I like to know, “Why?”
And I lean toward the scientific side.
When my libido did a Houdini and disappeared, I wondered whether I’d ever again physically yearn for sex and questioned why a libido was necessary? I went as far to question why sex was even necessary. My husband and I were done pro-creating by mutual agreement. Sex was important to him, but was it necessary? Why is it so important to most men?
Yes, the Bible counsels it to be so:
“…Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come back together again so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. I say this as a concession, not as a command,” 1 Corinthians 7:5&6.
But, WHY??
Why is pornography such a lucrative business?
Why do most men have this innate need?
“Their brains are wired differently,” you may answer.
Yes, but HOW??
Thus began my quest in understanding a few why’s about sex.
Male/female brains share the same structure and chemicals. However, male brains contain a different ratio of chemicals and different sizes of structure. These differences in large part, explain the basic natures in men and women; why men like hunting, sports and military video games and why women nurture young and enjoy conversation.
For example: The Corpus callosum connects the right and left hemispheres of the brain. The Corpus callosum helps the two hemispheres ‘talk’ with one another. Women have 6 or 7 language centers in both hemispheres to process and verbalize. The male Corpus callosum is 25% smaller than the female’s. He also only does language in the left hemisphere, in part because the smaller Corpus callosum doesn’t communicate as effectively.
The amygdale is larger in men. Part of the amygdala’s function involves aggression.
The hippocampus is smaller in men. Part of the hippocampus’ function involves retaining new memories and their emotional responses.
It was in the chemical arena that I found my answers!
Male brains feel the effects of oxytocin less than women because estrogen ramps up the effect of oxytocin and women have lots of estrogen. Men also have less serotonin. Both are calming and bonding chemicals. Oxytocin is divine, drenching us in feelings of calm, happy and connected. It is because of the lower response to oxytocin (due to less estrogen in their bodies) that it takes a man longer to form emotional bonds.
For women, conversation is a key distributor of oxytocin. If she talks out her troubles to a friend, her brain releases oxytocin. However, for a man conversation can be frustrating. Most men, not all, find other ways to relax.
However, at the time of male orgasm, oxytocin is felt more strongly. At the time of orgasm, our men feel complete bonding with us. At the time of orgasm, their brains are happy as clams!
That’s all I needed to know. Libido and sex are important because that’s how my husband bonds with me. Maybe God designed sex for connecting?
This epiphany was another confirmation to me of how our Lord knows us and loves us. He gives us mandates for our benefit.
“Praise the Lord, my soul, all my inmost being praise his holy name. Praise the Lord, my soul, and forget not all his benefits. Who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, who satisfies your desire with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s,” Psalm 103:1-5.
At the time I was researching this, neither my husband nor I felt safe, secure, or significant to the other at the time. We were living separate lives. I desperately wanted to feel connected on a deep level with him.
With this new information, God was healing our marriage and at the same time satisfying my desire. He was helping me understand a little secret. Sexual intimacy is the mystery Paul was explaining in Ephesians 5:32. Isn’t Christ connected to his church? That’s the kind of connection sexual intimacy creates between husband and wife.
As crazy as it sounds, having this biological understanding of sex made me a better person. I became more empathetic. I held less disdain and became more empathetic to male sexual need (but not condoning acts outside of God’s guidelines).
Sex is more than a physical union, there is a spiritual and emotional aspect. But, it helped me immensely to see the underlying physical processes.
This may all sound very clinical, but it screamed romance to me!
Now, I began to wonder, if oxytocin had benefits for him, perhaps there were some benefits for me, as well? What could sexual intimacy supply me spiritually and physically? Could sex be for me, too?
Thus began my libido resuscitation, as I tried to figure out why sex was a problem.
Are you trying to jumpstart your libido? I found mine and would like to help you find yours. I wrote a book to help you. It is called, Unlock Your Libido.
The Podcast
Hear what average guys say sex means to them on the podcast, Sex Chat for Christian Wives. Episode 12: Guy Talk – The Importance of Sex.
Other Resources
Brain Connectivity: Gender Makes a Difference
Read more about the marvelous male brain, “What Can He Be Thinking?” by Michael Gurian.
See Oxytocin – its role in male reproduction for more information about this powerful neurotransmitter.
Want to understand orgasm better? Check out The Effort of Ecstasy.
Wonderful! I wish there were more articles like this. Unfortunately for me, I only reclaimed my libido after my marriage was over and I fell in love with someone else. But thanks to articles like this, I do NOT intend to let that happen again. Desiring someone else is complicated after many years together. In my opinion the key is that you stay in ‘tune’. Understanding the differences between men and women is key. Don’t assume that just because you love each other, everything will follow.
Thank you for your supportive comment. You are right, just because you love someone doesn’t mean there isn’t going to be work to keep the relationship strong. Blessings to you!
Pearl – This pre-dates my reading your blog; so glad I saw a link to it!
You did a great job with this, both the science and explaining it. I wish women understood what you are say. I wish men understood the converse too!
Thank you, Paul. It was one of my greatest epiphanies and a turning point in our marriage. I pray that God will use these words to help other women have an ah-hah moment. With CMBA, we’ll keep banging the gong!
Thank you for this important post. Many wives tend to think their husbands are animals or jerks because of our overwhelming desire/need for sexual release. This certainly puts things into perspective in a clear, scientific way. It’s glorious how God works through science!
The information you shared here is something all married couples need to hear. I also wholeheartedly agree with Paul that the converse should also be understood (and practiced) by husbands. Nice work!
T B
http://genuinehusband.blogspot.com
T B, thank you for your comment. God constantly amazes me through science! You and Paul are right, it takes two. males and females are just so different, it’s hard to intuitively understand and we have to work at it.
My husband just said to me this weekend, “I love making you feel good!” I love that! Thankfully, we both get it! LOL
🙂 That’s fantastic! I pray God will send you marriages to mentor! Blessings to you.
Awesome post, Pearl! I think many women do struggle to understand the scientific side and are honestly intimidated by it. Also there is the fact that if you find out these things, then you can no longer claim ignorance. Regardless of what is hindering wives, it is a heart issue with God. It wasn’t until I was open to God’s design for me as a wife and what that meant for sex and intimacy that I began to enjoy and understand my hubby sexually. I think it is just so neat, God used the science of how he created men and women to bring that all around in your heart! Thanks so much for sharing! 🙂 Kate
Hi Kate! You are right, no matter how God works on a particular wife’s heart, it’s all about embracing God’s design for marital intimacy! Thank you so much for your encouragement.
I’m also amazed by the power of touch in our humanity: it’s a medical fact that babies will literally die if they are not touched enough, and touch is equally critical for the elderly–they need that reassurance and compassion. It’s one reason why massage can be so therapeutic in relieving stress and anxiety (and many other related health problems, such as circulation).
There was nothing lewd or sexual about it, but after more than twenty years, I still vividly remember being hugged by a gal my age I was friends with who was saying goodbye to me as her family had to move (we both attended the same church). Just the fact that she cared enough to hug me had a huge impact on me. I can’t imagine the kind of impact intimacy in marriage must be like with someone who genuinely loves you enough to spend their life with you.
One thing to add Pearl….from a mans point. So many posts show men as “Needing sexual release” as if the orgasm is the only thing we desire. Maybe for some this is true, but not for all. My male need for sex involves the process. The longing. The desire to BE desired. The willingness to put aside the things of the day and be focused on. Sure sometimes it is about the realease, but I think that may be true for both sexes. Sometimes, men may need to be treated the same way YOU would like to be treated…..and not in a superficial way. You can tell when its superficial, and I dare say so can we.
Thank-you for seeking to understand and love your husband. He is a very blessed man to have a wife who cares so much about him. The post by Anonymous above is so, so true. Male sexual desire is primarily an emotional need, met through physical expression, that only a wife can provide. I don’t know that women can fully understand the power for Good, for God’s great grace, they can have in their husbands lives – but it warms me to see that even if not fully understanding, you’ve chosen to believe it and to respond accordingly. God’s blessings to you!
Wow!
What makes things even worse as a man is if you’re on Sertraline, like I’ve been for the last several years, which inhibits the flow of seratonin.
I’m sorry to hear this. Have you spoken with your doctor about how to address the side effects?
One thing that I’ve found really helps was when I started writing again–first with fanfiction, and then working on a manuscript that I’m working to get published. Since I started with that, things seem to have greatly improved. 🙂
Well this explains a lot 🙂 Thanks for sharing.
Erlene, I was amazed and thought other wives should be in on the secret, too! 🙂
Pretty good job on the article, but you made one error; the Scripture you quoted above from 1 Corinthians 7 was misinterpreted. Verse 6 has NOTHING to do with verse 1-5 as verses 6 talks about a concession and not a command, whereas verse 1-5 are written quite clearly in form of a command- “1 Now concerning the things of which you wrote to me: “It is good for a man not to touch a woman.” 2 Nevertheless, because of sexual immorality, let each man have his own wife, and let each woman have her own husband. 3 Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband. 4 The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. 5 Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer, and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”
Given their demanding, DO and DON’T DO style of writing, you would create an oxymoron by trying to apply verse 6 to the first five verses. Verse 6 is a lead-in verse to verses 7-9 where Paul writes about celibacy-“7 For I wish that all men were even as I myself. But each one has his own gift from God, one in this manner and another in that. 8 But I say to the unmarried and to the widows: “It is good for them if they remain even as I am, 9 but if they cannot exercise self-control, let them marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion.” Particularly, verse 7 is the bulk of Paul concession, but its not about sexual denial or marriage, but rather about celibacy. Other than that, good job.
Thank you for your comment. I’m a little distressed that this issue was distracting for you. The point of this article is for wives who are struggling with libido to understand the importance of sexual intimacy in their marriage. I went to an author/speaker who has been studying marital sexuality for 2 decades, Paul Byerly (www.the-generous-husband.com) for an interpretation of this passage because I found even in old and respected concordances differing opinions about this verse. Here’s what Paul has to say and I defer to him.
“As you may guess we have studied this passage a great deal.
Verse six in the ESV says “Now as a concession, not a command, I say this.” The “this” is the previous statement, verse 5.
The back story is the key here. Paul is responding to a question presented to him. There were those (Gnostics) who said sex should be limited or avoid in marriage in order to be more spiritual. Paul has already said this is wrong in verses 1-4. He then gives the concession – a couple may avoid sex for “a season” (a fixed time) provided they both agree to do it, and they avoid sex for the express purpose of devoting themselves to prayer. The Majority Texts say “prayer and fasting” which certainly limits the duration!
Paul wants to point out he is NOT commanding a couple to do this, rather he is making a concession for those who feel they should. I read it as a begrudging concession, but that is beyond what the text says,” Paul Byerly.
Great insights Bonny. I think that we do have to understand how the other person connects emotionally. Women do struggle to understand that with their husbands, so it really helps you to put forth more effort when you get it.