Friendship Builds Sexual Interest

Healthy marriage, healthy sex life with the one another passages.

Because some of us haven’t really seen a healthy marriage or we came into marriage with expectations that weren’t realistic, every Sunday throughout 2020, we will discuss what goes into creating a healthy marriage. Creating a healthy marriage includes a lot of relational advice found in the one another passages in the Bible. One of the most important aspects is friendship. Did you know friendship also helps build sexual interest?

Can a spouse be a friend?

In my newlywed mind, a husband and a friend were in two different categories. There was so much sexual tension in those early days that I thought building a marriage was mostly done in the bedroom. We honored Deuteronomy 24:5, but after a time that newlywed shine tarnished.

I came to realize, it takes more than sex to build a long-term, happy, and holy marriage.

Now, seeing that I write to help wives with low sexual interest figure out how to engage their sexuality, I will not dismiss that sex is an important part of marriage. However, the foundation of sexual interest in a long-term marriage is a robust friendship.

Keep in mind though, your husband is not going to be your best girlfriend. He will be more than that.

Last week, I shared that care and concern can help your sexual interest and are important facets of friendship.

This week consider with me why friendship is important in marriage and for your sexual interest.

[info_box type=”success_box”]“Be devoted to one another in brotherly love,” Romans 12:10 (New American Standard Bible)

“Show family affection to one another with brotherly love,” Romans 12:10 (Holman Christian Standard Bible).

Or,

The Message says, “Be good friends who love deeply,” Romans 12:10.[/info_box]

After the first couple years of marriage, the obsessive, wonderful “in-love” feelings slowly fade. This doesn’t mean that you don’t love your spouse. It also doesn’t mean you aren’t “in-love” with your spouse. But the reality is, the brain chemicals of romance, a cocktail called limerence, evaporate.

When these chemicals slip out the backdoor, they take with them the juicy tingle of first romance. That is not to say, they don’t make a visit now and then, but for the most part, long-term marriage is about integrity, honoring that covenant, and making a sweet effort to stay connected. Long-term marriage cannot rely solely on biochemistry for success.

Friendship sustains the behaviors that helped us fall in-love in the first place.

Friendship is the factor that helps arranged marriages succeed. I have seen two arranged marriages in my life. Both are successes, each having been married over 50 years.

Friendship dampens hostility.

Friendship serves as a fire retardant. It moderates the heat of anger before it can become a roaring blaze. Because, it helps you grow greater grace toward your spouse.

Friendship moderates the familiarity factor.

When you go from dating to wedded life, dynamics change. A “limerence-drunk” brain sees 24/7 access to the object of love as a windfall, like winning the 600 million-dollar Powerball. But, after a time those Powerball winnings starts to look like bail money because we get used to 24/7 access. The biochemicals fade, and we see the entirety of our spouse, not just their best (which is what is usually presented during dating/engagement).

Friendship helps moderate the disappointment of realizing your spouse can’t cook, can’t dance, doesn’t always agree with you and doesn’t understand you intuitively. These realizations come with familiarity. Friendship retains loving regard while allowing it to help you see your spouse as realistically flawed. Friends don’t have to be Cinderella and Prince Charming, they can be Red and Miss Kitty (That ‘70’s Show).

How to create a devoted friendship

Friendship takes sacrifice.

The one-another passage chosen as the basis for this post comes from Romans 12. A chapter which begins by addressing selfishness in order to serve and how to readily recognize what God wants of us.

While I would rather see friendship as a joyous opportunity to connect, for some of you it may be necessary to understand that working on your marriage means sacrifice. As followers of Christ, our every motive should be in response to the reconciliation Jesus provided for us, which was founded upon sacrifice.

Suspending judgement is a type of sacrifice.

Allow your spouse to be themselves without deciding if they are right or wrong.

After I became a parent, I found this harder to do because my role as a mom was to guide and direct attitudes, understanding, and behavior. However, it was very detrimental to our marriage when I tried to parent Dave.

In counseling, this neutral acceptance is called unconditional positive regard.

Psychologist, David G. Myers, explains unconditional positive regard. “This is an attitude of grace, an attitude that values us even knowing our failings. It is a profound relief to drop our pretenses, confess our worst feelings, and discover that we are still accepted. In a good marriage, a close family, or an intimate friendship, we are free to be spontaneous without fearing the loss of others’ esteem.”

(Now, I am not saying that we can’t influence our spouse when we feel they are behaving unbiblically. We are to try to help each other. However, there is a way to influence that is without harshness and I believe it begins with neutrality before we move toward “iron sharpening iron.”)

The Trinity of Friendship – Time, Common Purpose, and Enjoyment

Although, in High School, I was a cross-clique kind of girl (I had friends in all the circles of school), my best friends were in band. This is because we spent a lot of time together working toward a common purpose doing something we enjoyed which creates the perfect recipe for friendship.

Time devoted to each other regularly.

Friendship is built in marriage by…

~spending at least 15 minutes a day giving each other your complete attention
~having date nights at least once a month.
~communicating through the day via text or phone call to say, “I’m thinking of you,” or to share something going on.

I know I am a broken record when it comes to this, but it is so important. In our current climate of constant movement and busy-ness, slowing down and prioritizing time with our spouse is imperative.

If you have young children, this will take a lot of effort to make happen. This 15-minute practice is so important because it reminds you that your marriage connection is about more than just the children.

Common Purpose

Common purpose is lending your joint effort (as a couple or as a family) to an issue bigger than yourselves to help mankind. Some go on mission trips. Some volunteer at homeless shelters. Some clean-up their community on special days. Some visit nursing homes.

However, another important common purpose in marriage is to build a better team by building up the teammates.

Do not bash each other in public or private. Do not use sarcasm toward each other to communicate, it is demeaning. One young couple I know used a lot of sarcasm during their dating days, enjoying picking on each other. I warned them that this continual mocking would eventually not be fun anymore and start eroding their relationship. I encouraged them to think about how to lift one another up rather than “pick.”

Sarcasm is a form of contempt, which Dr. John Gottman has found is an important indicator of a failing marriage.

Enjoy stuff together

Recently, a friend was puzzling over why she went to monster truck rallies when she was dating her husband because she really doesn’t enjoy them. I suggested she went because of limerence. However, he still wants her to go because she set a precedence in their dating days. What is she to do?

First, there is compromise, go to a rally or two per year.

Second, find the fun. Consider all the other elements at the truck rally. I would think that people watching would be nearly as fun as actually watching trucks at a Monster Rally. Observe the graphics on the trucks. She can appreciate and watch her husband enjoy the rally. Simply being there with him is a friendship building experience. This would be another type of sacrifice for friendship.

However, I think that there needs to be a weighted balance towards doing things you BOTH find fun.

When Dave and I were not getting along, I used to think we had absolutely nothing in common. I was wrong. We had a lot in common, my negativity just overshadowed it. However, we needed help getting out of that place of negativity. We were shown a practical way to find fun things to do. Check out this fun activity list to help you find things in common.

How does friendship help you have a better sex life?

When limerence has left the building, it is friendship the helps build sexual interest. Because not only does friendship fight the familiarity factor and dampen hostility, it builds trust. Trust is paramount to creating the relationship where two spouses are naked and unashamed. We will talk about trust in future posts.

The unconditional positive regard of friendship helps your spouse realize that your physical response to sex is unique to you and that is OK.