The scent of Johnson’s Baby Shampoo will transport me back to my children’s baby days quicker than the theory of relativity. Remembering the joy and chaos of our family’s sprouting season fills my heart with a myriad of emotions. I was ecstatic, proud, grateful, uncertain, scared and exhausted. I relished the job of rearing our precious bundles of potential into adulthood.
“There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens,” Ecclesiastes 3:1.
As I’ve mentioned in other posts, the greatest challenge for me in this season was mentally meshing motherhood with wifehood. I had a hard time switching gears between mama and sex kitten. This wasn’t just an issue for the first six weeks of healing, or the first year. For me, this problem lasted a bit longer.
My unseasonably long dry spell, put a strain on our marriage.
Dr. Linda Papadopolous says, “The two aspects of womanhood, mother and sexual partner, are not mutually exclusive but we are made to feel they are. In reality, every woman has it in her to be both sexy and maternal. We should be able to be both.” (www.dailymail.co.uk)
Societal conditioning may be part of it, as Dr. Papdopolous suggests. The readjusting physical changes of pregnancy, breastfeeding and fatigue, also, have great influence on our sensual mindset.
49% of new mothers studied at the University ofAberdeen still had intercourse problems after the first 12 months. It’s not an uncommon issue.
49% of new mothers studied at the University ofAberdeen still had intercourse problems after the first 12 months. It’s not an uncommon issue.
Here are some thoughts I’ve had in the subsequent years:
Juggling the Duality
Breasts are both sensual for your husband and nourishing for your children. I didn’t feel very sexy when I was leaking during intimacy.
With three toddlers, sometimes I was over stimulated by the mere act of touching. Sweet little hugs around my legs, the unexpected slam of a head into my chin from underneath, holding a hot little body next to me for hours, the pats and pokes were all cause for me to withdraw. Who knew I had such a developed need for personal space?
A Meaningful Glance
Instead of brushing touch off altogether, if I had taken the time to make the glance, meaningful soft gazes would have been soul nourishing. His eyes would have touched my heart. Remember dating and you would catch his eye across the room? I still craved connection, just in a different way. If I’d connected at the soul level better, maybe I would have accepted his touch better.We Time
My husband was great in providing plenty of ‘me-time.’ He had no qualms in wrangling the three little he-urchins solo so that I could enjoy time out with girlfriends or crafting.
In looking back, what would have remedied much of these issues wasn’t ‘me-time,’ but ‘we-time.’
Time talking alone together, consistently, would have been the perfect gift. Not talking over the dinner table dodging spaghetti sauced hands and sloppy kisses. It’s hard to have intimacy on deeper levels when there isn’t much communicating aside from the fact checks.
The sensual side of you needs to be nurtured through interaction with your husband that does not involve little people. It doesn’t have to be an expensive date night either. Pop a movie in for the kids and get 15 minutes of talk time in the other room. Carve out 15 minutes during the day to chat on the phone.
The sensual side of you needs to be nurtured through interaction with your husband that does not involve little people. It doesn’t have to be an expensive date night either. Pop a movie in for the kids and get 15 minutes of talk time in the other room. Carve out 15 minutes during the day to chat on the phone.
Incorporate your other half.
Growing up in a home with very traditional roles for man and woman, I assumed the children were ‘my sphere’ and to that extent I unknowingly excluded my husband. I think today’s generation of young men are going to be great fathers. (Not that the last generation wasn’t great!) They understand fathering is more than a paycheck and military discipline, but nurturing through their unique male style and helping their honey. His willingness will help your fatigue and will help cement family team spirit as you work toward the common goal of washing, drying, and imparting Bible knowledge!
Lavish praise and prayer on one another.
You are both entering uncharted territory as new parents. Even if this isn’t the first child, every child brings with it a different personality and needs. With each additional child, the family takes on new dynamics. Sleep deprivation makes us cranky, keep this in mind and thwart the crankiness with niceness! Spiritually feed each other with words of praise and encouragement through the new experiences and joint words of prayer to the Father.
“The good man brings good things out of the good stored in his heart, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For out of the overflow of the heart his mouth speaks,” Luke 6:45.
Ambience and Hope
Your sensual nature is so much more than biological processes and physical stimulation, even though the physical is significant. For me it had a lot to do with the ambience of our relationship.
Not every new mom will deal with this kind of sexual disenchantment. But, if you do, the upside to new-mama-low-libido is that it’s usually temporary. Have HOPE, your sexy will return. AND with it, you will have new confidence. Your new role has given you many experiences that you have conquered; birth, possibly breastfeeding, maintaining your relationship with the Lord, continuing to function in spite of sleep deprivation, creating an inviting home, caring and nurturing your new mission field (your child!), all the new people you meet because of the children (doctors, teachers, coaches, other parents), making your husband proud.
Embracing the WHOLE
In the end, I realized learning to switch gears really wasn’t the answer. It was when my identity embraced both aspects of motherhood and sensual being, that I hit my stride.
Give yourself time to accept the new layers of your identity, but don’t let go of who you are.
Additional Thoughts
If you wish to explore common hormone imbalances that could affect libido check out “Common Female Hormone Conditions.”
Be aware that postpartum depression is very real and doesn’t mean you are faulty!!! If life seems out of control and you are in a panicked state, check out this postpartum guide from the MayoClinic.
Check out Marriage Missions International: Coping with Change after the First Baby is Born.
If this is your first time visiting OysterBed7, Welcome! Please stay awhile, peruse the archives and don’t forget to follow me via facebook fanpage or twitter (@oysterbed7)
If this is your first time visiting OysterBed7, Welcome! Please stay awhile, peruse the archives and don’t forget to follow me via facebook fanpage or twitter (@oysterbed7)
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Linking with Sheila Gregoire tolovehonorandvacuum: Wifey Wednesday.
Thank you for your encouraging words….the hubby and I were talking just last night about how to conquer the exhaustion that comes with child rearing (we have a one year old and a three year old). By the time dinner is over, my motivation to anything evaporates and most of what I am thinking revolves around ‘how long until bedtime?’ I haven’t read much of your blog, but I’m super excited to read what people don’t talk about openly very often.
Melinda, WELCOME!! At least you both are communicating how real the exhaustion is to the both of you…keep those lines of communication open. Here’s hoping your little ones find the cooler weather of autumn better for sleeping longer and more soundly!
After my 4th was born, I had no issues with being the sex kitten. In fact, I was in labor in the hospital bed wishing my husband would jump me right then and there! Two days after giving birth, I showed him my fully nude body. 3 weeks after giving birth, I was begging him for a good romp. It didn’t matter if I was leaking or had children all over me all day. When he came home, I was.so ready to be a wife again. Hubby seemed to have a harder time adjusting. He calls me “mom” when I long to hear “wife.”. Seeing me breast feed and clean messes and discipline children isn’t exactly sexy. I have insisted on a weekend away after the baby is weaned to reclaim each other as husband and wife.
What a blessing the home fires are still burning. May your weekend away be a wonderful time of reconnecting emotionally, spiritually and physically with your hubby!
I’m glad you mentioned postpartum depression…I ended up with that the third time around (not with the other two) and it.was.horrible. It definitely had a huge impact on our sex life getting back on track (or not…for a while). It is so hard to admit that you’re struggling with it, but once you do, and you find a good way for you to manage it, you might be able to get back on track.
Elizabeth@Warrior Wives
http://www.thewarriorwives.com
Hi Elizabeth,
It takes both courage and humility for women to ask for help or even come to the understanding that it may be needed for mental health. Your seeking help was so wise!