This is the last installment of Bonny’s, ‘chicken’s guide to talking turkery about sex with your husband.’* See, “I Love Starting the Sex Conversation,” and, “I Love Compassionate Blunt Sex Talk.”
“How often?” Is likely to be your high drive spouse’s biggest question.
Frankly, this question scared me to death. His answer was an eager, ‘Every day,’ and that put up my defenses because I felt extremely pressured.
What made me feel better was this wasn’t a one sided conversation. I had input, too. I honored his feelings and did not dismiss how important he saw sex. However, I also told him that my body needs recovery time. My answer was once every other week.
We compromised with 2-3 times per week.
Remember, there is no winner and no loser in this sex discussion. He is not winning because you are ‘giving in’ to have more sex. He is not losing because you won’t have as much sex as he’d like. This is a win-win for your marriage. This is about outdoing each other in honor.
“Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor,” Romans 12:10.
This conversation’s focus is building a path back to harmony not only through lovemaking, but through what you need to build emotional intimacy. (Do you know what you need to build an emotional connection?) Your part is to participate in lovemaking. His part is to participate in developing an emotional connection with you.
How do you make sure each of these happen? Schedule them! Seriously, who can leave this important work to spontaneity?
Building a godly happy marriage is a lot like learning to play golf or the violin. I thought getting along was going to be intuitive. But, after the newlywed bliss wore away, it wasn’t. It takes hours of practice to hone ability into skills. Sometimes your schedule is flexible and you can pop in a practice. But, more often you have to block out a chunk of time because if you don’t, it’ll never happen.
I hear a lot of pushback about scheduling. It’s not romantic and you don’t want his participation if he is going to begrudge it. I thought that, too, at first. Until I witnessed emotions following actions.
Practical Tools:
Bonding time
I needed two things from Dave; praise and conversation where he shared what was going on with his emotional life. We scheduled these into our life.
Dave scheduled an alarm on his phone every day at 5:30 to remind him to give me positive words. I’ll be honest, at first this was stilted and weird. But, he kept at it and now it is second nature. If I am feeling neglected from his lack of praise, I ask him if he still has his alarm set. I do not mind if he needs an alarm because I have grown to understand men are different from women. Just because he needs an alarm doesn’t mean he isn’t serious about meeting my needs.
Before this work on our marriage, I would have just been hurt that he neglected positive words. Now, I hold him accountable. I’m not nasty, just compassionate and blunt. “Hey, I am needing some praise from you. Can you slip me a good word or two?”
To meet my second need of sincere conversation, we spend 15 minutes having a private conversation in the morning over coffee. When we had kids living at home, we got up before them to do this. We sacrificed sleep because it was that important to both of us. I look at it as a little tithe to God.
Our story is just a jumping off point for your story. Figure out your needs and figure out how to fill them.
Sex scheduling saved our marriage
Make sexual intimacy intentional, schedule it!! Yes, this also felt weird and stilted, but I’m telling you it saved our marriage. It also tells your high drive spouse that you are serious about meeting his needs, just as he should be serious about meeting yours.
Literally, sit down with your wall calendar and mark sex in with a heart! You commit out loud to following through on this scheduling. As he should for meeting your needs of bonding. “I commit to doing this.”
On the appointed days, your high sex-drive spouse will know sexual fulfillment is definitely happening with you. Sexual interludes should only be rescheduled, never out and out ignored. And they should only be rescheduled for significant illness or an appointment that can’t be helped.
As you get farther down the road on this journey, you may find that you add a sexual interlude here and there.
High drive spouses hound the low-drive spouses about sex because hd never knows when an innuendo will lead to a sexual event. The ld spouse gets very annoyed with the constant pestering. Scheduling your bonding times and your sexual intimacy guarantees each spouse is feeling heard and they are being valued.
Days just for affection
Also, you can schedule days that are just for affection. Affection is touching that will not lead to sex. Many low sex marriages are lacking in touch because the ld spouse is worried any touch will lead the hd to think there will be sex. If Tuesdays and Saturdays are scheduled for sex, make Wednesday your affection day. It can include anything you want. But the hd spouse knows it will not lead to sex and to not try to push the envelope.
15 years down the road
After employing these tools for 15 years, there’s very little stilt and weird. Arguments and hurt feelings are rare but still occur because we’re human. However, the arguments and hurt feelings are usually not over sex. And, we know that all conflict can be resolved through prayer and compassionate action.
The win-win in all of this is that his need for sexual intimacy has brought me more growth than I ever anticipated. My need for emotional bonding has done the same for him. He needed to explore his emotional life and I needed to explore the spiritual, physical and emotional essence of sexual intimacy. Our weaknesses were filled by Christ’s power.
“But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.” 2 Corinthians 12:9.
*I confess I did not come up with this catchy title. Please see Dr. Kevin Leman’s, “Chicken’s Guide to Talking Turkey to Your Kids about Sex.”
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A few years after we were married and when honeymoon sex wore off we fell into the trap of her not really understanding that I needed to make love more often.Then we set down and talked about it and worked it out that we schedule our love making time. I know it sounds weird but wife and I have done this scheduling for years and it has worked out great. It is not that we don’t sometime have sex in between those scheduled times but at least we know it is going to happen and our marriage is the better because of it.
It is a wonderful tool if couples can work toward letting go of the notion spontaneity is better. They are equal.
My wife and I are trying a version of this. My wife is more than willing to meet my physical needs, but struggles with “getting into it” as it were. What we decided to try is the proverbial marking the calendar, but with the caveat, that she bear the responsibility of making sure it happens. I suggested this to give her the freedom and time necessary to do whatever is necessary to be fully there when we are intimate.
I was struck by your husband’s reply to you asking about frequency. I think it’s a pretty normal response coming from a guy who has been without that connection. That said I don’t think it’s the actual number. Sounds like the opening to an agreeable compromise, much like your own response.
Like your husband, I struggle with an addiction to porn. I thought going into this, that the scheduling would help, now I’m not so sure. My wife knows about it, and really understands that it has nothing to do with her. I had this problem long before I met her, starting around the age of 11 or 12, I don’t exactly recall. My point in saying this, is that if wives are attempting to work on intimacy and this is still going on DO NOT take it to mean this isn’t working to bring you closer to your husband’s heart. Almost any Christian man, is deeply ashamed of this type of addiction. He may justify it verbally by your lack of affection, but in his heart he knows that this is HIS problem. In my case, anymore, when I slip up, it causes me to shy away from sex, not because I don’t want it, but because I don’t think I deserve it.
Your husband may in his heart feel the same way, regardless of what he may say. If you have a heart for being a help for your husband in this area, don’t mistake his slips for being an indication for how well this is working. It may not make his struggle any better, but it won’t make it any worse either. And it WILL bring you closer to your husband’s heart.
Ted, thank you for sharing your struggle and insight. This was a very telling section and I think it’s important for wives to hear, “My point in saying this, is that if wives are attempting to work on intimacy and this is still going on DO NOT take it to mean this isn’t working to bring you closer to your husband’s heart. Almost any Christian man, is deeply ashamed of this type of addiction. He may justify it verbally by your lack of affection, but in his heart he knows that this is HIS problem. In my case, anymore, when I slip up, it causes me to shy away from sex, not because I don’t want it, but because I don’t think I deserve it.”
Have you read Surfing for God? It was pivotal for Dave and I.
If my comment is helpful to anyone for that I am thankful. Thank you for your book recommendation, I have not read it, but picked it up on Amazon last night to read.
Scheduling has helped more than I thought it would , since my last comment. Because of my own struggle , it allows me to let the entire subject of sexual intimacy go in my mind, and focus on my relationship with God. I discovered that our marriage and sexual intimacy are actually triggers that lead me down roads I don’t want to go. My wife has been wonderful in this time in making sure we connect sexually, and letting me know she desires me.
I would like to state that emotional connection outside the bedroom has not been an issue, for some time in our marriage. Sex has been the single remaining challenge for both of us. Her in lack of desire, and me because of my addiction. Thank you for your book recommendation, I’m still trying to understand how to apply it to myself personally, but it has helped greatly in giving me an understanding of myself.
Ted, I’m glad to hear scheduling has been beneficial, putting things on the right path toward understanding and healing. (FYI – Douglas Weiss, Harry Schaumberg and Patrick Carnes are also psychologists that write about your struggle.)
Hi Bonny!
First I’d like to thank you for being kind and welcoming. As you know, I’m a higher drive wife, so I don’t really “belong” here, but I appreciate what I can glean from your blog.
I must admit I was shocked when reading your comment policy and mission. You mentioned that low libido wives are hurting. I never thought that. I have always been incredibly jealous of low-libido, or to me “normal” wives. I’ve always believed these women were very normal, very beautiful (which they are), lovely, irresistible, and incredibly blessed to be desired by their husbands. I always wondered what it would be like to feel beautiful, to have the man you love pursue you sexually, to desire you and to feel such strong attraction to you. Oh how I’ve longed to be a low-libido wife. To feel, normal, beautiful, and attractive to my husband. As a higher drive wife I’ve often felt broken, repulsive, and lonely.
In my husbands defense, he works very long hours and is introverted by nature. He does tell me he thinks I’m beautiful, and he says he loves me. We are intimate, but not nearly as often as I’d like. Anyhow, most blogs are geared towards low libido wives, most women in everyday life lament about their husbands always pursuing them. I have always felt like an oddball, and that there must be something dreadfully wrong with me. I’ve always considered low libido wives blessed beyond belief. I assumed you all were laughing at higher drive wives who seemingly couldn’t even attract their own husbands. I had a lot of hard feelings and I’m sorry.
BUT, this comment is supposed to be about scheduling sex, not my life story! 🙂 I read about this in the past, and I thought it was a good idea. I loved the idea of not having to wonder “will he want me today? Is it worth looking forward to, or should I force myself to turn my feelings off? Not today? Maybe tomorrow? The next day? Will I ever be good enough? Will this outfit help? How about this hair color? Today? Nope. Maybe tonight? No, he’s asleep again. Three months of Power 90? Will that help? not so much. Maybe tomorrow?” The waiting and wondering and trying can be excruciating. So scheduling sounded amazing to me. But when I suggested it to my husband, he did NOT like the idea. In fact, he was very offended. I figured it was because he didn’t want to be held to anything. Or he didn’t want to feel pressured to have to be with me. When we are intimate, it’s very nice. We both really enjoy it when it happens. So it’s not like he hates it. But he does not like the scheduling idea. It’s hard for me to reconcile all of this with his telling me he loves me and telling me he thinks I’m beautiful. It doesn’t make a lot of sense. And so, I am still left wondering if I’ll be good enough today…tomorrow…someday.
Hi B, my mother-in-law used to say, ‘normal is relative.’ None of us are normal. 🙂
Everyone you pass on the street is hurting. a low-drive wife and a high-drive wife are both hurting and for similar reasons, really. There is a sexual disconnect in their marriage. Healing happens when sexual frequency is where the high-drive spouse feels needs are being met and low-drive spouse feels they are being stretched just a bit. It’s a healing compromise.
Offended, huh? It is a tough thing to be held accountable. And that’s what sex-scheduling does. It holds the lower drive spouse accountable to meeting the needs of the hd spouse. Your needs are valid, B. In our personal journey, we started off with 2 times per week on the calendar. That was a stretch for me then, but it was still doable.
Next item, YOU ARE enough. Has he had his testosterone checked? Pray for God to reveal the root of this issue. Another suggestion, have you ever read Love & Respect by Eggerichs?