Don’t do it in the dark.
Men bond with what they see while climaxing.
In Christian and Sexy, we briefly hit upon the fact that male brains release feel good chemicals when they see a female form. Let’s take this a step further and contemplate what is happening in the male brain when he views his wife while making love.
According to Dr. Douglas Weiss, in his book, Sex, God and Men, pg. 15, “Whatever his eyes focus on when he sexually releases – a person, image or object – will become etched in his brain as a photographic attachment toward that person, image or object. I call it Sex Glue. ”
This is probably why pornography is a gazillion dollar industry. Men view and quite possibly release while viewing sexually stimulating material. Unwittingly, they are training their brains with a reward response for viewing pornography. When what should be happening is that they train their brains to reward release only with their wives.
Could this be a factor for the low-libido husband? He’s got a very willing wife down the hall in the bedroom, but it’s too hard to deal with a real person. Not only that, but if a male is consistently viewing pornography and releasing, this becomes the most satisfying way to be sexual because of how he’s trained his brain.
The good news is the brain can be rehabilitated.
The husband absolutely has to take responsibility for the negative effects of his porn viewing. But, the wife can help him retrain his brain by allowing there to be illumination during lovemaking.
Get a candle.
If this is a jarring thought to have sex with the lights on, start out slow with a nice little lavender votive candle. Then, work up to the big ol’ Yankee Candle full-size jars. Then, leave the bathroom light on with the door ajar. Before you know it, you’ll be doing it with the curtains open in broad daylight, daring the neighbors to peek.
It is not just for his benefit. It is spiritual to look into the eyes of your husband and lover. It’s the ultimate emotional connection. It helps you bond with your mister.
Do I hear you say, “But, I don’t like how my body looks in the light?” Take heart, my lovely friends. Hear what else Dr. Doug Weiss has to say.
On pg. 113, of Sex, God and Men, it states “Most women don’t understand that a man attaches to his wife by looking at her. If she understood this, she would know that her physical appearance doesn’t matter. Once you consistently attach to her person relationally, her body will become desirable regardless of its proportions.”
One last word of caution, if you live in the state of Virginia, you may want to keep this on the down-low. Apparently, it is illegal to have sex with the lights on and in any other position besides missionary. I’d like to see the face of the cop that writes that ticket!
And God said, “Let there be light,” Genesis 1:3.
“Dear Heavenly Father, I pray for the marriage of this reader to be full of emotional, physical and spiritual connection. Lord, may this marriage mentor your character of love, unity, tenderness and strength to all the children who witness it. I pray joy and laughter in the marriage of this lovely reader. And I pray tenacity and persistence. Bless this marriage to uphold your design. In Jesus’ name, Amen.”
I highly recommend the book Sex, God and Men. It goes a long way in explaining the brain biology of men and their sexual nature, including help with sex addiction.
Other porn related posts:
Waging War
My Response: Married Men Your Porn Habit is an Adultery Habit
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All caps AMEN!! Try as she might, my beloved can’t convince me that her body isn’t the most amazing and beautiful creation ever!
Big congrats on the anniversary too! A huge milestone.
Blessings!
Great for you to stop by RMRM! Keep tellin’ her how beautiful she is (esp. when you are outside of the bedroom)….and have her read Christian and Sexy. 🙂
Love this post!
We have cell phones charging on the nightstands on each side of the bed. One night the charge completed and the light came on just at a particularly erotic moment. I realized that with the right “soft” lighting, I was comfortable with how we both looked, and it added a new energy to our lovemaking. It has progressed to “broad daylight” (but not with the curtains open) :)–Now, on a stormy, lightening-flashing night, the curtains are open 🙂 Very hot! We have been married almost 24 years and only in the past 5 or so have I been enthusiastic about love making in lighted conditions.
Great comment! I love that light added new energy to your sessions! Lightning storms are especially sensual… 24 years is awesome!! I pray that your marriage is mentoring many.
My wife and I are in a constant struggle over how she looks. She IS beautiful and athletic (she hikes up mountains, for crying out loud!), but she still thinks she needs surgery to get rid of her “problem areas” before she can feel sexy. Unfortunately this causes problems in our sex life. Praying that the Lord will open her eyes to how beautiful she really is, and that she doesnt need ANYTHING done!
We ladies are just so inundated with the ‘perfect’ form in all the media. Airbrush artist do amazing work, but are to the detriment of the normal lady’s self-esteem. I will pray that God will unveil her eyes and open her heart and ears to know that she truly is beautiful. Keep tellin’ her. Like I told RMRM, the more you tell her she gorgeous when you are outside of the bedroom, the better.
A wonderful post, Pearl! I had always heard the “men are visual” thing but didn’t really realize how much he liked looking at MY (overweight, post-3 kids) body!
Hi Em! He will thank you for realizing this. 🙂 You are gorgeous!
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Never did like VA anyway. Lol
LOL, indeed!! I nearly snorted my coffee!
Late to the party again, darn. This is so true and I am so tired of reading about it. I want it to be over with for all of us husbands. Some insensitve louts may deserve to be denied by their wives for rude or inconsiderate comments or looks. The rest of us just want to gaze upon your naked perfection as is our husbandly right. If you are perfectly naked, you are naked perfection. And yes, I did say husbandly right. Where else would you have us look at a woman’s naked body? Because we are going to look. We want to cast a pleasured eye upon those pieces-parts and lady bits that we do not have. If we are denied looking at the object of our sexual desire we commited our lives to, where are we to look. We want to look. We will look. We would like to look at you.
I have man boobs, a gut, saggy eyelids and a less than optimal erection that is nowhere near 8 inches. So what’s your problem. Other than the doofus, clueless husband of TV sitcoms, sexually desirable males in the media are no less “perfect” than media women. The problem is, we want sex with you bad enough to not let body image stop us. Yeah, we will still do it in the dark, but you are cheating us and making the experience less than it could be for you too. When you opt for darkness, you are telling yourself, “If he saw my body in full light, he would be disappointed and not find me as desirable as someone else with a better body.” If you believe this lie about your lover, how can you believe you are having the best sexual experience possible with them. I’m all for soft mood lighting (read that near darkness), but as a choice for the moment, not the only option available. There is a reason porn is not shot in dim to dark lighting as a rule. Even if you are not a fan of porn, there are lessons to be learned there. If men were sexually interested in women in bib overalls eating cake in dim light, that’s what porn would be. You may think your man has no business looking at porn, but if he can’t look at you where is he going to look. At someone else perhaps? Porn will become the least of your worries at that point. The point is not better porn than an affair or strip club, the point is he wants to look at you and how are you going to make this possible? He doesn’t see all those “flaws” you focus on. He just see a bundle of sexy goodness that is his wife. Honest.
Thanks for your power-packed comment! Here is what I’m hearing you say:
1. Men feel just as flawed as the ladies in regards to body image. However, sexual fulfillment being such a driven need, men are able to work around their own self consciousness.
(I am in total agreement that the has media warped our concept of ourselves, sexually and physically and a myriad of other things.)
2. Porn is the lesser of all the evils. Porn reaches the innermost pleasure centers of a man. One can learn about the essence of what pleases sexually through what the porn industry already knows.
(While I understand what you are saying in theory, I have to respectfully counter that I believe porn is the crux to the downfall of our society. Men aren’t the only ones vulnerable to porn. I will never justify porn. Frankly, I hate what porn does to sabotage godly marital intimacy. However, I don’t think you are refuting the sinfulness of porn, but I wanted to make my position clear.)
3. It’s a husband’s right to gaze.
(It’s a husband AND a wife’s right to gaze. “Do not deny yourselves to each other…,” 1 Corinthians 7:4. I’m learning more and more that low libido is not just a female issue. There are many wives out there who are also feeling denied. It’s biblical for marriage partners to strive to be equally satisfied.)
4. Late to the party again? Why not subscribe to the OysterBed by email? 🙂
Thanks, again, Anonymous, for reading and for your thoughts!
I was not meaning to plead a case for porn or lessen it’s social impact. Just meant it may be the lesser of two evils when compared to dealing with a full blown affair with a live person in your married life. Also not saying porn is the best teacher for appealing to your husbands intimate desires, just pointing out the fact that like a sitcom or even the evening news, it knows and delivers what has the broadest appeal possible. Americans like burgers and fries, a lot of places sell them and don’t deviate from the basic formula. Porn knows the things most men like, and that’s what it sells. Not all men, all things; but most men, most things. Acknowleding its very accurate marketing and awareness of the majority of men’s preferences doesn’t mean one approves of it’s existence or methodology. But, it is successful for any number of reasons and knowing what its audience wants to see is its strong suit. By virtue of that alone, it has “instructive” value, though it may not be a desirable place to seek out that information. Position duly noted.
Thank you for pointing out the wife’s right to gaze. I tend not to acknowledge that because all I read tells me women are not anywhere near as visually oriented as men are. Perhaps the difference lies in the fact that men tend to look at the “primary” sexual parts which gives instant reward, while women are more eclectic in their viewing and not so instantaneously enamored. I find women’s parts adorable and lovable. Women when gazing on the male primary sexual part, not so much I read. If I am misinformed, please feel free to enlighten me. Not meaning to offend. About as delicate as I can word the thoughts.
Thank you for your porn clarification and delicacy…..You are right, women are not as visually oriented as men, esp. to the primary part. However, Michelangelo’s David is a sight to admire for the entire work. I believe women view their men in entirety and admire. If we are privy to the inner workings of said man (i.e. he takes the time to converse and share emotions), we especially enjoy the entire work. It probably can’t be a blanket statement, because everyone is so unique.
I wish that was true of all men. And i wish my husband would say that to me. No, I was comfortable. I would do most anything with him anytime; in light, on video, in a mirror, whatever. I felt like as long as it was us and we both were into it, it was good. I was overweight and had bigger boobs. He was in to porn and other women. I have lost weight, and unfortunately, i have lost boobs and even more of his interest. If only i had ever been enough or could be. he says i am beautiful but he still needs the websites, the screw a local woman tonight sites and flirting with other women and even having sex with one other woman (that i know of, sure its more). He says he desires me but when i change in front of him (trying to be sexy), i am invisible. like i said, i wish that all men thought like you do, but they don’t and it’s sad.
Anonymous,
Reading your comment was not only heartbreaking, it made me want to find your inconsiderate husband, and have a man to man chat with him.
No platitudes are going to take away the hurt that he’s caused you, so please know that I am not in any way discounting the anguish you’ve experienced. I just want to offer you my opinion, as a married man of 24 years.
Your beauty, and desirability, are not dependant on the responses, or lack thereof, from a man that is living a sinful, prideful, ungodly life. He’s not worthy of having that power, and his actions say a lot about his own insecurities and shortcomings. Men like him find their self worth in what the world, i.e Satan, has brainwashed them into believing. He needs the attention, and feeling of being desirable to the women he seeks out, to make himself feel like what he thinks a “real” man is. Sadly for him, he’s bought into the lie that “real” men don’t adore their wives, and love them as Christ loves the church. I bought this lie myself for more years than I like to admit, and I was just as blind and ignorant as he is. By the grace of God, that is no longer the case, and I’ve never felt more like a man than I do loving my wife unabashedly, and right out loud. But, my wife was just as gorgeous, and precious back then, as she is now. The fact that I was a prideful, needy, selfish man, had no bearing on the fact that she was “beautifully and wonderfully made.”
God declared that, and I certainly did not have the power to change that. And neither does your husband, and I use that term loosely, because he doesn’t deserve to hold such an esteemed title. He hasn’t earned that right.
The fact that he is being deceived is out of your control, but the ability to hurt you in his ignorance, is within your control. You have heard the old saying, “consider the source” right? Well, consider the source! If he was a “man’s man” and lived his life attempting to mirror the love of our Savior, you would not be feeling the way you are. So the inadequate one in this equation is not you my dear, it is your confidence lacking, non self respecting, inconsiderate spouse who is the sad, pitiful character in this circumstance. He doesn’t deserve the privilege and honor of partaking of your loveliness, and unless he agrees to change his ways, and seek wise counsel to guide him back to the path of true, biblical love for his spouse, I suggest that you stand on what you know to be the truth, and love yourself enough to not be a part of his self seeking, disrespectful, dishonorable, sinful existence. You owe him nothing in my opinion, as he has not earned the right to enjoy the awesome gift that is your lovely, female sensuality. In the sick frame of mind in which he has decided to remain entrapped, he thinks he can have it all, and you have the right, and the power to not be part of his warped, empty existence.
I pray that God will wake him up, but until that time, remember that this sickness is on him, and you are the same beautiful daughter of God that you have always been. He is where your worth lies, and there is no better standard by which to be measured.
God bless you, and I will be praying for you.
I posted in another post earlier, and this is more of the same. I love how men are ignored in this….like we have no “body image” and it doesn’t matter to us whether our wife has any desire to see us naked or not. And apparently she gets nothing from watching us while the two of us are making love. It’s like good looks are only reserved for the female sex. I don’t mean to sound frustrated at this post but all I can say is a sad and bitter, “whatever.”
Sir, you are frustrated with my blog because my targeted audience is women with no sex drive. That’s the place I write from because that’s what I understand. Just as women with high sex drives will find my blog frustrating, you are finding my blog frustrating. There is probably another blog out there better suited for your personal needs. It’s not that I don’t value your readership, I am just not the right fit for you. I take the needs of my husband seriously, as I hope that all wives take the needs of their husbands seriously. However, I am not a blog for husbands, I am a blog for wives.
I would suggest you try http://www.the-generous-husband.com/ or the forums at http://site.themarriagebed.com/front-page.
I love that light added new energy to your sessions!
What a load of New Age crap.
Turn on the lights and stare into each others eyes while you climax. Nothing hotter.
Linked here.
Great info. As a man, I have a hard time believing my wife finds me desirable. First off, she uses her own style of “love language” which is hugs, kisses, and saying “I love you”. Well, I can get that at any family reunion but I don’t think I want to be bedding dear Aunt Ginny anytime soon. 🙂
In her defense, I haven’t always been the attentive husband. I’ve been into porn, mostly when Heather’s low libido has shut me out for several days and I need a release. However, a big part of her low libido was me trying to help her be a better lover. I have constantly introduced new positions, lingerie, techniques, etc. into our love making. I didn’t realize that I was feeding into her “I’m not enough” insecurities.
Another thing about Heather; she was a very sheltered virgin when we married. We wrote a post about our wedding night. We wrote the story together and she speaks of her fears of sex and how she didn’t even have a clue how to go about it.
With that in mind, she had a very hard time with being “sexy”. To her, sexy was what I was looking at in porno mags. When I brought home lingerie, she thought I was trying to make her into a vamp. She resented it. Again, I wasn’t as attentive to her as I should have been. I was raised in a very loveless home. Hugs, kisses, and “I love you” was not a part of my life and I still struggle with affection to this day.
We both have body image issues which brings me to my point … sorry to be so wordy but I wanted to set the stage. Heather and I were reading about another couple going through sexual issues. The wife had put on some pounds having 3 kids. She didn’t feel sexy and had a very hard time showing interest in sex. Her thinking was, “How can this body turn a man on?” He was doing all he could to help her feel sexy, including buying her lingerie and such.
She became so distant, that sex was rare if ever. At some point, her husband, in his frustration, sat her down and asked her three questions: 1) Am I not desirable anymore? 2) Am I a bad lover? and #3 is the HUGE one, “Is there someone else?”
Think about those questions ladies. Especially #3. Ponder that question and let it sink in. If you’re not thinking it yet, let me help you:
IF YOU’RE SO UNDESIRABLE AND UGLY, WHY AM I WORRIED THAT THERE MAY BE ANOTHER MAN?
Ladies, we, your husbands love your body. As Bonny pointed out in the article, our man brains become programmed to enjoy what we see a lot of. Take your Big Girl Panties Off. We, your Husbands, Love your Body in which I let you ladies know how we love your body no matter the shape or size.
I warn you in advance. The stories I write on my webpage are sexual stories. The “Panties” story is marked with an [ L ] meaning it has sexual language that may not be used by some. The wedding story is pretty clean and mild but still gets into our sexual activities of our wedding night. I have no intention of offending. We created the site to help Christians know and understand how God wants our sex lives to be fulfilled.
Thanks again for the insightful article. I hope my writings can inspire both husbands and wives to be the AWESOME sexual beings God intend you to be. I have a saying that goes like this: “God made our bodies sexual amusement parks. When we marry, we receive tickets to ALL the rides. RIDE THE RIDES!!”