Disclaimers

This post is intended for marriages where both spouses are good-willed, even if sexless.  When in conflict, at times, your spouse may be grumpy and behave badly, just as you probably do.  At each of your cores, however, you are loving and have only good intentions, even if misguided once in awhile.  There is no emotional/verbal, physical, or spiritual abuse within your marriage.

[info_box type=”alert_box”]As you proceed reading, remember:

I wholly believe 2 Timothy 3:16-17.  However, sometimes knowing the right verse to apply to a tough situation requires discernment and in God’s irony, it might not be the most obvious verse.

My blog’s aim is to help the lower drive (LD) spouse understand how sexual intimacy honors God, is great for her personally, and great for overall martial satisfaction.

I AM an LD wife who now has a frequent, consistent, and connected sex life with her higher drive (HD) husband.  I know what makes a lot of other LD wives tick.  I also know relational strategies for moving forward.

I tell my LD wives that if they are married, celibacy is not their spiritual gift.

In this post, I’m offering insight into the mind of a low drive (LD) wife to explain why I don’t typically use 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 to discuss sex.  I will end by showing you some amazing alternate verses for the sexless marriage (or the marriage with mismatched sex drives).  These alternate verses are supportive of team work which makes the dream work![/info_box]

In Sex Chat for Christian Wives’ Episode #70: Sexless Marriage, I mentioned that I rarely point wives who struggle with sexual interest to 1 Corinthians 7:3-5, which is a go-to for many who want to drive the point home about sex in marriage.

Why I don’t use 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 to motivate low sex drive spouses.

(HD spouses, please hear me with an open heart and mind and read the entire post.)

It’s overused and, at times, abused.

This is a go-to verse because it is an obvious biblical principle.

While I understand the intent of sharing this verse isn’t normally malicious, it is a bit like Mjolnir (Thor’s hammer) on the LD spouse’s head.

In marriages where the lack of sex is due to unresolved issues, relational or physical (such as pain or inability to orgasm), this verse is not going to help the LD wife see sex in a whole new light.  (Cue obi-wan kenobi, “This is not the verse you are looking for.”)

In reality, sharing this verse may backfire and perpetuate her negative beliefs about sex (I’m not valued for who I am, but for my body).  Sharing this verse may also shut down dialogue because it does not speak love to a LD spouse, it speaks demand.

Some HD spouses have used it to demand sex (fyi – nothing good ever comes from demanding sex).
Some HD spouses have used it to threaten porn use, which is clearly not biblical.

So, if it’s not helpful, even though a biblical truth, why not contemplate a different biblical route?  Jesus often did.

It doesn’t restore hope for the wife who is struggling.

The use of this verse for a sexless (or low sex) marriage with numerous problems will probably not address the source of the problem.  Often, sex problems aren’t really about sex, they are a symptom of a relationship problem, or maybe the consequence of sexual trauma, or another problem with mental/physical health.

If the problems are more about sex and the wife is experiencing pain or the inability to orgasm, this verse is a reminder that she’s not functioning at 100%.  She’s less than and is failing.

Therefore, using it is not offering a balm of hope but pouring salt in the wound.  (Hang on!  Verses that will offer a balm of hope and motivation are coming!)

It typically does not create motivation for the LD spouse to be more sexual.

If there has been no effort to work as a team to resolve issues, presenting this verse creates a lot of intense negative emotions that will work against the desired outcome – a great sex life.  This verse may exacerbate her feelings of inadequacy (she is not enough), invisibility (she serves no purpose outside of the bedroom), and being unloved.

She may see it as a ploy to make her feel guilty.  Even if guilt does motivate her to some degree, guilt is not a long-term motivator.  It will, typically, not create the type of “all-in and present” sexual partner the HD desires.  Only love motivates that powerfully.  (Stick with me!  Lots of powerful love motivation is on the way.)

Most lower drive Christian wives already know this verse and the corresponding biblical principle.

They know about it and it’s not motivating them.

You see, the LD spouse does not perceive the idea of sexual gratification the same as the HD spouse.  So, if sex is not your love language, would the idea of having a great sex life (which is what is implied in 1 Corinthians 7:3-5) be that big of a motivator?

But, do LD spouses really understand this verse? Would a treatise (a long formal explanation) of 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 help a LD spouse understand?  Would it help to highlight that this verse is about the husband AND the wife receiving sexual pleasure, not one lording over the other, and reciprocally that one cannot unilaterally deny except for prayer?

I’m going to say no, a treatise would not help.  It will especially not help if, the marriage has relational issues, the LD spouse experiences painful intercourse, has not yet experienced orgasm, and if the HD spouse has tried no other avenues of helping the LD spouse understand what sex means to him or her.  Or, and I’m going to be radically blunt here, it’s really really not going to help if the HD spouse has been a consistent jerk about the lack of sex in marriage.

Must this verse be presented because, she needs to understand her sin?  Let me just be bold here and point to Romans 3:23, “…for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.”

Remember, the most powerful motivation is love.

“Or do you show contempt for the riches of his kindness, forbearance and patience, not realizing that God’s kindness is intended to lead you to repentance?” Romans 2:4.

Team Work Makes The Dream Work

Let’s go another route with a completely different set of verses to help achieve blessed one-fleshedness.  😉

Obviously, a marriage with mismatched sex drives is most likely never going to completely agree about what sexual intimacy means to them.  However, the best marriages aren’t made of two spouses who think exactly alike.

The best marriages have two spouses who think together.

They accept the other’s position without a negative attitude.  They problem solve together when they do not agree.  They do not fight against each other but discuss and compromise.

Thinking together in a loving manner is modeled in the 59 one another passages (listed at the end).

Since I’m like a lot of other LD spouses, I’m going to use my marriage as an example while interjecting the appropriate one another passage to help clarify.  Because every marriage is different, try to think how to apply this overall principle to your marriage.

(Please know, Dave and I are not perfect, far from it.  Because of our defects, if we can manage to do this, so can you!)

The pivotal conversation.

In our marriage’s story, my motivation to improve consistency in the bedroom came from one pivotal conversation.  Before this conversation, we were on our way to destroying each other.  During this conversation, we somehow were able to lay down defensiveness and bitterness.

“If you bite and devour each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other,” Galatians 5:15.

This conversation happened during the worst part of our marriage. Dave and I had a rare moment of clarity.  Even rarer was the loving manner that we had this discussion.  It was this loving manner that made the conversation a success.  (I’ll be honest, there was a whole lot of Holy Spirit at the table, too, because the peace was the kind that passes understanding.)

“This is my command: Love each other,” John 15:17.

We agreed that we were both miserable.  This was heard/understood/accepted by each of us with great openness/non-judgement/humility.  (He did not mention 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 once, even though he may have mentioned he needed greater frequency.)

“All of you clothe yourselves in humility toward one another, because, ‘God opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble,’” 1 Peter 5:5.

We quit blaming each other and took ownership of our half of the problem.  It wasn’t just one of us, it was both.

“Therefore, let us stop passing judgement on one another, instead make your mind not to put any stumbling block or obstacle in the way of a brother or sister,” Romans 14:13 (and as weird as it sounds, you are each other’s brother and sister in Christ).

We also agreed that divorce was not an option and that WE would do whatever WE needed to find affection, again.

“Share each other’s burdens…” Galatians 6:2.

Before this conversation, we were OSU vs. Michigan (arch rivals for those outside the US).  After this conversation, we were #TeamBurns, a whole new unified entity trying to save a marriage.  Unity is a biblical principle.

“Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God,” Romans 15:7.

If your one conversation doesn’t go as ours, don’t give up.  Oftentimes, it takes many loving conversations before the light bulb blinks on.

Let go of the power struggle

In becoming a team, release the need to win.  Quit fighting to be heard and start working together, side by side.

To achieve this:  Pray and ask God to help you.

• Lay down your pride, blame, and assumptions.
• Lay down bitterness (especially bitterness!!).
• Open your heart and mind.
• Remember why you fell in love with your mate (don’t go down Satan’s road of justification, “I only married them because….”).
• Accept that your spouse has needs, opinions, and desires that are not the same as yours.
• Take the OTHER’S point of view seriously.
• Accept that differences in marriage are OK, they build a better team.
• Do not be defensive when wrestling with the tough issues.

Living out the one another verses means BOTH spouses employ care, compassion, and consideration of the other.

This is why I point sexless and mismatched marriages to the 59 one another passages in the Bible.

Typically, sexlessness is not the result of one thing.  Sexlessness is just like an ogre, a multi-layered onion.

It may be multi-layered with normal stuff, like stress, grumpy/frustrated behavior, unintentionality, or possibly wrong understanding of biblical sexual ideas.  However, it also might be layered with more complex issues like chronic health problems, personality disorders, childhood sexual abuse, betrayal trauma, adult sexual assault, pornography use, sex addiction, abortion, etc.  (If your layers are the complex variety, find a marriage counselor to help you both work through this.)

In dealing with all of these things, the 59 one another verses help coach you to realize, “Team work makes the dream work.”

Start working on your marriage’s layers

The team works as you both push yourselves to move out of your comfort zones.
The dream works as you deliberate ideas together and try to get to the main reason your marriage is sexless.  FYI – It’s not always about sex.

For the LD spouse, this means that you compassionately take your HD spouse’s desire for sexual intimacy seriously.  Pray about how you can move out of your comfort zone to meet it.  Brainstorm strategies to build your unity, outside and inside the bedroom (there are lots of strategies for doing that on this blog!).  You don’t have to understand your spouse’s HD need to believe it is real.

For the HD spouse, listen to your LD spouse about his or her needs/concerns and take them seriously, compassionately meeting their non-sexual needs.  When it comes to sex, patiently and lovingly help the LD spouse work through road blocks by cheering them on, encouraging the next step.  If these blocks include sexual abuse or trauma of any kind or if you hit a brick wall and there is an impasse, get counseling!

After considering all the 59 one another passages below, set a time for your defenseless conversation.

Become #Team_______  (insert last name here).

Again, if you and your spouse cannot do this without animosity, find a counselor to help you.

(Look for my upcoming series that will use the 59 one another passages to help grow your marriage’s sexual intimacy at the beginning of next year.)

The 59 one another Passages of the New Testament (New International Version)

These passages have the term “one another” in each verse at least once, maybe twice.  They are practical and explain how to behave in a way that promotes unity.

One Another PDF