Joyfully, you said, “I do.” There were no secrets kept. Emotional baggage was unpacked well before the wedding night. This is the first marriage for both of you.
However, one spouse has a whole lot more in the trunk (and I’m not talking about ‘junk’). Either Mr. or Mrs. brings far greater pre-marital sexual experience into the marriage.Your spouse has confessed about their past. Your spouse has asked forgiveness of the Lord and you.
You have forgiven as the Lord has forgiven. You academically know that your spouse is fully redeemed by God’s grace. Your head says you need to hold no judgement. Your heart has a hard time following through.
As the marriage grows older, something creeps in. You’ve done some calculating (this hypothetical wife is very good at math) and you realize something. It will take a rigorous schedule of bedroom action for your spouse’s experiences with you to equal the number of experiences he had with others.
Others > You.
It’s not a happy equation. Discouragement creeps in. Your desire for sexual intimacy with your husband starts to wane.
Then, your thoughts start to wonder. Were those other people more exciting? Are memories of former lovers in my spouse’s mind when we make love? Insecurity creeps in.
These thoughts lead you to fear of inadequacy and fear of what’s going on inside your spouse’s head.
Before we go on, I want to humbly admit that I was not a pristine bride. I was the one who brought previous sexual experiences into marriage. I know a lot about Satan’s lie that pre-marital sex can be fulfilling and isn’t hurtful.
Because I have these sad credentials, here are a few things to consider in trying to heal from this raw place.
Greater experience does not equal greater understanding.
Experiencing a lot of sex prior to marriage isn’t the same as understanding love making to your spouse with heart and soul and spirit. Covenant love making is on a whole different wavelength. The experience before marriage is like being able to see only in murky black, grey and white. The experience after marriage is like being able to see in bright, vivid, full-spectrum, High Definition. As man and wife, love making is way more than experiencing physical pleasure. Orgasms feel nice, but they aren’t the epitome or the foundation of your marriage bed. Love is.
Love in its many forms, not just erotic/physical love, is the foundation of your marriage and sexual intimacy. This is full-spectrum love.
Sometimes we love through our actions even when we don’t feel good about our spouse. He forgot your anniversary, but you still pick up his suits from the cleaners. Sometimes we love because we get on well with our spouse, we genuinely like them.
God is love. 1 John 4 says so
2 John 1:6 says, “…and this is love; that we walk in obedience to His commands…” (NIV).
The only way we can experience love in the most fulfilling and truest sense is to follow God’s commands. God being in the center of our sexual relationship is what produces the perspective change from murky to vivid and astonishing.
Greater amounts of sexual experience does not mean your spouse understood love in the fullest sense because he wasn’t married to those other girls. Understanding love making in the fullest sense only comes through the covenant bond of marriage.
Communicate and ask for reassurance.
It may be a very hard conversation for you to start because of your uncertain heart. However, to heal and move on from this unsettled place, allow yourself to become vulnerable, share your insecurities. When you feel the opportunity is right, let him know you have something to share from your heart.
Please consider this, so that you can have perspective: When you lovingly kiss your husband, are you remembering kisses from other boyfriends (assuming there were other boyfriends)? I doubt you are.
Every tender action, every proud or not-so-proud moment, and every ‘plot twist’ of our married life, buries pre-marital memories deeper and deeper. Non-sexual memories of our married life absolutely can bury sexual memories of the past.
When starting your conversation say something like, “I have something I need to talk about with you and I need you to react calmly.” Then say something like, “Even though I am your wife, I am feeling inadequate about my role as your lover. I am most worried that you compare me to your past girlfriends.”
Talk it out. Let him reassure you! Ask for reassurance when the fear resurfaces. Reassurance will be needed over and over again until the truth of it sinks deep into your heart. However, you must let the truth of it sink into your heart. You must accept what he says as truth. That’s your part of healing.
Make new memories with your spouse.
Create new sexual memories with your spouse that will overshadow those from his former life. Does he desire to fulfill a sexual escapade that’s he’s never experienced? Ask him and follow through.
Of course, it has to be something you are comfortable with. Maybe it will be making love in a new place (kitchen table, laundry room, bed&breakfast), or in a new position.
Pray
“Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus,” 1 Thess. 5:16.
Every time this comes to mind, pray about it.
Pray the Lord will expand your spiritual boundaries as man and wife.
Pray that you can help your husband find ways to show his love for you.
Pray that the Holy Spirit will fill you with the perfect love of Christ in which there isn’t any fear. (1 John 4:18)
Be thankful for the husband that God has provided for you.
Rejoice that the two of you have years and years to fully understand the covenant bond of sexual intimacy.
Want to Talk?
Even though we are not counselors, you can always email me (pearlmail3@gmail.com) or Chris at the forgiven wife (ForgivenWife@gmail.com), if you are working through things and want to talk.
Sharing with Sheila Gregoire’s Wifey Wednesday.
Sharing with Calm.Healthy.Sexy and company for the Let’s Get Real Party.
If this is your first time visiting OysterBed7, Welcome! Please stay awhile, peruse the archives and don’t forget to follow, facebook fanpage or twitter (@oysterbed7)
Sharing with Sheila Gregoire’s Wifey Wednesday.
Sharing with Calm.Healthy.Sexy and company for the Let’s Get Real Party.
If this is your first time visiting OysterBed7, Welcome! Please stay awhile, peruse the archives and don’t forget to follow, facebook fanpage or twitter (@oysterbed7)
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My husband had been married before our marriage and I was really concerned about being not as good as her. I agree with your advice! The 2 best things that helped me were a thoughtful friend who offered to discuss my concerns with her, and an awesome conversation with my fiance. I can still clearly remember him saying that he enjoyed my kisses more than he enjoyed sex with her and that he was looking forward to more after our marriage. Occasionally for the first year I would say something about his ex until I realized he wasn’t thinking about her at all, so why should I?
What a beautiful testimony. Being able to have those conversations with your friend and fiancé was so important. You are so right. Why worry about her? I am glad you were able to know he meant what he said. Thank you for sharing your story!
Bonny, this is such a lovely and helpful post. The only woman a man sees in the fullness of her glory as a wife iS his wife. No one else even comes close.
Thank you. I’m hoping we all can grasp how chosen and cherished a wife is.
Thanks so much, Bonny, for sharing this with the Let’s Get Real party. It is encouraging and practical.
Gaye, I am so glad for the opportunity to join you all! I hope people will hop on over and see the great posts that are linked at the Party!