Remember that tv show, House?  Dr. House and his staff dug deep beyond the obvious to root out the cause for strange medical problems.  It’s one of my top 10 all-time favorite tv shows because it (almost) always answers my favorite question, “Why?”

To truly heal a person, you must know the foundational or root cause.  The root cause answers, “Why is this happening?”  And if you’ve been reading my blog for any amount of time, you’ll know my favorite question is nearly always, “why?”  Because in knowing why, we can start to heal.

(Although, I realize sometimes God calls us to things without our knowing why because, “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts,” Isaiah 55:9, NIV.)

There is a difference between cause and symptom. 

A symptom is a consequence of the root cause.  If you have a bacterial infection, generally, you will run a fever.  Symptom management, such as taking ibuprofen to reduce a fever or taking a cough suppressant to reduce coughing, is not the same as tackling what caused the fever or cough, in the first place.  Tackling the cause involves antibiotics to kill the invading bacteria.

However, symptom management is sometimes all we can do because we are clueless as to why something is happening, especially when dealing with the trickier things of life, not just physical ailments.

You have to dig deeper.

In regard to my husband’s porn problem, we stumbled along employing symptom management because we had no idea the root cause.  He managed his temptation through accountability software and other deterrents.

Internet accountability software is not the answer to healing a marriage from porn addiction, it’s only a deterrent.  Clever people know that all you have to do is watch a youtube video to learn out how to beat the system.

Now, HEAR ME, I am not negating the use of accountability software.  It has its worth in rebuilding trust after a porn problem has come to light.  However, the goal for marriages dealing with porn isn’t just sin management, but true sin annihilation.  A healing of that magnitude can happen but, you must dig deeper to figure out how to treat the cause, as well as, calling out and relying upon the Lord.

As you continue reading, know that I’m not justifying the use of pornography.  I’m trying to help you unravel the mystery of this sin.  You see, as I’ve said often, every porn viewer who sits in church on Sunday knows it’s a sin but continues.  Why can’t they easily stop?  I hope this partly explains to you why.

One root cause of sexual and porn compulsion.

The root cause of porn viewing is not simplistic, just like most of House’s medical cases were nothing near simple.

One of the root causes of overwhelming lust begins early in childhood.  At a time when children should be learning to relate to friends and deal with conflict in relatively healthy ways, some children are just trying to emotionally survive neglect or abuse at home.  Possibly, they are being bullied by other children at school and are also trying to navigate that humiliation.

“Pornography is alluring to most of us, but it is particularly devastating to those suffering with unaddressed trauma,” Jay Stringer in his book, Unwanted.

“Nearly always, intimacy avoidant adults have suffered chronic attachment trauma during childhood via repeated physical neglect, psychosocial neglect (emotional and cognitive unavailability), emotional abuse, physical abuse, and/or sexual abuse (overt or covert) perpetrated by parents, siblings, or other relatives. (Chronic early-life attachment trauma can also occur at the hands of teachers, coaches, clergy, bullies, and others.) It is possible for chronic attachment trauma to happen even when the individual is not directly victimized. For example, children who witness domestic violence may not have the abuse directed at them specifically, but they nonetheless suffer by living in a fear-based, unpredictable environment,” Robert Weiss, sex/love/porn addiction specialist (see full article here.)

For those children who are enduring intense emotional upheaval in their lives, stumbling upon pornography is like finding their long lost security blanket.  Pornograph, with its intense pleasurable physiological response, becomes a place of secret comfort for these children.  It asks nothing in return other than just showing up.  In fact, viewing porn results in not only surges of feel good dopamine, but the release of oxytocin, the bonding chemical.  So, little children who should learn to bond with special people in their life are bonding with an image (Brain Chemicals and Porn – Covenant Eyes).

This place of deep pain and the use of porn as a mechanism of comfort gets carried into adulthood. In other words, it medicates the pain.  But, something else happens, too.  Porn wrecks the child’s emotional ability to relate and bond with others. The child grows into an adult whose emotional life isn’t fully formed and brings an intimacy disorder into adulthood.

Porn feels intimate, but in actuality it trains a person’s mind to think that sexual gratification comes with no demands on their emotions according to this study.  Dr. Mary Anne Layden states pornography is, “a toxic miseducation of sex and relationships.”  Could the idea that no demands are placed on him also carry over into other aspects of his life?  Possibly.

Porn’s affects do not have to be permanent.  Emotional maturity can be nurtured.  Ideas on how to do this deserves its own post.  For now, check out, “Sex, God, and Men,” by Douglas Weiss.  It’s an older book, but has some great emotional exercises in it.  Also by Douglas Weiss, “Emotional Fitness.”

Remember, it’s always a good idea to find a Christian Counselor who specializes in porn addictions for guidance.

Another cause of porn viewing

We were made to crave.

We were designed with a deep yearning in the innermost part of our soul, male and female alike.  God gave us this deep yearning coupled with free-will.  We can freely choose how we satisfy this hunger.

Some people search books for wisdom to satisfy this hunger.  Some people skydive and race fast cars because they think adrenaline will satisfy them.  Some people view pornography thinking this will fill the void.

The truth is far more holy.

“What else does this craving, and this helplessness, proclaim but that there was once in man a true happiness, of which all that now remains is the empty print and trace? This he tries in vain to fill with everything around him, seeking in things that are not there the help he cannot find in those that are, though none can help, since this infinite abyss can be filled only with an infinite and immutable object; in other words by God himself.” Blaise Pascal, Pensées VII(425)

Only God fills the void.

God not only fills the void, but God wants you to seek him.

“…he is not served by human hands, as if he needed anything. Rather, he himself gives everyone life and breath and everything else.  From one man he made all the nations, that they should inhabit the whole earth; and he marked out their appointed times in history and the boundaries of their lands.  God did this so that they would seek him and perhaps reach out for him and find him, though he is not far from any one of us,” Acts. 17:25-27.

There is only one thing that will truly satisfy your deep longing and it is not thrills, or food, or naked bodies.

Jesus answered, “It is written: ‘Man shall not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God,'” Matthew 4:4.

Just knowing the facts and figures and rules of the Bible are not going to fill the void.  What fills the void is stepping into the presence of Father, Son, and Holy Spirit in prayer and asking to be shown how to develop a more intimate relationship with Jesus Christ.

And of course, I can’t close out this section without mentioning my favorite book on this topic, “Surfing for God,” by Michael Cusick.  It’s a must read.  Or, listen to one of his podcast episodes at, Restoring the Soul.  Although not all the episodes are about porn, they all deal with satisfying the deep spiritual longing.

Now, move forward

You may think he watches porn because he’s highly sexual.  What if he’s highly sexual because childhood trauma and soul craving led him to look for healing in that place?  Being highly sexual isn’t the problem.  The problem is that love was awakened before it’s due time.

“Do not stir up or awaken love until the appropriate time,” Song of Solomon 8:4 (Holman Christian Study Bible).

In knowing some of the root cause, I had greater empathy for my husband and saw that his pornography use was not about me.  Knowing this helped us look in the right direction for discovering tools specifically tailored to help conquer my pain of betrayal and his compulsion. Maybe you can find your way to understanding and healing, too, by pondering what your husband’s root cause might be.

Use this info as a starting to point.  Here are some helpful resources.  Each resource has lots of great articles on recovery and other general info about pornography.  All point toward healing through Christ with no shaming.

Books to understand the root cause better

Unwanted: How Sexual Brokenness Reveals Our Way To Healing – by Jay Stringer, a pastor and licensed mental health counselor (LMHC).

Surfing for God: Discovering Divine Desire Beneath Your Sexual Struggle – by Michael Cusick (LMFT), the spiritual battle of pornography.

Sex, God, and Men: A Godly Man’s Roadmap To Sexual Success – Dr. Doug Weiss, GREAT INFO on understanding sex and chemical bonding.

Emotional Fitness: From Challenge to Champion in 60 Days – Dr. Doug Weiss, teaches how to identify emotions and intimacy.

Rethinking Sexuality: God’s Design And Why It Matters – Dr. Juli Slattery, understanding the spiritual nature of sexuality.

Ministries

Covenant Eyes Blog

Be Broken Ministries – This was founded for men and has a special resource just for wives.

Strong Wives – Strong wives rise above the plague of pornography

Hope for Spouses – For wives who have suffered betrayal through infidelity or pornography addiction written by Kim Pullen.  She does not use the betrayal trauma model but is a very good resource for support.

FROM THE PODCAST (Sex Chat for Christian Wives):  Three Conversations about Porn.  

Part 1 – Listen as Bonny shares the complete story of her marriage’s struggle with porn.

Part 2 – Bonny concludes her story

Part 3 – Healing after Porn

Related Posts

Waging War

Porn Plagued Us Until This Happened

Finding Courage to Face the Pain of Pornography

First Steps in Battling Pornography

 

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