I was asked recently what advice I would have given myself as a bride. I’m sheepish to admit that I don’t fully remember my answer. But, I really hope it was something along these lines.
I wish I’d had a clue about the full meaning of sexual intimacy.
Of course, I knew the mechanics. And at that time of life, I had luscious biology going for me. It filled my newlywed days with loud cravings for sex. Even though I deeply loved my husband, I couldn’t “hear” anything other than physical satisfaction. However, when the din of hormones quieted. I found deeper meaning. (This is my experience and is not to say you can’t find deeper meaning in the midst of luscious biology.)
Sex is glorified in the media as fast and furious and so inconsequential it can be done with any ol’ person, even a friend with benefits. But, hear me, it is so much more than that.
It’s my deepest wish that I can help other newlyweds to understand the exquisite gravity sexual intimacy holds. It’s one of Satan’s favorite tools. He doesn’t want us to fully understand. (See 5 Reasons Satan Targets Marriage)
I wish I would have realized that married sex is the fullness of all things spiritual.
It is the essence of love, peace, joy, gentleness, goodness, patience, kindness, self-control, and faithfulness (Galatians 5:22&23). If God is with us everywhere, he is also in our bedroom during the ‘act of marriage.’
However, God cannot look upon sin (Habakkuk 1:13). Because of this, my other experiences before marriage were without the presence of God. That’s why I felt so shallow and empty. I was looking for God in the arms of men I wasn’t married to.
I didn’t understand that with the sanctification of the covenantal vows, sex becomes weighty with wonder because it’s experienced with the approval and presence of God. (See: I Love God’s Glory in the Bedroom)
My pre-marital sexual experiences left me feeling used. I brought those feelings into my marriage.
But, my new husband was not using me. He made the ultimate commitment to me and now was conversing with me physically. He was baring his soft underbelly of emotion every time we made love.
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I wish that I had understood that sexual intimacy is an emotional experience for my husband.
Fortunately, it has evolved into an emotional experience for me, as well.
Sex isn’t just about your nether regions joining. Sex is just as much about your spiritual and emotional selves joining.
(Listen to: Guy Talk: The Importance of Sex)
Sexual intimacy is like pixy dust that lightly lands on all areas of your marriage and gives it a little sparkle.
Sexual intimacy is like pixy dust that lightly lands on all areas of your marriage and gives it a little sparkle. Click To TweetThe temptation of selfishness sneaks in when a marriage becomes sexless. Not just infidelity, but the temptation to exclude your spouse from other important decisions of your everyday life. Without the protection of being deeply connected, personal preference may wrongly trump the one-flesh nature of marriage.
As a young bride, I couldn’t have fathomed a married life without sex because I had a physical hunger for it. However, as time goes on, there can be changes.
It would have been good for me to understand:
~ If the physical yearning fades, keep pursuing and nurturing your sexual intimacy.
~ If there is disillusionment in your spouse, keep pursuing and nurturing sexual intimacy. (I’m not talking about abusive behavior of any kind, just the disappointments of life lived with a human being that isn’t perfect.)
~ If one spouse is lower drive and the other higher drive, patience and grace is extended as solutions are created to the benefit of both (one-flesh compromises).
~ If there are problems in the marriage bed, you speak about them out loud, gently, over coffee somewhere.
~And, as sacred as sex is, you can have a lot of fun with it, too!
Growing up, my mom fostered a positive view of sexual intimacy. I just didn’t know that to neglect the marriage bed was to neglect the relationship. Then a cycle can grow, because if you neglect the relationship outside of the bedroom, you are also neglecting the atmosphere of life for sexual intimacy to thrive. The other thing I didn’t realize the spiritual nature of sexual intimacy. (Listen to this podcast about Rethinking Sexuality.)
As weird as is it is for my kids to know that their mom is a Christian intimacy writer (a.k.a. sex blogger), I feel strongly enough about their future covenant that I’m risking dedicating this to my son, the groom, and his bride. They seal their life together in 2 days.
It’s my fervent prayer that their relationship and YOURS thrive. Not just for personal happiness, but for the growth of God’s Kingdom. We need more young couples carrying Christ’s banner with joy and smiles.
And to help you understand that God celebrates and approves of married sex, see 25 Reasons God Made Sex Really Good.
Your blog is such a blessing. My husband and I have been married for 37 years. Somewhere along the line I decided that I shouldn’t have to make love to him any more, that I was done with the intimacy. I deeply regret that. It’s been almost a year now since God got my attention. I’ve had many fences to mend with him, but our marriage is improving. Your advise to all the young brides is just right. Make love to that man of yours regularly and with passion and creativity. You made a covenant between yourself, your husband, and God. Honor those vows!
I am so thankful for your awakening. It may seem like your understanding was ‘late,’ but maybe it was right on time. There are many years, yet ahead, to fill with wonder and spice. 😉 Thank you for taking the time to comment.
Excellent!! Praying for you all this weekend!!
Thank you, CB!
I have been single for 20 years. It was a choice to stay single and learn truth while my daughters grew. God used that time to cultivate the truth about love and relationships. This article it beautiful captivating the true intimate relationship God intended in marriage and His own desire for a complete intimate loving relationship with his people. Thank you.
Bless you for taking the time to find wisdom for sexual intimacy through singleness. I pray that your daughters will benefit from your wisdom. Thanks for the kind words.
Amen to this post….. I know I am a male here and I hope that is ok… I love the statement …….We need more young couples carrying Christ’s banner with joy and smiles.. Yes sex will help keep those smiles there…. When we where first married we had sex almost every day then in the later years it dropped off to about once a week, but that was not enough for me and the wife and I worked things out and she did not realize that I needed it more often and now we make love every other day.My wife is so awesome… We are trying to get a small group study going on this subject but it seems so hard to get people to open up and not be afraid to talk about sex. We should be open and willing to talk about it and help others in the church to have a mind blowing sex life.
Male perspectives are always welcome when they add depth to the conversation. Your blessing was being able to discuss your emotional needs in a way she could hear you. Praise God for that! I will pray that your small group will grow. It is hard to get people to open up. However, being brave enough to study the subject will open hearts. Hopefully, even if it doesn’t open up conversation in your group, it may open up conversation between the spouses in their homes. Thanks for your positive words! If you ever get that group going and want a special ‘presenter,’ I’d be happy to Skype in. Just email me.
I just might take you up on that offer to skype sometime with our small group… we will see how it goes… what is the best way to contact you for that.
My email is pearlmail3@gmail.com.
I spent about 5 years wandering around spiritually, and was extramarital sex pretty frequently. I had bought into the lie that sex was nothing big. When I married my husband, I was still unsaved, though he was, but my activities changed. But it wasn’t until 3 years later, when I finally came to Christ, that I was able to understand the lie this world has fed us all. Sex is the sealing of the covenant relationship that is marriage, not “friendly exercise”, as I’ve heard it put. Thank the Lord for that blessing! There is power in married sex that is nowhere else. Congratulations to your son and his bride!
Thank you, Joy, for affirming the power of married sexual intimacy and for the well wishes for my son. I hope you can have conversations in your life to share this truth with other wives. 🙂
Absolutely beautiful article, Bonny! I’ve said before that God blesses sex in marriage and that this is different than premarital sex that isn’t blessed. You really hit the nail on the head explaining that God turns his face from premarital sex.
I’m joining you in prayers for healthy Christ-centered marriages. Congrats to your son and his wife!
Jessica, thank you the kind words and joining me in prayer to strengthen Christ centered marriages!
I have been married a little over a year. During that time my husband and I have had huge disappointment in our sexual intimacy. Sex is so incredibly painful for me that I can’t even try. Prior to marriage I had a healthy sex drive after the wedding it completely disappeared. I have gone to a couple of doctors with no luck. It is something that is very hard and disappointing for both of us and we fear this will be the way it is for life. I often feel like a failuse because of that. How am I suppose to keep trying when it is so painful?
Courtney, I’m so sorry sexual intimacy has been a disappointment so far. Please have hope! Keep searching and praying for God to reveal outside-of-the-box avenues. If you would like to email me in private, my email is pearlmail3@gmail.com. I’m assuming you mean physical pain, not emotional pain. In the meantime, please read forgivenwife’s post on physical pain: http://forgivenwife.com/2015/04/05/when-it-hurts-maintaining-sexual-intimacy-while-dealing-with-pain/
Thank you for this blog! I’m a newlywed…my libido is low while my understanding and patient hubby’s is high. I kind of expected to be wanting to ‘ do it’ all the time!! Lol! Frustrated I prayed for God to help and I came across your blog!
Bella, give yourselves time to adjust to all the newness of life as a newlywed. Libido is as much about your relationship as it is physical factors. The more I feel connected with my husband the more Sexual interest I have. I hope you find the kind of things you were looking for here. God bless!
If I may I would like to share my facebook page about sex in marriage… I share links to different pages and also write a post on different topics from time to time…. https://www.facebook.com/sexinmarriage
Jim
Please keep encouraging women to address this issue! I have been married over 27 yrs. Early in our marriage, my wife told me that she would only have sex when she wanted, how she wanted, and at the pace she wanted. IF I did not like it, too bad because I agreed to be married to her. Now, she has had a hysterectomy and refuses any sexual contact for the last 5 years. I am totally miserable, but my daughters would hate me if I divorced.
I would suggest you also read the Forgiven Wife blog.
I am so thankful I am learning that sex is an emotional experience for my husband so early in our marriage (I wish I would’ve known before we got married!). Between the book No More Headaches by Dr Juli Slattery and your blog I’m learning so much about my husband. It completely changes my views on sex and makes me realize how important it is for our marriage to thrive. Thank you!
Thank you for having an open heart to seek and learn. You are blessing your marriage more than you know!