Love and Robinson, authors of Hot Monogamy, state that couples who can converse together comfortably about their sex life rate their sex life as more satisfying.
The Forgiven Wife has started a new series, Stepping out of your Comfort Zone. In Friday’s post she gave pointers for courageously being open to Sex Talks with your husband.
She makes a very good point, that critical conversations should not take place in the bedroom. I agree with her that negativity be kept clear of the delicate marriage bed.
But, if part of your low libido nature could be helped through a more pleasurable experience in the bedroom, I’ve stumbled across three little letters for you.
YES!
Michael Castelman at Psychology Today states, “If you’re reluctant—or unable—to provide the direction you think your lover needs, here’s a simple, effective, one-word remedy. Simply say “yes” when you enjoy what’s happening, and remain silent when you’re less than thrilled. That’s all there is to it—and it works. Over a few months, just saying “yes” is virtually guaranteed to get you more of what you want and less of what you don’t.
Erotic arousal is contagious. The more you show that you’re turned on, the more turned on your lover is likely to become—and provide what clearly arouses you. Sighs, moans, and groans can communicate arousal. But “yes” works better, especially when you say it with feeling: “Oh, Man, yes!” or “Ooooo, ye-e-es!” Lovers naturally provide more of whatever elicits that magic word, and less of what’s greeted by silence.”
Practice saying Yes!
I’m serious. If you find it difficult to speak during a rendezvous, practice saying, “Yes!” while driving in the car (without kiddos, of course). Your, “Yes!” doesn’t have to be over the top like an Herbal Essence commercial. A breathy whisper will work just fine.
For some lovers, speaking much more than one or two words is distracting from love making.
“….To add words to lovemaking can dilute it, even degrade it. My wife doesn’t understand that. She insists that I say it in words,” Male respondant on page 52 of Hot Monogamy.
However, one little word isn’t going to be annoying. Give, “Yes!” a try and see if it directs in a gentle and pleasing way.
“Let your, ‘yes,’ be, ‘yes,’……..……,” Matthew 5:37.
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This is such a simple,yet highly effective technique. No, it is not silly to practice it. I am self-employed. When I have to raise me fee, it is difficult saying the new fee, especially to established clients. I practice saying it until it rolls out without hesitation and sounds like I have been saying it for years. Public speaking is supposedly the greatest fear for people, Why is it we think “private” speaking on hot-button issues is any easier?
This one little 3-letter word will absolutely do the trick. If you use it effectively you likely won’t have to elaborate as to how you feel, why you feel, and do you feel. Yes says, “I like this. More please.” Feel free to throw in an appreciative moan or unf if you are so moved, but don’t forget the “yes” spoken as soon as possible so as to not confuse what it references. If may even require a serial yes. When the stimulus of the same spot changes from hand, to finger, to mouth, to teeth, to tongue, etc. Affirm that which you find desirable as it is happening. If he changes and doesn’t hear “yes,” and “backs up”, be sure to reaffirm his return to the desired stimulus. He will persist in those actions that reward him and his ego with a “yes” from you and build a repertoire around them.
Be alert. He may adopt the same technique with his desires and you need to be listening for his “yes” affirmations however he phrases them.
I can think of no easier way to meet needs, desires and achieve fulfillment for the sexual side of your relationship than this. If you get to 80% with this technique, you will find the other 20% all the more easy to openly discuss.
Thank you, UD, for this insightful comment. It’s so good to know what he is thinking and receiving for our monosyllabic praise! I especially like these points you made: 1. A serial, repetitive yes may be needed and appreciated. 2. He may employ the monosyllable as affirmation of your efforts, so be in tune. I am so glad you took the time to share this!
I came across this quote by Dr. Boris Sokoloff this morning, “Like swimming, riding, writing or playing golf, happiness can be learned.”
And like anything being learned, it requires practice! Even saying, “yes.”
I am new to any of this thinking, in fact I really can’t believe the things I’m reading on your site. I’ve been married 20 years & have 4 sons. I know without a doubt my marriage is in trouble (mostly due to me constantly saying no). My husband became a Christian sept 11 (the very day the towers were bombed). In the last few years he has studied & worked hard to be a Godly leader & doting husband. I on the other hand am lacking greatly due to my own guilt & shame of actually hating the thought of intimacy. I really don’t understand my brain on this because he does everything right (almost) & I enjoy it thoroughly about once a month but it literally takes me that long & everything has to be PERFECT (him, me, environment, etc).
I feel like a failure to God. I know the reasons but I can’t get past them. The msgs in my brain are powerful. My mom had postpartum psychosis when I was born & she said she resented & screamed at me until I was 5ish. Then she says she realized & stopped but I always knew she disliked me up into my 30s (I’m 43 now). I can remembr being little & my grandpa touching me & always joking in a perverted way (I also was exposed to porn as a child thru him. Then as I grew up I can remember hearing my parents fight (knock down drag outs) about sex & how my mom hated it & hearing how that’s all my dad wanted. Then when my sister & I were little my mom made us watch movie scenes of violent rape scenes to “teach” us. I know she truly thought this was good for us. So the older I get I truly feel like I almost have Ptsd to sex. Up until I stumbled on to this site, I’ve felt it was my duty to my husband but deep inside I dread it. But because I do enjoy it when everything is perfect & im miraculously in the mood, I’m very confused by the whole thing. I hope reading through the stories will help me have the desire for my husband that God wanted me to have. I just truly don’t know if I’m Brave enough to venture out of my sexual shell.
You are not a failure. You are a beautiful woman. God cherishes you. I am on the road at the moment but will email you in a few days.
We’ve gotten baby steps better, but talking with my husband about sex is like pulling teeth. Just today I tried explaining how I feel arousal differently from him. He says he has one feeling sexually. I told him I have many. I feel romantic here, sensual there, erotic, on this part, kinky over here…..and it all adds up to the climax. He says women are just too complicated and I refrained from telling him if he wants me to be sexually like a guy he should have been gay.
I wish he embraced my unique sexuality and listens to me discuss it as I unravel the mystery. Instead, he is content with his one feeling and getting his rocks off. I respect his simplicity. I wish he respected my complexity.
I pray one day your husband will hear you with different ears. Until then, you have distilled this down. “I respect his simplicity. I wish he respected my complexity.” Beautifully stated, even though I wish it was a better scenario for you. Fortunately, God’s not done with any of us, yet. He’s not done with your hubby.
I hear your frustration libl. it is rough when all the marriage material you hear says “talk about it with him” …. “communicate to him” or he “should” be willing to do this or that.
When, every time you follow the advice you end up just driving a bigger wedge between the two of you. it sucks! We had hot buttons in our marriage and sex was one of them. it really was just about growing up … for both of us; just in different areas.
But like Bonny said, God is not done with either of you. I wish there was a magic (or spiritual) formula that I could tell you I followed and it will guarantee success for you too! Dear sister, there just isn’t. Really try and trust that God is NOT withholding romance and intimacy from you. Really try hard to know that it WILL change. Really try hard to adapt to your husband’s style of sexually. I know that sounds like shooting yourself in the foot or telling him he was/is right …. but someone has to start the ball rolling on the road to healing and I’m guessing you are the more mature one in the marriage, so I believe the responsibility for maintaining oneness falls to you.
I’m speaking from experience; it Will change. And Bonny’s advice of that magic word “yes” will be part of the catalyst.
Nothing makes me ‘happier’ faster than when my wife says, “Yes!” What’s funny is that it also instantly makes me want to sexually please her more than myself. I remember the years where she did not say, “Yes!” They were tough. These years are great, full of mutual sacrifice and satisfaction…!