Have you noticed I’ve transitioned from focusing on low libido to focusing on growing your sexual interest?

It wasn’t anything I did intentionally.  It was natural evolution.

It was due, partly, to one of my Psychology classes at Liberty University.  I learned that libido was a term Freud brought into the mainstream vocabulary meaning sexual energy and zest.  I’m not a big fan of Freud.  There is more to it than my general dislike of Freud’s philosophies, though.

It was due, partly, to understanding the need to focus on the positive.  I needed to change my approach from seeing what’s “low” (libido) into seeing what I want to “grow” (my interest sex).  It’s subtle, but important and scriptural.

“Whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things,” Philippians 4:8.

I realized that my struggle with sexual intimacy really had to do with what precedes building sexual energy.

My struggle was in the “want.”  How do I become a wife who wants to build sexual energy?  (The answer to this is my book, Unlock Your Libido, which could also be called in a less artistic title, “Finding Your Sexual Interest.”)

Sexual Interest

This willingness, motivation, inclination to even entertain being sexual is what I call “sexual interest.”  Sexual interest has been revealed to be very important in recent studies on female sexual response.  (See: Rethinking Low Libido: low sexual desire or normal woman?)

Sexual interest includes:

1. Willingness to flirt and accept sexual innuendo, even participate in light hearted banter.
2. Willingness to understand that your husband’s experience with sexual intimacy is different from yours and that it is OK. A view different from yours does not make it bad or negative only different.
3. Willingness to explore what it means to be different not bad.
4. Willingness to understand that sex will benefit your personal physical health and mental outlook. In other words, sex is for you, too!  (See: Dear Wife, You Deserve a Great Sex Life, Too)
5. Willingness to embrace the fact that sensual, erotic experience with your husband is what God desires for your marriage. It’s OK to be a sensual, sexual wife and mother.  (See Song of Solomon)
6. Willingness to become receptive to sexual thought and experience. (See: I Give Myself Permission)

Where does this willingness to expand sexual interest come from? 

1. Developing a closer relationship with God.
   Intentionally allow the Holy Spirit to mature you toward the character of Christ.

2. Developing a closer relationship with your husband.
   Intentionally building a better friendship with him.

3. Developing a prayer and study time with your husband.
   Spiritual intimacy is the foundation of emotional and physical intimacy.

4. Developing a healthier you (better eating, more exercise, and positive thought life).
   Being healthier allows you to open your heart and mind to exploration of different thoughts and ideas.

Sexual interest increases when:

1. You feel great about your relationship with God.
2. You feel great about sex knowing God approves of it in your marriage and encourages it! (See: 25 Reasons God Made Sex Really Good)
3. You feel great about yourself.
4. You feel great about your husband and your relationship with him.
5. You feel great about your life and what’s going on in it.
6. You feel great about increasing your knowledge about sexual intimacy (physically, emotionally, and spiritually).

That’s why sometimes, I write articles that don’t seem very sexy.  But, they all point to these six cornerstones in some way.

The first step in building sexual interest is within you.

The very first step in unlocking your sexual interest is giving yourself permission to see yourself as a sensual, flirty, light-hearted woman and nurture those things.

How do you nurture your sensual, flirty, light-hearted nature?

Pray about growing in wisdom and discernment.  Ask God to fill you with the knowledge of his will through all the wisdom and understanding that the Spirit gives (Colossians 1:9).

Then, you read my blog and blogs like mine that focus on godly sexuality (see the blog referrals on my side bar).  You listen to the podcast, Sex Chat for Christian Wives (we laugh, a lot!).

You read the Song of Solomon with an eye for metaphors (or listen to the audio version on youtube).

You find wives who have good marriages and don’t bash their husbands to be your friends.

You start exercising regularly and you give up those sugary sweets.

You can also read my book, Unlock Your Libido, a year long guide to building sexual interest by nurturing your inner workings.  Find out more details about Unlock your Libido.  For the Kindle version click here: Unlock Your Libido: 52 Week Sex Drive Transformation.

“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened,” Matthew 7:7-8.

Why should you care about sexual interest?

Believe it or not, sexual intimacy is an important part of creating a rock solid marriage bond.  Believe it or not, sexual intimacy has many physical and mental benefits when you engage in it.  Believe it or not, sex can actually be fun if you let it.  Believe it or not, sex doesn’t have to be all about him.  Believe it or not, taking an active role in the bedroom can change many many dynamics of your marriage for the better.

How can I say this with confidence?  Because 15 years ago, I was you.  I cringed at the thought of getting undressed in front of my husband because he might get “those ideas.”  Our marriage was not in a happy place (that’s an understatement, we were miserable).  We couldn’t stand the pain anymore and something had to change.  We addressed several things and sex was one of them.  I could have never foreseen the absolute turn around in our relationship since I started taking sex seriously and not-so-seriously.

For those husbands reading, I will tell you that my husband did a lot of emotional work.  I know there are some marriages that turn around with just one partner making drastic changes.  For us, it was both of us.  His changes spurred along my sexual interest and my ramping sexual interest spurred along his continued work.  It was a cycle.  We both became healthier in the process.  It was made possible by the powerful, transformative work of the Holy Spirit.

“You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart,” Jeremiah 29:13.

If you are just beginning your journey of discovering what it means to build sexual interest, search my 6 years of archives.  Something is bound to speak to you.  And as always, I’m available at pearlmail3@gmail.com if you have any questions or prayer requests.

Forget about what’s low and focus on how to grow.

“Now He who supplies seed to the sower and bread for food will supply and multiply your seed for sowing and increase the harvest of your righteousness,” 2 Corinthians 9:10.