I received my formal education during a time when it was thought there were no radical biological/psychological differences between male and female.  Males and females took on certain traditional roles because that is what was taught.

I embraced this theory because it made me oh-so-mad when my mom would control my behavior by saying, ‘If you were a boy, I wouldn’t mind letting you do this or that, but because you’re a girl, you can’t.’  It seemed grossly unfair that just because I didn’t have a penis I couldn’t go places or do things with my friends.  I was just as smart and competent as any ol’ boy.

(Now, looking back I understand her reasoning.  I was sweet girl who had matured early into a shapely woman.   At 12, I looked 18.  She was protecting my innocence, but what I heard was that as a female I was less valuable.)

And so, I marched into marriage with this gender view.  He and I were pretty much the same.  I assumed that life together would be intuitive.  In that assumption, I was mostly dead wrong.

My definition of a best friend is someone to talk to infinity and beyond and be understood.  All my ‘feels’ would be felt.  A best friend shares in my concern for just the right facial cleanser that doesn’t leave me too greasy or dry.  A bff gets that I have a really hard time judging distance by just looking and understands subtle hints.

Now, I know y’all are different from me.  However, even if you are different from what I’ve described, when you think about your husband, he probably doesn’t share all of the same interests or strengths as you.

Here was the big ‘aha’ for me; I did not marry my best friend.  I married my counterpart.  I was his equal, but opposite (ezer knegdo).

Generally, male has a certain set of characteristics and female has another.  However, some males fall closer to the female spectrum and vice versa.  I believe, that wherever we fall on that spectrum, we marry someone who is opposite to us to some degree.  I think God leads us to finding someone who fills our empty parts with their strengths.

My marriage’s emotional intimacy deepened when we each embraced that our differences were God driven, not from any kind of unwillingness to cooperate.

By accepting our differences, it was easier to understand why communication sometimes felt like we were bashing each other with a sledge hammer.  #sledgehammershurt.  This changed view allowed us to alter expectations of each other, not lower them.

Just because your spouse feels love in a different way than you doesn’t mean it’s not important.  And just because you accept the differences, doesn’t mean you both aren’t called to still work toward becoming more like Christ (1 John 2:6).

My husband and I started to grasp that we would never be identical in need and nature and that’s OK.  It’s actually a good thing.  Between the two of us, we make a whole person.  Hhhhmmmm, might have something to do with that one flesh mystery.

So, if our differences are true and not some form of stubbornness, maybe your spouse’s opposing view of sex is valid.  I love how God helped me learn to appreciate something I didn’t totally understand.

How could your spouse’s differing view of sex be filling your gaps?

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