Think Yourself Steamy

by | Aug 12, 2014 | Science of Sex | 4 comments

NYTime columnist, Daniel Bergner, speaking with Adriaan Tuiten, a Dutch scientist, regarding female desire: 

“This interplay of experience and neural pathways is widely known as neuroplasticity. The brain is ever altering. And it is neuroplasticity that may help explain why hypoactive sexual desire disorder {low libido} is a mostly female condition, why it seems that women, more than men, lose interest in having sex with their long-term partners.”

“If boys and men tend to take in messages that manhood is defined by sex and power, and those messages encourage them to think about sex often, then those neural networks associated with desire will be regularly activated and will become stronger over time.”

“If women, generally speaking, learn other lessons, that sexual desire and expression are not necessarily positive, and if therefore they don’t think as much about sex, then those same neural networks will be less stimulated and comparatively weak.”

“The more robust the neural pathways of eros, the more prone you are to feel lust at home, even as stimuli dissipate with familiarity and habit.” 

In other words, young girls hear messages that sex is bad or a no-no in an effort to keep them on the path of sexual integrity.  Their brains accept this as ‘truth’ while they become women and wives.  Because they do not associate sex in a positive frame of mind, their brain reinforces this by having weak paths to sexual desire.
The awesome message of this paragraph is in the second sentence.  Your brain is changing all the time.  You can change your brain.  
 
Science says, think about sex with your husband as good and you can change your neural wiring to help you experience more sexual desire.
Can you think your way to sexual desire?  Yes. 
I have been writing about marital sexual intimacy for nearly 3 years.  Many times throughout the week, I focus on sexual information.  Some thoughts are as bland as chemical molecule diagrams and some are steamy thoughts of my husband.  But, all thoughts have a positive bias that sex is good and part of God’s perfect design.
This rewires my brain to say sex = good!
The very last statement of the paragraph means:  As wives, once the initial hormonal explosion of romantic love quells into stability, the message ‘sex is bad’ returns, unless, we purposefully change our thoughts to say sex = good.  When we view sex as positive this will strengthen the paths toward desire.
What if it’s too hard to think about sex in a positive light?  Baby steps work.
Capture all the negative thoughts about sex and reframe them to be at least neutral.
“I don’t mind when my husband touches the nape of my neck.”
“It may be a little messy, but I have a towel close by.”
“I guess I look OK to him.”
Try to have neutral thoughts daily about sexual intimacy.
In a few weeks, you can make stronger positive statements. 
“I think I would like some full body contact the next time we hug.”
“Maybe when he says I’m hott, he really means it.”
“I liked it when he touched me there last time.”
“I might not mind being sexual with my husband if he seems interested.”
Try to have positive thoughts daily about sexual intimacy.
In a few more weeks, you may even think, “I kind of feel like having a steamy rendezvous tonight.”
 
Give it a try and let me know how it works out.
Messy Marriage

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4 Comments

  1. Anemone
    Anemone on August 12, 2014 at 2:19 pm

    I appreciate the theme of this post, and can concur. When I married, my libido was low. Though I love the touching, affirmation, and love shown in intimacy, it was not physically arousing for me at first. However, I believed that I could, by God’s grace, guide my heart and train my body. Slowly, with lots of prayer and communication with my dear husband, my body is learning to respond.

    • Bonny Logsdon Burns
      Bonny Logsdon Burns on August 12, 2014 at 3:37 pm

      Thank you, Anemone, for sharing how you are seeing a change in your desire! I’m so happy the think method is working for you. It’s important for others to know that it can work. May God smile upon your continued ‘physical response training.’ 🙂

  2. Sharon Hodge
    Sharon Hodge on August 13, 2014 at 2:04 am

    Positive thinking can definitely set the mood for the day. Fantasies throughout the day are powerful also. Negative thinking can ruin a positive experience…

    • Bonny Logsdon Burns
      Bonny Logsdon Burns on August 13, 2014 at 2:21 am

      Yes,yes and yes on positive thinking. Fantasies with your husband, a good addition!

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