How many times have you been reluctant to have sex because you were tired, or stressed, or it just didn’t spark your interest at the moment and then, once you engaged, you got into it?
If you’ve felt this way, you are not alone! I feel this way frequently and have heard from many other wives who have the exact same experience.
You know why there are so many of us experiencing the same thing? Because, that is generally how women work. (I say generally, because there are women who don’t work this way. Some rarely fire up even after engaging and some are on fire before anything ever starts.)
Women are different from men.
I watched a BBC show on Masterpiece Theatre recently that ticked me off. First, I was blind-sided by an erotic scene (even though all clothes stayed on and no flesh was seen) and the woman orgasmed almost instantaneously. My dogs went and hid when I shouted to no one and yet to everyone, “NO, NO, NO! This is not how it works! No wonder so many women feel defeated when it comes to sex!”
Society as a whole (men and women) have come to think that women should respond to sexual touch and sexual thought in this instantaneous manner and that orgasm seamlessly follows. It’s just not true! Most men may work like that, but the vast majority of women do not.
Don’t Take My Word For It
Scientists and doctors knew something was askew when women didn’t fit into the description about sexual experience as Masters & Johnson hypothesized in 1966. This model states sexual experience moves through four steps; arousal (feeling the desire), plateau (enjoying the sexual act and building tension), orgasm, and resolution.
Masters & Johnson were convinced people always move in that order….arousal, plateau, orgasm, and resolution. If you didn’t feel sexual desire before you started engaging sexually, you were labeled dysfunctional.
But, there was a problem after a little while. The medical community began identifying almost as many women sexually dysfunctional as sexually normal. This raised questions. How can there be such a low percentage of women functioning normally as defined by Masters & Johnson? Does the four step idea precisely reflect the female experience?
The answer is the old four step model is not how women work! Typically, for women, the interest in being sexual follows different steps from men and that is OK! (Society, however, hasn’t caught on to this fact, yet, hence the misconstrued Masterpiece Theatre show.)
Fortunately, the scientific community has taken action to figure why women don’t fit into the four step sexual response cycle.
Rethinking Low Libido
With the old model being taught, a wife with a higher drive spouse just figures she is abnormally low on the sexuality scale. Since we don’t have sexual thoughts pulling at us all day, we must be low libido, right? No, we’re just typical women!
You don’t experience spontaneous sexual desire at the mere mention of penises and vaginas? Words like vixen and moist don’t get your engine revved? Then, you are more normal than you probably thought!
“Although many women may experience spontaneous desire and interest in a new sexual relationship or after a long separation from a partner, in long-term relationships they do not frequently think of sex or have spontaneous hunger and need for sexual activity,” Basson.
Sexual desire is not spontaneous for most women in long-term relationships. It is responsive, meaning other things need to be in place for the sexual willingness to grow. It largely depends upon how close you feel to your husband and how good you feel about your relationship with your husband. It also depends on your general stress level, how positive you feel about your body, your mental outlook, and your beliefs about sex in general from past experiences.
Being “turned on” is not usually where sexual engagement starts for women. It is Sexual Interest. According to the revised sexual response model developed specifically from studying women in-depth, it all starts with the “willingness to become receptive.” (See What Is Sexual Interest and Why Should I Care?)
*Figure above modified from 2013 scholarly article cited below.
Reframing the facts about a wife’s sexual response.
It was thought the world was flat. Wrong.
It was thought draining blood would cure illness. Wrong.
It was thought night air was bad to breathe. Wrong.
It was thought physical feelings of sexual “steaminess” preceded engagement whether you were male or female. Wrong.
It took a while for the entire culture to embrace and accept the world was a sphere, draining blood did more harm than good, and the night air was perfectly fine.
I imagine it will take some time for our current culture to embrace and accept the fact that for the majority of wives the “on” button is through her heart, not her glands.
Final Thoughts
God in his ironic, weird, illogical, and infinite wisdom made husbands and wives different. It would be so much easier if we agreed on how much sex to have, what color to paint the bedroom, which car to buy, how to discipline the kids, and when to turn the tv off to go to bed, wouldn’t it?
Is easier really better? I think we are called to keep growing our entire life. Growing includes seeing things from another’s viewpoint. Growing includes having compassion. Growing also includes saying some hard things in a diplomatic, loving, and kind way. Growing, for Christians, is always founded on scripture.
Friend, it is OK that you have a very different sexual response than your husband. You are not flawed or broken, you’re normal! Now, you are armed with the knowledge that growing your interest in having bedroom time means other elements of your marriage need nurtured.
I hope this article can spur conversation in a mismatched marriage. I hope that wives will understand themselves better. Just because the thought of sexual intimacy doesn’t drive you wild with tingles in your girly parts, doesn’t mean that sexual intimacy won’t benefit you and your marriage. I hope husbands will understand their wives better and try to build a better friendship with her.
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*The majority of the scientific content of this post comes from this scholarly article meta-review:
Damjanović A., Duišin, D., & Barišić, J. (2013). The Evolution of the Female Sexual Response Concept: Treatment Implications. Serbian Archives of General Medicine, 3-4, 268-274.
https://pdfs.semanticscholar.org/dd96/ec72c6225b7a905fourf509four8c212c0acfour3a92e.pdf
Also see:
Love Like A Woman (Your Sexual Response Is Not Like Your Husband)
Magical Thinking About Your Sex Life?
Sex Chat for Christian Wives Podcast: Women’s Sexual Response
I love this post so much. Beautifully said, Bonny! And I’m glad to know that I’m not the only one who yells at shows (and books) during the sex scenes. “What?! That’s not how it works!” Lol.
Thanks, my friend. Yeah, there’s a lot of talking to the screen when it comes to Hollywood “lovemaking.” Ha!
Bravo, Bonnie! And thank you. What you are doing is of great encouragement to wives. Oh, and I love your descriptive words. Girly parts–that’s cute!
One very important thing I’ve learned here that I truly wish I’d know many years ago, is it seems that bedtime is a terrible time of the day for sex for many ladies. Unfortunately, because we men are so very different, it seems at least for me that my body almost always became highly aroused at the same time my wife just needed to get some much needed sleep. Ladies, just know that we men are sometimes totally unaware of your reality and need your patience in such things. I now realize that while I could just roll over and snooze my wife was left fully awakened and basically unable to.
Thanks again, Bonny.
Thank you so much for this wonderful and informative post Bonny! Prayerfully this will help men and women realize that it is not a “touch & go” for women, but rather an intentional process that begins well before the bedroom part even starts.
“An intentional process,” I love that, Stu. You are exactly right.
Great post, Bonny. So lovely to see someone sharing the truth about arousal for women.
Thank you so very much, Lori. Yes, this truth needs to soak into the sheets of our society!
This is a great article. But alas, it confirms what I have always suspected. That I am an ABnormal woman. I would love to be a woman with a low libido, or actually – a NORMAL woman. I would love to be able to be patient and wait for my husband to pursue me. I’ve spent years trying to make peace with the fact that my sex drive seems spontaneous and his seems to be responsive. It makes me feel ugly, ugly, ugly. I know God knows best, but I often wondered why we are so mismatched. I’m sure there must be something I’m supposed to learn from being the abnormal one, but I haven’t quite figured it out yet.
Thankfully my husbands drive has seemed to increase a bit, but I can’t seem to decrease my desire for him, no matter what I try. I hate that I still flirt with him and come on to him. He says he loves it, but I wish I had more patience and could just wait patiently until he decides I’ve become good enough or interesting enough for him to come on to me first. I envy normal women. I’d trade libidos in a second. I’d love to be normal. I’d love to be desireable. I’d love to know what it’s like to feel like a real woman who is wooed by her man.
Becca, you’ve been with me as a faithful reader for nearly my entire 6 years as a blogger. You know my heart. My intention is to never compel anyone to feel ugly or undesirable, “less than.”
You know, the author of the gospel of Matthew was written for the Jewish audience. Mark was written for the Roman gentile audience. Luke was written for the gentile Greeks from a historical and scientific frame. And John, well, he was written for everyone but in a different way. What I’m getting at is not that I’m on par with the writers of the gospel, but I write for a specific audience.
As much as I value you and would love to help you see outside of your current mindset (you are NOT ugly, you are NOT undesirable), you also need to be aware of your triggers. I know that some of what I’ve written has been helpful to you. But, I also know that some of what I’ve written, which encourages others, makes you feel bad. When something I’ve written makes you wince, quickly say a prayer that the Holy Spirit will fill you with his truth, and don’t read the rest.
The four gospels give us the full picture of Jesus Christ. But, each gospel individually is just a slice of the pie! Just like my blog and the low drive women I speak to are just a slice of the Christian sexuality pie. You KNOW there are tons of high drive wives out there. While I believe what I’ve written in this post is accurate, it doesn’t reflect ALL experiences. There are three other slices of pie! (I have tried very hard to use qualifying language because there is no “always/never,” in anything!)
I know that you love Jesus! I love you because you are my sister in Christ. I wish I could help you see how valuable you are. But, the only one who can help you do that, truly, is the Holy Spirit. When we receive the gift of the Holy Spirit, it just remains a pretty package until we unwrap it and receive it. Pray to receive the truth of how treasured you are.
Hi Bonny,
Thank you. First let me clarify that I wasn’t saying YOU or your writing makes me feel ugly or undesireable – rather, my situation makes me feel that way.
I’m sorry for reading here. I’m sure you know there are almost no resources for higher drive wives. You did have a guest post a series on higher drive wives before, and that was nice.
I’m sorry for sharing my feelings. It really is unnecessary, and I can see how it can be detrimental to others. Nobody likes a complainer. I apologize that I let my emotions compel me to comment.
If I could share just one thing that might be helpful, I wish I convince lower drive women to cherish the fact that their husbands love them and are interested in them sexually. I wish more women would realize what a blessing that is. Maybe a lot of them do. But from the side of the higher drive, unpursued, often rejected wife – I can tell you I’d love to have a day, just one day, where my husband found me irresistible and wasn’t afraid to show it. I’m quite selfish, I know, but I long to know what it’s like to be loved in that way without having to come out and ask for it.
Again, I’m sorry for commenting. I must be far more annoying that I realize because you’re not the first blogger to ask me to keep my thoughts to myself. I’m sorry. It’s never my intention to cause hard feelings. I cannot talk to my sisters, as they would enjoy my situation and tell me it’s just proof of how ugly they’ve always told me I am. It’s not the kind of thing you discuss with friends, especially when they all rave about how much their husbands love them and then lament about how much he wants them sexually. We tried counseling, but the counselor dealt with my husbands anger and stress and then told us we’d done a good job thanks and see you later. We barely even touched on anything that was bothering me. I guess it just wasn’t important. Perhaps I make a bigger deal out of being unwanted than I should. Maybe it really just doesn’t matter.
I was doing well, trying to put it behind me and not care. For whatever reason, these feelings have reared up again. I will do my best to tamp them back down where they belong.
Thank you again for your kind words. Again, my apologies. I can’t guarantee I won’t read, but I will do my best not to comment on a blog that is not meant for me, but is meant for normal wives who are loved and desired. Thank you for sharing your thoughts in a kind and gentle way.
Sweet Becca, there is nothing to apologize for! I merely want you to be aware of your triggers and protect yourself from getting overwhelmed with the negative feelings.
You are very right to remind women with low sexual interest to appreciate their husbands. I think it is good to hear this and I appreciate your honesty.
I don’t want you to feel apologetic, I want you to figure out how to feel empowered. It’s not that I don’t want you to comment! I want you to figure out how to grow past this, like a caterpillar cocoons for awhile and then becomes a butterfly. I want you experience this transformation. There are two ways to approach feelings, you can either try to control them, or you can replace them. Maybe it would be beneficial for you to find a female Christian counselor in your area just for you, not necessarily your marriage.
I want you to read, but not if it makes your heart hurt.
I am delighted to be your sister in Christ. And if you need to contact me, you can always email me at pearlmail3@gmail.com.
Hang in there, girl.
Bonny – You did a great job of explaining this.
I agree the evidence is in, but society is ignoring what the evidence says. We need to stop thinking the few women who are “on fire before anything ever starts” are the norm, because they are not. There is nothing wrong with them, but they are just different and not the way most women are.
Thank you, Paul. I want wives and their husbands to realize good sex happens more because of what is going on outside of the bedroom. I know some wonderful High Drive wives and I don’t want them to feel like they’re weird. I just want the marriages that are struggling in a mismatch to understand what is going on. It’s not like what we’ve been taught.
This is so good, Bonny. What a great perspective and a great resource.
Becca, you may be in the minority of women, but probably 75-80% of men feel just like you do. I suggest reading thoughts directed at how men are encouraged to deal with this issue. It’s a tough one. Thanks Bonny! The million dollar question is how can we get these “normal” women to be more flirty, grabby, curious, interested, confident, enthusiastic, vocal, adventurous, and all the other fun adjectives that we associate with a quality sexual relationship at least part of the time.