I recently received this message. It’s a good one to consider because obesity is a national problem and a problem that affects marriage in a real way.
[info_box type=”alert_box”]“Dear Bonny,
I struggle with my desire for sex with my husband because he has gained a significant amount of belly fat. When we met, he didn’t have this problem. Now, 12 years later, he has let himself go. I told him when we got married that a man who takes care of himself is incredibly sexy to me.
I have told him that I would like for him to lose the belly. There have been times through the past years that he’s tried different things, but he hasn’t stuck with any of them. I don’t need him to have six-pack abs or anything, I just want him to be at a healthy weight. When I see his gut hanging over his belt and out from under his shirt, it extinguishes any kind of sexual thought I may have had. Help! Am I shallow for desiring my husband to be healthy and not have a significant gut? I really don’t want to hurt his feelings by continuing to talk about it because I love him. Is there any help for us and how can I get him to understand?”
Thank you,
Belly Blues[/info_box]
Here are my thoughts and suggestions for Mrs. Belly Blues.
Let me explain why I do not believe she is shallow.
Some people (female or male) experience a positive emotional “hit” when their spouse is looking good to them. Not all people care about what their spouse looks like, but some do and that is OK.
Those who don’t value physical appearance, may label those who do as shallow. However, they need to consider these scenarios.
Think back to dating days. Most fell in love, partly, because their sweetie did things that made them happy. Most likely, while dating, a young lady had her boyfriend’s complete focus. Most of the time, while talking and doing things together, he was not distracted by screens or anything else. If he quits giving her attention, after marriage, because he just didn’t feel like it anymore, she’s sad and possibly feels less valued because he won’t take the time to do something that is important to her. Does this make a young wife shallow because she misses her young husband’s undivided attention? Or on the other hand, maybe a fiancé played lots of different sports and loved that his lady was in the stands cheering him on. But, after they got married she just didn’t have time to do that anymore. He now feels undervalued and sad that she can’t make him a priority. Is our sports playing husband shallow?
Most of us put the best of ourselves forward in dating situations. This is not to deceive. It is because of limerence, the brain chemical cocktail of being “in-love.” At about 2 years, the “high” of these brain chemicals disappear.
You get married. Kids come along and careers become more demanding. So, there may need to be a shift in some things. But, to completely ignore what your spouse valued in the beginning (which is typically what still makes them feel positive), may be a recipe for disgruntlement and bitterness, especially if they have mentioned this issue more than once.
She has realistic expectations.
Realistic expectations are asking reasonable changes.
Our letter writer seems to have realistic expectations. She doesn’t need six-pack abs. She just wants him to be a healthy weight. This is not asking too much. However, there is a natural aging process that we adjust to. Our faces change, hairlines recede. Although there are face lifts and hair plugs, both of those are unrealistic expectations, in my book. And yes, bodies do change with age, but too much extra weight is not healthy.
Asking our spouse to be a healthy weight is for their benefit, as well. It helps with agility during sexual activity. Plus, being at a healthy weight lowers the risk of type 2 diabetes, high blood pressure, heart disease and strokes, sleep apnea, osteoarthritis, fatty liver disease, kidney disease, and premature joint replacements. Keeping these ailments at bay helps your spouse be more available for the children, live longer, and, pragmatically, will keep costs down for your family in the long run.
Ways to help him understand.
It seems our letter writer’s husband knows he should lose weight because he’s tried things through the years with no success. He probably doesn’t feel good in his skin. This insecurity is why talking about appearance and weight often brings lots of hurt feelings. Therefore, proceed with much kindness and gentleness, while expecting some defensiveness.
There is nagging and then there is a sit down, heart-to-heart talk. I suggest the heart-to-heart. These kind of conversations should be covered in prayer days beforehand. Then, when you sit down to talk the first thing to do is pray together.
Prior to the conversation do these things.
Pray!
First, make a list of the many things you love about your husband. This heart-to-heart needs to revolve around how much you love him and want the best for him and your sexual intimacy together.
Here is a graphic to help you think about different characteristics he may possess.
Second, inform yourself on the love bank and why it is important. Explaining this to him will help him see that we all have needs that, when met, increase sexual intimacy.
Third, understand that weight management is often a mix of genetic/health and emotional factors. Genetically, it may be impossible for him to reach his best weight, but he can get close. He could be experiencing some kind of health problem, too, that’s hindering weight loss. Overeating can be a dysfunctional form of coping when stressed. Research healthy alternatives to coping with stress aside from eating (exercise is one).
Fourth, develop a rough strategy of getting healthy that involves the whole family. Because, honestly, we all need to be healthier. Remember losing weight is basically eating less and moving more. It takes a great deal of forethought and follow-through. Start purging your pantry and fridge of junk, then fill them with nutritious options that everyone likes.
During the conversation talk about these things.
Pray!
First, ask him to be in a mental place where he is open to hear some things. Emphasize that you are ON HIS SIDE. This is about making you a better team. Ask him to separate his emotional side from his logical side and to listen with his logical side.
Second, tell him the many ways he makes you happy and what you love about him. Share from the list you made.
Third, explain the love bank, then ask him what you do that makes him the happiest.
If sexual intimacy makes him happiest, the correlation between healthy weight and greater frequency of love making is easy to show. He will be more agile and you will have greater sexual interest. He will probably feel better physically and gain self-confidence, in the process.
If what makes him happiest isn’t sexual intimacy, then, gently, not in a snarky tone, ask what it would be like to live life without it? Because, his trimmer body is something you were happy with, but now you are living without.
Fourth, suggest he visit a doctor to see if there is some kind of medical issue going on that could be impeding weight management.
Fifth, present your rough strategy and ask him how he could improve it? Let him know you want this to be a team and family effort. Develop a meal plan with his input. Work together to premake lunches, no eating out. Get the whole family up and moving. If you can afford a gym membership, make it a family friendly one. If you can’t afford that, just get off of the couch. Let him know you are going to be his biggest cheerleader while eating the same foods and doing the same physical acitivity he does. You believe in him!
Final Thoughts
Our weight is not our identity, but for some reason it has a lot of emotional power. The biggest objection you’ll likely hear when you ask your spouse to re-energize their appearance will sound something like, “Why can’t you love me just the way I am?” This comes from a place of fear.
To overcome this objection, emphasize the love you have for your spouse’s heart, while helping them remember that marriage is a team effort. My part of the team effort is to ______ (whatever you do that makes him happiest). Taking care of yourself better is your part of the team effort.
I can talk about this, because Dave and I have had this conversation. I am the one who struggles with weight management and physical appearance is important to him. Even though I was hurt that he wanted me to lose weight, deep down I knew he was right. There has been a more recent time when I’ve told him that he was at his top weight and I didn’t want him to gain any more. He accepted that with a nod. He knew.
Getting healthy is a lifestyle change and, honestly, is hard. Because of this, most likely the spouse who desires a more healthy spouse will honor the effort. Meaning, even if all the weight is not shed, they will be emotionally happy because there is an effort being made to try. The effort is a nonverbal statement that says I hear you and I care about you enough to try.
The ultimate goal is that this lifestyle change will stick. Not only will Mrs. Belly Blues find her husband enticing, again, the whole family will be healthier. These new exercise and eating habits will become a normal part of life.
Great Resources
Burn calories in a fun and romantic way!!! Show Her Off, date at home dance lessons. Plus, you don’t even have to leave the house! I HIGHLY recommend them!
The blog, Calm.Healthy.Sexy, is a wonderful resource for working toward a healthy lifestyle. You can incorporate many of her thoughts from this book into your family’s new strategy, Fit.Strong.Healthy.
40 Day Sugar Fast, by Wendy Speake, where physical detox meets spiritual transformation.
Other Relevant Posts:
A Healthy Weight is not a Skinny Weight
How to Succeed at Losing Weight
