Have you ever heard the phrase, “Someone’s gotta go first,” in regards to making a change to improve an unhappy marriage?
Well, I didn’t go first.
Oh, I may have found the resources. However, my husband took the first steps. He showed me what true change looks like. He quickly grasped how to apply the skills we were learning.
No matter who went first, I can pinpoint the moment my heart began turning from feeling neglected to cherished. From that moment, it was a slow and steady u-turn.
The day we started praying together is the day our marriage bed started to change.
It’s OK to pray about your sex life. Honest.
Prayer helped our sex life improve because hurts in other areas started being addressed. Although improving sexual frequency is good in a marriage with mismatched sex drives, the lack of sex is usually not the foundational issue. The foundational issue is basically selfishness (you aren’t being nice to each other, discounting your spouse’s feelings and opinions about things).
Praying together is not magic. It’s a process of humbling yourself to God and then to each other.
Prayer helps open your compassion. Even if you don’t specifically pray over the pain, you both become aware of the other’s hurts. Although compassion isn’t listed as a fruit of the spirit, I believe it is a spiritual gift and it grows in strength when you pray with your spouse.
Prayer channels compassion.
As our prayer life progressed, I began to understand my husband was hurting in areas I never dreamed he could be hurting. He also became aware of my hurts and acknowledged them as real.
When my hurt was raw, I couldn’t see clearly. Prayer helped heal my heart so that I could see beyond my pain and consider my husband’s needs.
Nomatter how much you may not understand your spouse’s perspective, you need to acknowledge it is real and valid to them. Joe Beam explains it like this, “If someone tells you that your child has been killed in a car accident, you are going to experience horrendous pain. Then, if that person calls back and tells you that there was a mistake and your child is still alive, it doesn’t make the first pain-filled reaction any less real even though the facts were wrong.”
Even if we don’t understand our spouse’s emotions and his reaction to things, we need to accept them as real.
If you think your spouse is stupid for feeling that way, you will make no progress towards a happier marriage. Only when we accept our spouse’s emotions as true for them and make no judgements, will the real work of healing begin.
Prayer channels love.
Loving your spouse enough to put your pain and anger aside to look at their wounds is not easy. A real champion goes on to consider that who caused of those wounds. If you can point the finger back at yourself, healing will begin. Prayer softens the edges and makes it possible.
Prayer helps you juggle all of this. Prayer helped motivate me to understand my husband’s deep need for me to be sexual with him. Prayer helped him understand I needed him to show me love by moderating his mood, using a sweeter tone of voice, and consulting me when he made his schedule for the week.
Prayer helped me develop a plan to meet his needs in spite of my low libido. God helped me turn sex into a mind and heart connection, not just a physical one.
No matter which of you is the high drive spouse, praying together will be the beginning of a change.
If sexual conflict is a reality in your marriage, pray for God to reveal what might be the true underlying cause. Pray that you will be able to accept whatever the revelation may be. Pray that God will guide you through the healing process and bring people and resources to your aid.
1 John 5:14, “And this is the confidence we have toward him, that if we ask anything according to his will he hears us.”
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If you wonder what God thinks about sexual intimacy, see 25 Reasons God Made Sex Really Good.
Here us discuss the power of prayer in our sex lives on Episode 48 on our podcast: Rethinking Sexuality.
And this is a big reason we continue to be stuck. My husband will not validate my feelings on any subject; my feelings are stupid, period. Try praying with someone who has this attitude and refuses to be transparent about his own feelings or needs. What a mess.
My wife has no sex drive… refuses to pray it talk about it… please pray for us… I’m to the point of frustration I can’t deal with it anymore, it’s causing anxiety, depression, anger, self doubt, low self esteem, and others…
I am so very sorry. Yes, I completely understand how this makes a marriage miserable. I will pray for both of you to have the heart of Christ and work toward figuring out the solution. Have you sought any kind of marriage class or course? This course changed our marriage. I highly recommend and I get no compensation for saying so. http://www.familydynamics.net/dynamicmarriage
My husband and i need prayer. He acts like we only have sex 2 times a month. I know is more like twice a week but because i have been wrong about so many things, i am not believed in anything anymore. Also, i said no too many times years ago (don’t remember ever saying no) he decided to never come on to me ever again. It’s hard trying to fix our sex life all on my own especially with low libido. I rarely feel pretty. We blew up yesterday because when chatting wuthering friends we joked about sex a little and he told me later that i was a lier because i tried to make our sex life sound good and it sucks. Tonight i tried coming on to him only to be rejected because he felt that it was fake. I don’t know how to feel let alone what to do. I’m a little scared to ask him to pray with me about this because he never wants to even talk about it.
Mindy, I’m sorry that sex is a point of contention in your marriage right now. I will certainly be in prayer for you and your husband. It may feel hopeless right now, but there is hope. Your intentions are very good. Have you considered having a discussion with him outside of the bedroom about sexual intimacy? You may want to have a sit-down and tell him you are sorry for hurting him through your past actions and you want to start fresh. Sexual intimacy is a very emotional topic for men. I didn’t really get that for a long time. These two articles attempt to explain where the men are coming from. http://www.oysterbed7.com/2015/04/how-sex-is-like-peanut-butter-for-the-low-libido-spouse.html and http://www.oysterbed7.com/2012/04/why-sex.html. Feel free to email me at pearlmail3@gmail.com.
We are also facing the same problem. I have great sexual drive. But my husband likes to do in two or three times a month. On that day also I won’t get orgasam. I prayed a lot. And I do masturbate So many times.. I felt guilty after doing it. What will I do. How can I get rid of this addiction and get a fully satisfaction from my husband
Have you and your husband experimented with other methods of stimulation aside from piv intercourse? There are other methods for you to achieve orgasm with your husband (oral and manual). It just may take a little practice. This doesn’t mean he’s a bad lover, he just needs more specific direction from you. Have you sat down with him outside of the bedroom and not at a time you would like to be sexual and had a discussion about increasing your frequency?