan! I’m praying there is a run on peanut butter this weekend! 🙂
This is all so true! I learned very early in my marriage that my husband’s love language is surely touch, and sex was incredibly important to him in on so many levels. It’s not my love language, or that important to me- BUT I make it so, because it fuels our love and feeds his need. It is HIS way of feeling loved and being fulfilled and I absolutely love pleasing him… just as much as he loves pleasing me by leaving notes for me every day- when the poor guy is a man of few words. (Which makes it even more precious to me that he tries!)
I always say I have yet to turn down my guy, and yet to regret any time I said yes! It always brings us so intimately together and bonds us in a powerful way. Surely God placed this in the sacrament of marriage for such reasons!
How very beautiful, Chris. Sexual intimacy does feed the high drive spouse, and even though the low drive spouse may not realize it, feeds them, too. For some, like the younger me, this wisdom was elusive. Bless you for stopping by!
I love this, Bonny! The hurdle of “sex/no sex” has been a real one in our marriage, and every little step forward has done wonders for it. You have given me real insight to remember when things aren’t going my way, that God created sex for us and has brought my husband and I together specifically to love each other this way. Thank you!
It is a baby-step process when you are the low drive spouse. It is an amazing paradox that God created. Keep the pantry stocked! 🙂
Stopping over from Intentionally Pursuing! What a metaphor, I hear you! Thanks for tactfully addressing this subject : ) Blessings!
Thanks for stopping by, Bethany, and for your kind words!
We are marriage mentors at our church and if the need ever arises, I think we might use the PB&J analogy in some of our “counseling” sessions. Interesting take on sexual intimacy.
Strengthening marriages takes a village! Use away!
Bonny, what a creative link between peanut butter and sex. I definitely see sex as something that sticks us together emotionally.
When we have gaps in our sex life because life gets busy and we’re not making that connection a priority, I notice more tension and less connection in my marriage. I guess it’s time for a spoon of peanut butter. : )
Thank you, Bonny, for sharing your heart at #IntentionalTuesday on Intentionally Pursuing. : )
Thank you, Crystal! Yep, just a spoon full of peanut better! 😉
Great analogy, Bonny. Your posts are always honest and encouragement for the marriage. Peanut butter. Who knew?! Visiting via #IntentionalTuesday.
Thanks, Kristi! I bet you’ll never think about PB&J in the exact same way, again. 😉
Enjoyed reading this post, Bonny. Very insightful for me. Thanks for allowing God to use you to encourage us!