I got excited the other day because I think God revealed another truth regarding sexual interest. Stick with me…..
I am involved in an outreach program called Christian Women’s Job Corps (CWJC). The central component of this program is that each of our ladies is paired with a mentor. As I watch the mentors work with our “protégées” my heart warms. Maybe for the first time ever, our protégées feel valued by another human being. We explain to them, that CWJC volunteers and mentors are just doing the work of Jesus.
The best part is watching new mentors grasp the fact that they are receiving just as much from their protégée as they are giving.
That’s the beauty of value and respect. It is usually a reciprocal process, a win-win.
“Therefore, if you have any encouragement from being untied with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any common sharing in the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others,” Philippians 2:1-4.
This isn’t a call to degrade ourselves or overlook boundaries we need to have in place. This is a call to value others.
I think that’s where we take a sharper turn than we need to and get off the road. We don’t have to put ourselves down to hold others up. Actually, we can hold others up even higher, if we value ourselves in the process.
It’s subtle, but I think it’s huge. As you realize that all people are something to value and have lots to offer, you start to value yourself more for what you have to offer.
Self-Value through Christ.
Satan’s ace in the hole is convincing us to feel unlovable, unworthy, of no value. Satan has told us we need to be humble to the point of self-loathing to be worthy of God’s love.
Robert S. McGee says we need to be convicted about our behaviors that separate us from God (i.e. sin). But, we don’t have to carry around the guilt like a cloud for the rest of our lives.
If we have accepted Christ as savior, “In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God’s grace that he lavished on us,” Ephesians 1:7. That he lavished on us! You are worthy because God thought you worthy of lavish grace.
If you feel you are worthy only by carrying around these denigrating feelings, are you more righteous by continuing to carry them?
“He saved us not through righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy. He saved us through the washing of rebirth and renewal by the Holy Spirit, whom he poured out on us generously through Jesus Christ our savior, so that, having been justified by his grace, we might become heirs having the hope of eternal life,” Titus 3:5-7.
Denigrating ourselves does not give us greater value in God’s eyes.
So, let the unlovable feeling go. Choose self-value.
Where does self-value come from?
- The Holy Spirit
- Intentional capture of the thoughts of unworthiness (“…and take captive every thought and make it obedient to Christ,” 2 Corinthians 10:5)
- Valuing others (there is a mirror effect)
“Our thoughts, emotions, and behaviors are dependent on each other; none exists in a vacuum. Changing how we think, feel, and act is a process that involves the supernatural work of the Holy Spirit, honesty, time, modeling, affirmation and truth,” Search for Significance by Robert S. McGee, page 140.
Christian self-value can counteract much that weighs down sexual interest.
Here are three things self-value relieves.
Negative Body Image – I think self-value curbs perfectionism. We can see media through a balanced lens and know that, ‘I value myself for me, not what the media-world thinks I should look like.’
Being Too Busy – It helps us realize because of Christ, our value does not have to come from outside approval. Self-value can counter the need to be constantly busy and stressed to gain anyone’s approval.
Fear of vulnerability – When I value myself and feel better about who I am, it’s easier to be vulnerable. Because of my lack of fear of who I am, I can be naked emotionally and physically with my spouse and have no shame.
Final Thoughts
Embrace two simple facts. God made you on purpose and you are a co-heir with Christ (granting you the same status as Christ in God’s eyes). God isn’t criticizing you, so you don’t have to criticize yourself.
We are free to let go of comparisons and internal criticism. Give yourself permission to get off the perfectionism train!
With this freedom we can contemplate that maybe our higher drive husbands find sex a physical expression of their love. Listen to husband’s explain what sex means to them on our podcast episode: Guy Talk.
I work at a religious college that emphasizes these same sources of self-value as a way to transform women and prepare them to become leaders in their communities. We have many adult student who have a lifetime of being undervalued by others. Witnessing their transformation as they begin to see and believe their own worth is truly a blessing.
I’m so glad you posted this today, as I prepare to support these same students as they prepare to graduate and re-enter their communities with a different view of themselves than when they came to us.
Witnessing that transformation is watching a miracle in progress. That’s awesome! Our self-value impacts everything around us. That’s so exciting that you do the same kind of work. Blessings to you today, C!
Thanks for this encouraging post. I love McGee’s book.
Thanks for sending folks to our Shop and Support page too!)
I go back to McGee again and again. It’s so uplifting and freeing. I am happy to send shoppers your way to help your wonderful ministry!!
My husband tells me there isn’t anything sexier than me being confident in my body image and being bold and inviting in the bedroom. This is a huge issue for women – not feeling “sexy” enough or “beautiful” enough or “confident” enough in who we are. I think the media is a huge proponent of this – setting an impossible standard we can never achieve. But I think the other problem is men who don’t tell their wives they’re beautiful. My husband is constantly telling me I’m sexy and beautiful (daily) and it’s such a confidence booster. I love what Pastor Mark Driscoll of the Mars Hill Church says in his Peasant Princess series: that your level of attractiveness is measured by your spouse and your spouse alone. If you’re married to a bald man, you find baldness attractive. If you’re married to a short stocky woman, you are attracted to your short stocky wife. I’m a rather “generous” woman and I know I struggled initially in our marriage with feeling beautiful and sexy in my own naked skin because of it. I know now I don’t have to lose a ton of weight to feel confident or beautiful – that I’m beautiful just as I am. Sure, I like to try to stay in shape, but I don’t feel pressured to go to extremes anymore. My husband & I were just talking about it last night – how much more comfortable I am with him and myself. I am confident with my body before him because I know I’m beautiful – flaws and all – and that my husband loves me no matter what.
You are absolutely right that men need to verbalize, tell their bride she is beautiful!!! It’s up to us to allow ourselves to believe it. I’m so glad you understand your beauty and your value, H!
I absolutely LOVE this!! Thank you so much for sharing it!
I am glad you liked it, Abra!