Should wives with low sexual interest consider adventure in the bedroom?

Although this blog is intended for wives with low sexual interest, a lot of their husbands are reading, too.  Husbands are trying to figure out their wives. Here’s a message I recently received from one husband (edited for privacy).

My wife and I have been happily married for over 25 years.  Neither of us have sexual baggage and there has never been infidelity.  However, the problem is our sexual intimacy is extremely predictable and routine.  I flirt with her throughout the day and we have code words.  But, when it comes to sex it is the same way every time.  I have tried to talk to her about being adventurous.  But, I can tell you that even after all these years, anything out of the ordinary seems wrong to her.  Of course, I don’t want her to do anything that goes outside of her conscience or makes her just feel like an object for my pleasure.  We have studied the Song of Solomon and a couple of other Christian sex blogger books, but nothing is working.  I don’t know what to do.  If you have any tips or advice, I’d be extremely grateful.

Signed,

A Loving Husband who wants a little adventure

In reading through this message, it appears this marriage is not struggling with frequency, but two other things.  First, lack of variety, and second, the wife feels uncomfortable with maneuvers outside of their normal routine.

Let’s consider a couple of really positive things.

Sex is mutual.

A successful marriage is built upon two people feeling like their needs are generally heard, valued, and understood.  This means that the needs and wants of both spouses should be taken seriously, inside or outside of the bedroom.

“Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit.
Rather, in humility value others above yourselves,” Philippians 2:3.

Neither spouse gets to act selfishly.  Each spouse must consider the other spouse with kindness and humility.  A husband’s bedroom desires do not have greater priority than his wife’s, each are valued equally.

So, we take his request seriously, but not to the detriment of his wife.  It’s OK to want something a little different in the bedroom.

Although sex is mutual, the way a husband and wife “gets in the mood” is typically different.  Husbands, please understand your low drive wives.  Read:  Rethinking low libido:  Are you low libido or a normal woman?

Sexual Objectification

The husband here does not want his wife to feel like an object and I commend that.

When there is little emotional connection outside of the bedroom, a wife can feel like her higher drive husband is only interested in her body.  One way for a high drive husband to gauge if he’s emotionally connecting with his wife is to ask her!  I think a lot of high drive husbands think they are emotionally connecting with their wives (and kudos for the effort!), when in reality they are not.  This is because they are not connecting in a way that the wife finds meaningful.

Emotionally connecting outside of the bedroom is imperative because it greatly influences a wife with low sexual interest.  Emotional connection helps her feel valued and bonded to her husband.  It also helps sexual interest bloom.

Emotional connection will happen the fastest if you are speaking her “love language.”  See:  Why Knowing Your Low Drive Wife’s Love Language Is Important

Any form of pressure to perform a certain way in the bedroom smothers and extinguishes sexual interest for a low drive wife.

Unfortunately, we don’t get the wife’s viewpoint on this.  But, I expect, if she struggles with sexual feelings, the kind of request made by this husband can feel like pressure.  Pressure extinguishes sexual feelings because it creates anxiety.

We also don’t know exactly what kind of adventure this husband is seeking.   I am assuming, since information I edited out lets me know he’s a devoutly Christian man, he just wants to mix up positions, locations, or fun attire.

If you are a husband reading this who wants to dabble in something else, see: The Back Door.

Sexual adventure thrives in an atmosphere of sexual freedom.

To influence a wife to consider the possibility of variety, she needs to find the exact opposite of anxiety – sexual freedom.  Sexual freedom is feeling care-free in the bedroom, not worrying about what you are doing or not doing, or how you look.

This husband writes that things outside of the ordinary “seem wrong” to his wife.  I think he needs to clarify this with her.  Does she feel that things are going against her values or is she just uncomfortable feeling clumsy with new things?  Either of these reasons, however, will bring on anxiety.

Identifying what “seems wrong” to her is a starting point toward tailoring solutions that will help her find her sexual freedom.

Sexual freedom blossoms with trust.

If a higher drive husband really wants to nurture an atmosphere of sexual freedom, he has to earn her trust.  She has to trust that he takes her anxiety seriously and she has to trust that he values her inner being more than he values a sexual extravaganza.  See:  Trust.

Can she trust you to take her needs outside of the bedroom seriously?  Has she asked things of you outside of the bedroom that you have failed to meet?

Can she trust you to be her friend?  Do you give her your full undivided attention when she is talking to you?  Are you pleasant with her or are you grumpy most of the time?

Can she trust you with her heart?  When she confides in you that she is scared or anxious or concerned do you give her a big comforting hug or try to solve her anxiety?  Solving her problem is not what she wants (at least not initially).  She wants you to hear her negative emotions and comfort her.  Comfort does not come through solutions (typically).  Comfort comes from saying, “I’m trying to understand your feelings and I am here for you.”

When my husband would get frustrated with me, his tone of voice becomes hard and he is less affectionate.  This shuts me down.

So, how can we dissolve pressure, develop sexual freedom and agree to some variety in the bedroom?

Think outside of the bedroom.

For a wife with low sexual interest, what goes on outside of the bedroom greatly influences what goes on inside the bedroom.  In fact, the atmosphere outside the bedroom not only influences but overflows into the bedroom.

I know that for some higher drive husbands this seems absolutely counter intuitive.  But, that’s why you read my blog, right?  Because you are baffled and want insight into the workings of a wife with low sexual interest.  I’m here to tell you that fancy bedroom maneuvers aren’t going to spring to life without a deep trusting connection outside of the bedroom.

Finding a Spirit of Adventure

Aside from the emotional connection piece, what is your life like outside of the bedroom?

If your life is boring outside of the bedroom, it’s hard to ask for it to be exciting inside the bedroom.

Start adding adventure into your life.  It doesn’t have to include insane adrenal rushes.  Merely drive to a beautiful spot, enjoy a sunset, take a walk through the woods.  Go to an escape room event.  Try a new restaurant that serves exotic or gourmet food.  Basically, try something new and fun outside of the bedroom at least once a month.  Doing new and fun things together will build emotional connection as well as a spirit of adventure!

As an added bonus, new and novel experiences are also good for lifting sex drive!

Final Thoughts

First, to build emotional connection and trust, I suggest this book:  Intimacy: 100 Day Guide to Lasting Relationships by Dr. Doug Weiss.

Second, to find adventure, do a google search for activities in your area. There are calendars of events easily found on the internet.  Here is an example:  https://www.knoxvilleweekend.com

Groupon is a great place to get big discounts on local activities and restaurants.  Ever had a couple’s massage?  Groupon has them!

Whatever activities you and your wife decide to do, be relaxed and have lots of laughs.  This spirit of adventure will follow you into all other areas of your life, I promise!

Third, to reduce anxiety and build sexual freedom, I suggest you have a laid back conversation with your wife. Tell her you love her whether she wants to join you in this bedroom adventure or not.  But, that you would really like to have these experiences with her.  NO PRESSURE.

Ask her if there is anything she would like YOU to do different (in the bedroom).  Ask her to please tell you in a gentle way, if there is.  Then, receive her words with no reaction, do not be grumpy if it is something you don’t like hearing.  Maybe you have been doing a “move” that she doesn’t like.  Give her permission to speak honestly.  This will go a long way to building trust, if you can accept her words with graciousness.

As a suggestion, bring three relatively tame bedroom ideas with you when you have this conversation.  Give her the three suggestions and ask her to pick the one she likes the best to try.  If she hates all three suggestions, ask her to brainstorm with you.  Working as a team is the best way to build adventure.

Baby steps are important here.  Although, you may be wanting to make a giant leap for mankind, small increments will release tension.  Once she is successful with a small step and feels comfortable, then move on to the next.

Also see:  He Wants a Wild-Cat in Bed, That’s Just Not Me.

Fourth, pray!  Not only for a spirit of adventure, but for a spirit of unity between you and your wife.  This verse is a great starting point,

“Therefore if you have any encouragement in Christ, if any comfort from His love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any affection and compassion, then make my joy complete by being of one mind, having the same love, being united in spirit and purpose,” Philippians 2:1&2.

You can work on all four of these areas simultaneously!  But, be aware this leap from anxiety to freedom can take a while (maybe up to a year).  Just be patient.  Listen to her and encourage her in life in general (not just the bedroom!)

And remember, there are lots of marriages out there suffering from FREQUENCY and the thought of variety is on a planet far far away.  So, for husbands who have frequency but are still dissatisfied, here’s one of my favorite quotes, “A lot of vanilla sex is still a lot of sex,” Paul Byerly.

One last question for the husbands who desire variety.  What is your motivation to find adventure?  If it’s because you just want to get out of a rut, that’s understandable.  Many people have brains that get bored and need the stimulation variety provides.

However, if you’ve been secretly watching pornography, know that this is not a godly motivation for finding adventure.  Pornography will destroy any emotional connection you may have because real life will never live up to pornographic depiction.

“Pornography is generally thought of as a solitary activity yet our research shows the more frequent viewing of the pornography is associated with greater reliance on and preference for the pornographic script during interpersonal sexual encounters.”  Jennifer Johnson, PhD, Department of Sociology, Virginia Commonwealth University.

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