Here’s why building a friendship is so important for wives with low sex drive.

“Emotional libido” is a term I use sometimes to describe a wife’s desire to be sexual based upon her emotional connection to her husband.  It is not physical sensation, but an emotional one.  Women who have limited physical sexual urges often rely upon a solid emotional connection to drive her interest in being sexual.  Because, unlike men, low drive wives aren’t “turned on” at the mere mention of sex and that is perfectly normal!  See: Rethinking Low Libido:  Low Sex Drive or Normal Woman?

Therefore, a great friendship will create a great deal of “emotional libido.”

Building a friendship with my guy was as simple as getting him to talk…..  Simple?  No, it wasn’t simple.

He was not a talker.  He did not come from a family of big talkers.  I come from a family that never shuts up.

His silence felt like rejection until I realized maybe conversation is just a skill that he didn’t learn in childhood since his family was so quiet?

I was born talking and arrogantly didn’t think I needed to learn anything.  Well, apparently I had a lot to learn (or unlearn, whichever way you want to look at it).

So, we built the skill together with a deck of conversation cards.  After a while, we didn’t need the cards because it became natural.  Also, Dave’s job transition into business development (sales) helped.   Now, he talks (and listens) for a living and his skills have overflowed into our marriage.  On my side of things, I learned to be much better at listening and neutrally responding.

This proved to me that you can learn to converse on a deeper and more intimate level, it’s not just instinct.

Even if conversation isn’t a big need of yours, it is necessary for building a friendship.  Of course, there are other facets to friendship, like having fun together, feeling secure in your relationship through trust, commitment, and support.  But, for today, we’re just talking about conversation because most of us aren’t mind readers.  It takes the spoken word to know what your other half is thinking, needing, wanting, mulling, etc.  Knowing this is how we build emotional libido (a.k.a. emotional intimacy) which has a direct correlation to sexual interest.

There is an art to good conversation.

Conversation will begin to unlock the bedroom door for marriages where the wife has low sex drive.

Here are a few thoughts that might help both of you feel relaxed enough to whole-heartedly join the conversation.

The art of silence.

Just because you have been blessed with the gift of gab doesn’t always make you a great conversationalist.  Some talkative people don’t realize that a conversation includes two people, not just one long monologue.  Great conversations are 50% your words and 50% his.  Don’t hog the show.

This was part of my skill building.  I had to learn to shut up long enough for him to develop his thoughts and actually speak them.  I had to learn the art of silence.  It involved saying my piece or asking my question and then being quiet until he spoke.

Typically, women have more connections in their brain that enables quicker thought and response to spoken word.  Men have less connections which makes processing for them a bit slower.  Please understand, this means slowness of processing, not slowness of intelligence.  We’re just wired different.

Ladies, give his brain the time to process and then speak.  Do not jump in because you are uncomfortable with the silence.

The art of acceptance.

Sometimes, we hold our words back due to fear of judgement, criticism, and arguments.  Holding back stagnates your relationship.  Only through sharing honestly does emotional intimacy, and consequently friendship, grow.

There is a way to disagree without condemning each other.

Let me tell you something, Dave and I rarely agree 100% on anything.  We take that iron sharpening iron verse and put a few exponents on it.

Give and take will relax the conversation.

Our conversations were mostly arguments until we learned that on some matters, we don’t have to agree!  Respect each other enough to allow a difference of opinions on inconsequential issues.

Now, of course, on the weightier issues (faith, morals, finances, parenting values) we do try to align.  But, even within our Christian theology (outside of salvation) we have differences and have learned that it’s OK.

If a weightier issue needs to be hammered out, it must be done in maturity, with a neutral tone, and a tremendous amount of humility and love.

Don’t impose yourself on your spouse.

Kill your critical spirit and desire for your spouse to conform to your will.

We are one-flesh, but that doesn’t negate our individuality.  In fact, we should celebrate our differences and be interested in our differences.  Our individual talents make us valuable to the Body of Christ.  Therefore, value your differences and don’t force your spouse to conform. Conformity does not equal unity.

“Now you are the body of Christ, and individual members of it,” 1 Corinthians 12:27.

Allowing him to voice an opinion without automatically judging or condemning his thoughts helped free him to share his heart more fully and vice-versa!

This principle helps build trust which will overflow into the bedroom.  When you value your spouse and don’t force your will on them, it frees them from hiding.  It frees the emotional energy they had been using to protect their individuality and allows that energy to be channeled into considering your wants and needs.

The art of encouragement

In spite of differences, look for things you do share in common and build those.  Speak positive things out loud to your spouse.  I know this may be uncomfortable if you didn’t come from a family that praised each other, but it is so good for each other’s soul.  Here are some suggestions for the positive things to comment on when you see them.

“Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think [and speak] on these things,” Philippians 4:8, addition is mine.

Smile occasionally during your conversation.  It’s the fastest way to find your light-heart.  Be genuine and honest but always with gentleness.

Good conversations leave you feeling connected, refreshed, and positive, not drained and exhausted.

The tough conversations

This post is more about general conversation skills to build a deep friendship.  However, every marriage is going to have tough conversations occasionally.  These should be approached with kindness, love, and care.

Above all remember,

“…I urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling you have received; with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, and with diligence to preserve the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace…Let no unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building up the one in need and bringing grace to those who listen,” Ephesians 4:1-3;29.

If you’ve hit a roadblock and feel you and your spouse are not communicating suitably due to animosity or unwillingness, I suggest a counselor to help you navigate the impasse.

Final Thoughts

I want to point you to some conversation starters.   Lori Byerly at The Generous Wife has developed 366 questions to help “prime the pump” to get conversations started.  No surprise, she is generously giving them to you for free.

May connecting through conversation overflow into a deeper friendship and emotional libido so that you and your sweetie can connect in the bedroom with pleasure, as well!

Some of my thoughts for this article came from this post:  https://personalexcellence.co/blog/conversation/

Photo by Alex Holyoake on Unsplash