Even though I’m a vanilla sex kinda girl, I am occasionally up for some variety. But, that’s not the kind of positioning I’m talking about here.
I love when the light bulb goes off and you become aware of another way to approach your marriage bed conflict. You use the self-control and wisdom of the Holy Spirit to react in a different way the next time the same old tug of war about sex shows up.
So, no matter if you are the high drive or the low drive, you need to think about the sexual conflict. What bothers you the most?
Usually, it’s the refusal for the hd which makes them feel unloved. Or it’s the constant pestering for the ld which makes them feel like a sex object, unloved.
I want to suggest that you look to the needs of the other, while managing to help them understand your position.
Think about your spouse in terms of what really motivates them. Are you the hd spouse, who’s all into skin to skin contact, trying to convince the ld spouse, who finds organization very important and is exhausted from a full day, into making love by rubbing them seductively with your breasts or erection? How’s that workin’? Are you the ld spouse, who would just love a long philosophical conversation with plenty of colorful emotional overtones, but all the mate wants to do is mate?
I love when couples come to the understanding of their spouse. They take on a new position in their thinking.
Jesus shows us how to take on a new attitude.
“Though he was God,
he did not think of equality with God
as something to cling to.
Instead, he gave up his divine privileges;
he took the humble position of a slave
and was born as a human being.
When he appeared in human form,” Philippians 2:5-7.
Here’s how you might try doing this: Think of a recent time when you were both getting along fabulously. What was going on between the two of you? Were you sharing feelings with no judgement? Could he tell you something without you trying to critique him? Were you glancing at each other through eyes of love? Were you able to be affectionate without the expectation of immediate sexual fulfillment?
Here’s a personal example. I feel most connected to my husband when he is transparent with his emotions and gives me plenty of affirming with words. He phrases his praise through words I’ll hear.
His instinct is to tell me how much he wants to be physical with me. But, in learning to reposition, he tells me how he values me apart from the lovemaking. He tells me about his frustrations in everyday life. He also tells me, with no persuasion, how much lovemaking helps him feel loved. (The last one is him reframing his position in a way I can hear it.)
If hubby and I have been relating well and it happens that one day his frustrations include talking about our lack of making love, I can frame it within the overall emotional connectedness I feel with him and feel no pressure, just understanding that we need to meet in the marriage bed because I want to reframe my position to help him feel loved in the way that speaks loudest to him.
Without hearing from his heart daily, I can revert and feel he’s only having sex with me because I’m his wife and he feels bound that he can’t have sex anywhere else.
Here’s the other kicker, I have to BELIEVE HIM WHEN HE SAYS THESE WORDS. If he tells me I’m beautiful, I believe him. If he tells me that he feels most loved when being sexually intimate, I believe him.
Some husbands are saying these things and meaning them with their whole heart and yet the wife has this inner monologue going on that is fueled from self-doubt, “He doesn’t really mean that, he just wants to get in my pants.”
Ladies, believe him!!! He’ll quit saying it if you keep calling him a liar. Would you keep telling someone good and truthful things only to have it thrown back into your face as BS? You don’t have to understand it to believe he is being truthful.
It basically boils down to figuring out how to reconnect the good things and reduce the bad reactions (anger, snarkiness, pouting, etc.). Be smart. Figure out your spouse. And work within the framework of their position.
And who knows you may find you enjoy the reverse cowgirl and a really deep theological discussion.
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Oh, Bonny. I just loved that last line!
It took me far too many years to appreciate my husband’s desires for me without that inner voice muddling it up.
Thank you for writing this post. (Still smiling over that word picture)!
Thanks, Gleniece! 🙂
Did you ever watch the movie, “The Enchanted Cottage?” Two unattractive people fall in love and become attractive to each other. Love not only covers a multitude of sins (I Cor. 13), it covers a multitude of flaws. Not only do most husbands find their wives attractive because they are the opposite gender, their love makes them consider “flaws” of no consequence. To a man a woman’s body is a many-splendored thing. I don’t believe that a woman can grasp how wonderful her sexual organs are to her husband. One does not have to understand something to utilize it. Don’t reject his statements of finding you tantalizing, believe it!.
Charlie, Thank you for the encouragement to believe our husbands when they tell us we are beautiful. I am a movie lover and appreciate your suggestion of “The Enchanted Cottage.”