Eyes are the window to your soul.
I like that brief soul to soul connection of looking a newly met stranger straight in the eye. Eye color is beautiful to me. It’s the trait I remember most about people.
No set of eyes are quite the same. Even my set of identical twins have a slightly different tilt, although their blue color is the same.
Eyes don’t always function precisely. Problems can usually be corrected with glasses.
Occasionally, you’ll meet a person with a perfect soul, yet their eyes are misshapen or don’t align properly. They are rare statistically, yet these people still manage to thrive in spite of less than perfect vision.
Sometimes our parts don’t work as precisely as the next person. But, they still work! Sometimes a part is even more defective than most, but you learn to work around it. Remember, the other four senses are heightened for people who are blind.
Just as we all share eyes, all ladies share the same ‘plumbing’ in our nether regions, too.
We are plumbed with a very special pop up assembly called the clitoris. It’s a hot button that turns on and off, just like a faucet. A discouraged few think that their faucet is broken because hot water never appears. When really, they just haven’t secured the O ring.
Yes, I’m talking about orgasms. If you have never e.v.e.r. experienced an orgasm you are not alone. 10 – 15% of women have never had an orgasm through any means according to Robert W. Birch, Ph.D, The Pathways to Pleasure. Women who have never orgasmed are said to be anorgasmic.
Anorgasmic ladies may think they are blind and defective, unable to see what the big deal is about. Do you think you’re plumbed wrong because you haven’t had an orgasm? Flush those thoughts! You aren’t defective! You just haven’t figured it out yet. I have two success stories among my personal friends. One gal finally found her O in her mid-40’s. The other was 70! I have read of many many other success stories.
Our plumbing comes in all shapes, sizes, colors, and textures. The distance between our hot button (clitoris) and our spigots (vaginal opening) can vary greatly. The size and width of plumbing varies. Sensitivity of plumbing varies. Sometimes, we just need to understand our bodies better.
Not only is our plumbing different, but how we see things (our mental states) is also different. Some are carrying memories of sexual trauma, guilt from sexual experiences prior to marriage, perceptions that sex is bad regardless of the wedding ring. Some are ashamed of their bodies. Some are afraid to let themselves lose control and experience the sensual.
All of these differences affect our ability to orgasm.
Is Orgasm necessary?
Meaningful spiritual and emotional connection is the end goal of marital sexual intimacy, not orgasm. The media hypes us up on the explosive physical ecstasy of orgasms. But, sweet sensations can be experienced during sex even without orgasm.
No, orgasm isn’t necessary for sexual intimacy.
Here’s the rub: It’s worth pursuing.
Sex without an orgasm is like an Iris. Irises are lovely and complex flowers. Their texture is filmy like chiffon. The Iris’ beard of pollen is cute and fuzzy. But, Irises don’t have a fragrance (at least mine don’t).
Sex with an orgasm is like a bouquet of Gardenia and Jasmine. Not only are their delicate white bodies delightful, but an exquisite scent enhances their visual beauty. The scent envelopes you.
Sometimes I’m only interested in receiving a bouquet of Irises. But, sometimes I want the sensual (scentual?) bouquet of Gardenia and Jasmine. You deserve this option, too.
Causes of Anorgasmia
According to mayoclinic.com physical causes of anorgasmia include: Illness, Gynecological issues, Medications including alcohol and illegal drugs, and the aging process. Mayo also mentions psychological and relationship factors.
In one research article a female patient had a disconnect between the brain and the vaginal/clitoral real estate. The patient had measurable vaginal contractions, signs of orgasm, but the sensation didn’t register in her brain for her to experience it. There are also clitoral and vaginal anomalies.
But, I think structural maladies are very very rare. I am no doctor, but I am going to venture to say that 95% of the female population has 8000 nerve endings packed into that tiny little clitoral button. That’s twice as many nerves than the head of a penis. It is more densely sensitive than any other region of the body, including the fingertips and tongue. (Woman: An Intimate Geography, Natalie Angier, 1999).
It’s OK to Orgasm. The Bible tells me so.
Did you know, up until the 6th day, God had said his creation was only good. After he made Adam and Eve, he told them to be fruitful and multiply, implying sexual intimacy. Then, God said it was very good! (Genesis 1)
“Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made,” John 1:3
“He is the Rock, his works are perfect and all his ways are just. A faithful God who does no wrong, upright and just is he,” Deuteronomy 32:4.
Sex and its pleasure is God’s perfect idea.
Sexual intimacy with your husband is much more than physical. However, there is nothing wrong with specifically seeking enhanced physical pleasure through sexual intimacy with your husband. Read the Song of Songs.
1 Corinthians 7:2-6 makes it clear that physical pleasure of both the husband and wife is of equal value. Physical pleasure is just one facet of the marriage bed. Satan convinces us that marital sex is just one dimensional and tries to blind us of the other two, emotional and spiritual. But in marriage, emotional and spiritual intimacy truly overshadows the physical.
One of Satan’s deceptions is to convince modern-day-Christian-Eve that sex is bad, naughty, dirty, nasty, etc….because physical pleasure is superficial. Physical pleasure within the marriage bed is spiritual. I have one friend who describes sexual summits she has had with her husband as transcendent. Which is exactly what I was trying to describe in my post, Supernatural Sex.
That may sound really far fetched to ladies who don’t enjoy sex. But, please open your minds to the possibility. Don’t limit your God.
“Sovereign Lord, you have begun to show to your servant your greatness and your strong hand. For what god is there in heaven or on earth who can do the deeds and mighty works you do?” Deuteronomy 3:24.
You’re just pre-orgasmic.
Have you ever considered anorgasmic women are just resting in a state of pre-orgasm? This is especially important to consider if reaching orgasm has been a desire for you. My heart aches for those I’ve sat with who have been in tears over this frustration.
There is much hope. Remember pre-orgasmia does not have to be a permanent condition. One day you will be post-orgasmic!
Pre-orgasmia means you are in a state of anticipation. Pre-orgasmia means you have an incredible journey ahead of you.
Pre-orgasmia means patience and persistence. It takes time and practice to understand the sensations. Think in terms of months.
He knows your struggles, “….for your father knows what you need before you ask him,” Matthew 6:8.
Your only assignment this week is to PRAY.
Since this introduction is running a bit long, I will post specific verses and thoughts to pray regarding pre-orgasmia tomorrow. There will be more posts in this series in the next few weeks.
Know that I am praying over you about this, sweet friend. Let me know how I can help you.
A Window Into O’s, the series:
Prayer: A Window Into O’s
The Plumbing of O’s: The Origin of Orgasm Tissue
The Plumbing of O’s: Labia Love
The Plumbing of O’s: The Vaginal Vestibule
A Key to Understanding Orgasm: The Exquisite Clitoris and Company
The “O” Zones: The Delightful Urethral Sponge
A Key to Understanding Orgasm: Deep Spots
O Explore: understanding your bodies arousal
The Effort of Ecstasy
O Potential: How the Husband Can Help
Nurturing Your Gardenia: Helpful Hints on Reaching O’s
While I think this is a good post and thought provoking, I do not agree that spiritual and emotional connection are the only end goals of sexual intimacy. We would never say that to a man, to our husbands. “Oh, sorry honey you didn’t quite get there tonight, maybe next time”, said while laying in the drowsy afterglow of orgasm. And I think many women can relate to that. 😉
The clitoris is the only organ that God designed specifically for pleasure, and only pleasure. There is no other function to it. So, if I’m going to experience all the wonderful sensations with lovemaking, I want to experience it all the way, just as my husband gets to each time. And yes, sometimes, that means taking a little longer to get there, but so be it, that’s part of the fun and beauty of making love…taking the time to pleasure each other fully.
And I often wonder what it was like for Adam and Eve before the fall. I would imagine Eve was just as capable as Adam of reaching and fully experiencing orgasm until after the fall when life set in making things harder, more time consuming, etc.
Now I do understand that reaching orgasm is not easy. I was in a 20 year abusive marriage and my ex never once tried to pleasure me. That was my ‘problem’ I was told.
In my new marriage, it took my husband and I a while to learn what helped me get there, but now that we know it makes it all the more special for us to work together to help me achieve it. And my husband has always said that helping me get there is the best foreplay he could have. 😉
Unfortunately, yes, some women just cannot orgasm for various reasons, whether physical or for lack of understanding how or not having a spouse who cares. It becomes easy to give up and think they are ‘broken’.
Here is a link to an article about why orgasm is important: http://www.engagedmarriage.com/sex-family-planning/wives-do-you-know-why-your-orgasm-matters
I hope it is okay to include this link.
I have some other thoughts, but need to run for now.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts…I really love reading your blog.
Aimee, I absolutely love that you have commented. I’m glad you’ve included that link. I read the article and it’s great. I am not offended in any way that you would take exception to my overall thought that physical pleasure is not the end goal of sexual intimacy. I think for some who are struggling with anorgasmia, it’s important to totally take the pressure off. I am not a counselor. But, I know when there is pressure to perform, some wilt. I absolutely think orgasm is important or I wouldn’t have broached the subject. However, it’s not so important as to cause anxiety so that the total experience is just one of disappointment continually. This is just the first post of a series for gals who struggle being comfortable with their sexual nature and sexual pleasure. I want to create a relaxed atmosphere. I think you’ll be pleased with the direction it will take.
Keep the thoughts coming and I pray continued blessings upon your marriage!
I totally understand where you are coming from. I have certainly been there with feeling ‘performance’ anxiety, so to speak. And actually right now struggle with it some, because of my husband working out of town 5 days a week and we only have the weekend to be sexually intimate. I feel like there is this small window I have for an O and if not this time, then it’s going to be another whole week. So, as much as I do not want to sound like I think an O is the end all of great sex with our spouse, I think it is important to work towards when possible.
And sometimes I wonder, how do we completely take the pressure off of not achieving an O?
I mean, in my first marriage it was years before I ever had an O and that was through my own self discovery. I always felt like something was missing and it just never seemed complete. I mean when the husband is constantly having these amazing climaxes, you start to wonder, am I missing something here? And then when you are able to finally experience an O, well, it is disappointing (at least for me) when it doesn’t happen each time.
For me, I want that bouquet of gardenias and jasmine, each and every time! 😉 So, does that mean I don’t spend enough time enjoying the beauty of the Iris?
I often think the reason I crave it each time is because of the infrequency of sexual intimacy. . Perhaps if sex were more a ‘sure thing’ for me (my husband usually turns me down whenever I have initiated, I have never turned him down) I wouldn’t crave it as much?? Maybe if we were making love every day or every couple days I wouldn’t feel the ‘need’ for it every time, I would feel more satisfied perhaps. And then when I say that, it makes me feel kind of shallow that I’m not just enjoying being with my husband.
Anyway, just some more scattered thoughts…obviously, something I’m working through in my own marriage right now.
🙂
I’m willing to bet you’ve been pretty comfortable with your sexuality the whole time, even when you weren’t O’ing with the first marriage. What I’m working toward in the posts will be showing how to relax and just enjoy the sensations, no expectations. But, this is for anorgasmic women. You have experienced and you crave the full bouquet and there is NOTHING wrong with that. I’m more low libido than you. I don’t need the full bouquet every time and I think that’s fine too. I think an individual’s desire to O has something to do with brain chemistry. Your brain may crave that cocktail of chemicals. And, Infrequency is probably a big part of it. There are probably other factors, but still, having a healthy sex drive toward orgasm does not make you shallow. It makes you a wonderful lover for your husband. God made that pleasure to be enjoyed!! Husbands especially love knowing they have satisfied their wives in every way.
The other part of your email about initiation, here is a very thorough post on the topic. Maybe it’ll open up some thoughts for you and your particular situation. http://peacefulwife.com/2013/05/02/the-devastation-of-sexual-rejection-in-marriage/
Hope it helps, sweet Aimee! 🙂
Thank you, Bonnie, for your kind words. I know I got off from the original intent of your post and I appreciate you allowing my comments through.
Your statement, “it makes you a wonderful lover for your husband”, really spoke to my heart. Thank you so much. 🙂
You are very welcome. I’ll be praying for your upcoming weekend. 😉
Oh, how I wish I’d had someone to encourage me to think of myself as pre-orgasmc rather than broken when I was a new wife and couldn’t get over the edge. Thank you so much for posting this encouragement for all the women who are still reaching in anticipation.
Thank you, my friend. No condition is permanent, but sometimes we sure get stuck thinking it is.
Thank you very much for this post…I do however, wish you’d gone into more detail as to how exactly orgasms can become possible! (Frustrated wife)
Dear Frustrated Wife, please stay tuned. I failed to mention that ‘A Window Into O’s’ is going to be a series. Please stay tuned, I will address you exact question very soon.
A different ANON says please, do continue! I feel so hopeless, as if I will never be able to, because I have a slight fear of orgasm – when it feels so good, I suddenly am afraid and stop. I don’t know how to not do this because I’m not even thinking about it. It just seems like orgasm will be so intense and different – while at the same time, I desire it, and desire to be fully vulnerable with my husband.
My gosh, you are missing out. The irises in my yard have a very strong, very beautiful fragrance (and I’m only referring to flowers here). So that analogy isn’t really spot-on…
–Allison