Recently, I learned a little more about my entrance into the world. Dad directed a strange statement my way during the last year of his life. Uninhibited by the stroke he said, “I’m sure glad we kept you.” At first I thought he was just teasing, but soon realized he was serious. That’s when I discovered, in spite of mom’s faith, for a brief moment she considered ending my life.
My 40-year-old Mom was very upset to find out she was pregnant with me. It had been 11 years since her last pregnancy and more children were not planned. She cried for days. (I’m sure pregnancy hormones were in play.)
Am I upset to know this? If I’d learned this earlier in life, it may have been harder to process. I’ve had enough life experience to understand that faced with tough life turns, sometimes the easy way out seems appealing.
Maybe I would be devastated if I weren’t convinced God has a purpose for my life. God’s plans are bigger than my mother’s inconvenience. I am humbled to think that I needed to be born.
This little family secret puts many interactions of my childhood into perspective. Not that anything was horrible or abusive.
As a child, I didn’t understand the dynamics of my presence. But, I did get the sense sometimes I wasn’t considered a precious blessing. And to be honest, I’m sure I was a pistol.
Because I’m a mother, I understand how my mother’s life drastically changed because of me. I can understand her frustration. I appreciate her sacrifice. And you must know, she was a good mom and was there for me when I needed her.
Mother’s Day brings a whole kettle full of emotions involving my mother and my own motherhood. It probably does for you, too. Because I know you each have a story that shows the messy side of life.
For those of us who in lack of faith ended a life, it brings guilt, shame, and self-loathing. Mother’s Day reminds us of our sin.
For those of us who lost pregnancies or children, Mother’s Day reminds us of our pain and loss.
For those of us who were abused and not protected or nurtured by our mothers, it brings conflicting emotions of love and bitterness. Mother’s Day reminds us of our victimization.
For those of us who just didn’t seem to be able to connect with our Moms. Mother’s Day fills us with yearning.
There are those of us who have Naomi-Ruth type relationships with our mothers (even though Naomi was a mother-in-law….), Mother’s Day brings joy.
On the surface, Mother’s Day is always flower-filled. However, for some of us the thorns underneath are keenly felt.
Believe it or not, those thorns can influence our sex drive, because thorns of mothers and motherhood are tied up with our sexual expression in a complicated weedy bouquet. Everything outside the bedroom affects what goes on inside the bedroom.
Let Jesus uncomplicate the mess.
Fully grieve.
I’ve only lost my parents not a child. So, I won’t pretend to know that level of despair.
This may help though, “God Has Not Forgotten You.”
Forgive yourself.
Romans 8:1, “There is now no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus, who do not walk according to the flesh, but according to the spirit.”
The secret to undoing self-recrimination is to allow the Holy Spirit to work powerfully in your heart to find hope. Meditate over scriptures that tell about the Holy Spirit and the freedom we have in Christ. Allow the Holy Spirit to give you freedom from guilt.
Romans 15:13, “May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.”
Forgive your mama.
How do you honor your mother if she wasn’t a very good mama? As an adult, honoring is to understand that your mother is another flawed human who was influenced by her childhood. Maybe she perpetuated a horrible abuse cycle, maybe she was uninvolved in your life, maybe she didn’t know how to develop a relationship with you other than being your authoritative boss.
“Forgive them for they know not what they do,” Luke 23:34.
Sometimes our parents are so stuck in their own junk, they don’t know how to love you with their heart. They may have loved you in actions only; roof, clothing, and food. That’s what you honor and respect. They did what they were capable of.
If they brought you to know Jesus in spite of their deficiencies, then you were given the best gift of all! Honor that.
Jesus came to be a servant. He experienced ridicule. As an adult child, to honor your parent means you become a servant and may still be ridiculed. A parent’s ridicule will always sting severely. But, you develop a compassion that they know not what they do. You see through their flawed actions into their wounded heart which is so much like yours. You also put boundaries in place so you aren’t totally destroyed. Even Jesus retired from the crowds.
Celebrate What’s Good on Mother’s Day
Whatever your thorn is, lay it aside for the day. Celebrate the special women in your life. Celebrate the qualities your mother possessed that were meaningful to you. Celebrate the possibilities your future holds.
And if celebrating anything is really too painful, please immerse yourself in prayer and Christian counseling. I pray it’s only a season for you.
Today, my mom is in the forefront of my mind. Because I share my mom’s faith, one day I’ll be able to tell her that I loved her for her sacrifice in raising me, for helping me learn to laugh in hard times, and giving me so many wonderful experiences.
I was never able to hear her say, “I’m sure glad we kept you.” But, I’m going to believe dad was speaking for them both.
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Bonny, am very sorry for the loss of both your parents. 🙁 Praying for daily strength and encouragement for you somehow in the midst of the grief you face.
I can identify a little with what you wrote–I was a child not planned on, but when my existance was evident, it was hoped I was a girl–not a boy. Perhaps to some, that might not seem like a big deal, but comments from the mother over time can hurt substantially.
In any case, I am glad that, regardless of what you learned about your mother’s situation, your father expressed his sincere delight in you, and in finding you to be a great blessing to him!
Thank you for your condolences and tender comment. I’m sorry for the pain you’ve endured. Prayerful you, too, can lay aside the thorns and celebrate what’s good.
Very heart-touching post, Bonny! My deepest condolences on the loss of both of your parents. What a testimony to your mom of her selfless raising you and that someday you will be able to run into her arms and thank her for the life she allowed you to have. <3
Mother’s day is a joyful day in many ways for me. Although my mother and I have had many bumps in the road and have been working on some codependency issues, we are dear friends and I truly love her. We share a deep connection, and I love and am so grateful to her! I’m also thankful that at the age of 26, I have both sets of grandparents alive and healthy, and that they are two of the most inspirational, beautiful women I know.
I’m grateful that I now have a beautiful, sweet mother in law. I’m so blessed in the mother department. Also a bit of a bittersweet time of reflection, as my heart would so love to be a mother and I’m sad that I’m not yet, but it’s on our hearts to wait some months. So it makes me feel a bit empty as my arms yearn to hold a precious child of my own; reflective as I think of what it will be like to be in that stage of life and fill that role, and what I will be like as a mother (if we are so blessed), but also very full of Hope.
Praying for peace for you this Mother’s Day.
Same story – not planned and my mom was depressed and drank a lot after her husband told her “this isn’t what I signed up for – I’m out of here…
Learning about a Father inHeaven when I was young helped me … And knowing Him now is my comfort and peace.
Loving my mom in my heart for keeping me and doing the best she could …
Love to all sisters this Mother’s Day – may His loving feathers cover each of you …
Thanks for sharing xo
This brought tears to my eyes, Bonny. I sure am glad they kept you, too.
Sweet Hoosier Sister…….. What a blessed story! Once again I see the common threads in our lives. Mine did not turn out quite the way yours did and maybe someday soon I will share privately with you. But we can both Praise God for where He has us today.
My mother’s day thorn is a bit different, and perhaps a bit selfish. I get the usual, “I didn’t have time (or money) to get you anything.” The biggest surprise is whether he’ll be sickly sweet, indifferent, or sarcastic and snotty. This year it was the exaggerated “nice” while not really doing anything for me. Better than the sarcastic meanness of years past. The kids either ignored me or pitched a fit when I asked for some help and for them to make me cards. Eventually, they all made me something and my oldest apologized and wished me Happy Mother’s Day before bed. I went to bed well after hubby was asleep to avoid his usual loaded question, “so, how was your mother’s day?” Because then I have to choose between lying and telling the truth when frankly, I just want to go to sleep and be done with it all without fuss.
Now, I am fighting the lie that I have to do more and be more this year and perhaps I will earn a real Mother’s Day complete with caring family.
Being grateful for everything else will help you fight that lie from Satan.
I remember how much I used to hate any commemorative day: mother’s day, my birthday, valentine’s day, our anniversary; because my man could never reach my expectation for the day. But truly, it was accepting him for who he was and expressing gratitude to God for all He had done and given me, that changed ME and in turn, changed my husband.
Praying that you can find some way to see how truly blessed you are.
Hi libl,
I sorta have a similar situation. My family always says “I love you” and I try to be thankful for that. But as far as gifts, or appreciation? Not so much. Words are easy. Actually showing love is so much harder. I told my kids not to bother with any sappy, store-bought-out-of-guilt cards full of flowery words they would never feel just to appease some made up holiday guilt. Of course, this was said in a moment of frustration with a teen complaining about his chores.
Anyhow, nothing for me either. I cooked. I cleaned up. My husband said he thought about taking us all out for ice cream after dinner, but by the time evening rolled around, he didn’t feel like it.
I don’t matter to them, and I know it. Then my husband tries to act sad that I don’t believe him when he says he loves me. I want to shout at him ” Stop saying that! If you meant it you would SHOW me!!”
It doesn’t matter how much you do each year, you can’t earn a real Mothers Day. I believe it’s more about what little worth I have to them. I know a mom who doesn’t ever visit with her ten year old son, but once a month. He loves her so much but she cancels on him all the time. And yet the rest of her family makes a huge fuss over her and treats her like a queen on Mother’s Day. I know another mom who screams and yells at her kids and bullies her husband, and she gets gifts galore and taken out to dinner.
I do my best, I know I’m not perfect, but I try to serve them and God the best I can. They will tell me they l e me all day long, but words are easy to utter. I wonder if things would be different f I had any daughters (that think like women) instead of dealing with all these men. 🙂
I love flowers, but I never get them. I have a charm bracelet, did they think to buy a charm? After the fact, I mentioned to my husband that I would’ve liked to have gone to a buffet place we like way out in the country, and then walk around the grounds since it was finally a nice day. But did they even consider something like that? Nope. My husband tried to act like he wanted to be here with me, but his colleague needed help with a home improvement project and I knew he wanted to go so I told him to go. I don’t want him staying here with me out of guilt when he’d rather be working, like always. He went. After church when I asked him “what are we doing today?” He gave his standard answer “I don’t know, what do you want to do?” ARGH!!!!! I want to be SURPRISED! I want to be special enough that you could take five minutes to plan something.
The he has the nerve to pout like he’s sad that I didn’t enjoy Mothers Day. I HATE holidays because they are a constant reminder of how little I mean to my family. Sometimes I feel like they wouldn’t even notice if I moved out.
You’re not alone. And I absolutely do not want a last minute gift. If you didn’t have time before Sunday morning, please, PLEASE don’t bother. It is abundantly clear how infrequently I cross your mind.
I love flowers, they all know it, I never get them.