Two things:
First, read to the end of this post for an opportunity to see me on a webinar.
Second, I take the time to personally answer each email I receive. I haven’t made a habit of posting these questions and my answers, but I’ve decided that maybe more of you have the same kind of questions, you’re just a little too shy to ask.
So, here is the first of what I’m calling, “Brainstorm with Bonny.” It’s brainstorming, not advice exactly, because I only receive a glimpse into the marriage in these emails. What I suggest is hopefully just a starting place for YOU to consider the crux of your issue and how to fix it. The best resolutions are the ones you figure out yourself, because they stick.
If you send me a question and I post it, I commit to changing all identifying characteristics about you and will never reveal your identity unless you specifically request I do so.
Here’s our young mama’s question:
“Just a little back story – I run a part time business from home, and I homeschool my 6 children. My oldest is just a pre-teen. I’m also nursing the baby, so between nursing, cuddling, teaching, answering all the questions, and solving sibling squabbles all day long, I feel very overstimulated and “touched out” pretty much all the time.
I know this is just a passing season, and my husband is very understanding (for which I am very thankful), but it’s very discouraging for me to know this season is having a big impact on the intimacy I share with my husband. We stick to a schedule, and have sex every other day, mainly because my husband has a very high drive. He is also a very kind and considerate man.
Making sex a priority is something that is important to both of us, but most of the time, the added stimulation of sex is not appealing at all and sometimes even makes me angry. I have told my husband about how the stimulation has the opposite effect on me than it does on him, but the anger part I have internalized because I don’t think it would help for him to hear that something that is so important to him, has such a negative effect on me. I just don’t know what to do. I really hate the feeling of dread I have toward sex, but I don’t know what to do about it. I have always been low drive, but this new struggle just seems so extreme. Do you have any insight or ideas that could help me?”
I commend this young woman for making her marriage a priority in the midst of all of her other responsibilities. I was guilty of putting the kids ahead of my husband for a while. Although kids require a lot of our physical and mental attention, the husband doesn’t get discounted because he’s an adult. (However, I will say a husband should be stepping up a bit during this season because child-making required the two of them, so child-rearing also requires the two of them.)
Breastfeeding.
This gal is still breastfeeding.
I am a huge breastfeeding advocate. I breastfed all of my children, including the twins for one year. The physical process of breastfeeding, however, alters our body chemistry. It suppresses ovulation and this in turn messes with our sex drive. God designed it as natural birth control so the infant would be nurtured and have mom’s undivided attention for a span of time.
It is good for both spouses to know about breastfeeding’s effect on sex drive. Foreknowledge of this can alleviate worry that something is wrong with you. It will help your husband to know what to expect. It’s natural to have lower interest in sex during the time you breastfeed. (See: 3 Ways for a Young Mama to Feel Sensual)
Managing touch overload.
Getting away from the little ones’ touches, even if for a few hours, will help reset her system from sensory overload. Maybe her husband could manage dinner clean and kid clean up while she has a bath, leaves the house for a walk around the block, or just locks herself in the bathroom with a book for a few minutes.
Think of ways you’d like to be touched by your husband. Can he grab your pinky finger or come at you more slowly rather than fast since little ones seem to come at us like charging bulls sometimes? Tell him how you’d like to be touched in non-sexual ways that are different than toddler touches. No fanny slapping, no pony-tail pulling, but light and sweet touches.
Where is the anger coming from?
I can understand how engaging every other day is a way to fulfill her higher drive husband’s desire to be sexual.
However,
sexual intimacy is about building intimacy not just managing sexual frustration. Click To Tweet
Are her needs being considered?
If she is growing angry, it’s a sign that maybe her emotional reserves are evaporating. Anger is typically an SOS signal.
She wants to be a team player with her higher drive spouse, but frankly, she is half of the team. It sounds like her half is running on empty.
She has needs to be attended to, as well.
If he is as kind and considerate as she says, he is not going to want her to continue having sexual encounters while her anger is building. I think he would want her to feel as loved as he feels.
It is hard for our high drive spouses to understand that sexual intimacy doesn’t fill our love tanks in the same way it does theirs. It is absolutely a wonderful experience and sometimes we do crave it, but not all the time. It is easy for our high drive spouse to feel deep personal rejection when we try to talk to them about this. But, I do believe open communication is imperative. None of us should bottle it up and then explode out of the blue.
It’s OK to tell our higher drive spouses the truth. Something like, “I love you and want to meet your needs, but sexual intimacy just doesn’t fill my heart the same way it does yours. It doesn’t mean I don’t love you and I certainly don’t mean this as rejection. It means, I’m different from you and that is OK. It also means, that I need you to do some things to help me feel loved.”
[info_box type=”alert_box”]Because sexual intimacy’s goal is to build intimacy, here is a suggestion…[/info_box]
First, before you start this conversation, figure out what he can do to help you feel loved. This may take some introspection.
Do you need 30 minutes of his undivided attention (no screens of distraction) while you converse over coffee? Do you need him to fix some things around the house so your life with the littles is a bit easier during the day? Do you need some good old fashioned fun at the Bowling Alley with him?
Instead of having sex every other day, have bonding time every other day. Which means meet his desires one day and your desires the next time, and then his again, and then yours again. Have sexual intimacy on Monday (to meet his desires), then on Wednesday spend time doing what makes you feel loved, whether it is a cuddling with conversation, board game, or a foot rub. (I would not suggest screen time together. It does not build intimacy because you aren’t connecting.) Then, have sexual intimacy again on Friday, then your choice on Sunday.
This strategy builds emotional intimacy which will help the anger dissipate. You will feel heard and can continue to build your friendship.
I suggest this for two reasons. As a family with 6 young children, time is precious. Plus, I think the time divided between his needs and her needs shows that each spouse values the other equally.
However, through time, as she starts to feel valued again, she may joyously increase the frequency.
Build intimacy by attending to both spouses’ needs, not just the higher drive’s.
If you look at her pattern, she has been consistently understanding of meeting him in the bedroom. I might not suggest this if there had been a pattern of refusal.
I promote consistent sexual intimacy, but not at the expense of either spouse. Please know that if you feel angry about sexual intimacy, that is a big red flag that something is not right. It’s especially important to evaluate what is going on if anger is a new emotion you are feeling in regards to a regular activity.
Join me in an exclusive FREE webinar
and get a copy of my book, Unlock Your Libido!
April 26, from 6-7 p.m. EST, Dr. Jessica McCleese, Christian clinical psychologist/sex therapist, has invited me to chat about how to manage mismatched sex drives in marriage.
It’s free (and so is the book), but registration is necessary. I hope to “see” you there!
Just follow this link.
This post rang so many chords for me.
This same thing has happened to me twice in my marriage of 30 years.
The first was during a stressful time trying to work full time, having a 2 year old with night terrors, and having a newborn that we were trying to keep healthy enough to undergo heart surgery. I was anxious, exhausted, scared, and completely depleted. Hubby still had his needs.
“It is hard for our high drive spouses to understand that sexual intimacy doesn’t fill our love tanks in the same way it does theirs.”
What a true statement….for me at least. The last thing I needed or wanted was sex during those times. But, I didn’t communicate my needs.
I bottled them up and continued to give and give until I almost reached a point of hating sex. Bad plan.
After healing from that episode, I have often wondered if this is why some women start to refuse during stressful times. Either they have never expressed their needs, they continue to discount their own needs, or hubby just doesn’t hear them or just doesn’t get it. They continue to give until they have nothing left to give. At which point refusal is used as a form of self survival.
Second episode was during a time I was caring for my dying Mother. I was up all night with her, physically caring for a very weak person, emotionally going through anticipatory grieving. Once again, I was exhausted emotionally, physically, and spiritually. Hubby still had needs.
This time I said something. This time he gave me time and space. He lived through it. Time passed. I eventually got to a point where I could appreciate sexual intimacy again.
Sex has never done for me what it seems to do for my husband. It just hasn’t. Yes, it’s nice, it builds intimacy, but it “just doesn’t fill my
heart” the same way it does his. I think that’s sad for him but it seems to be true.
Gratitude for the post.
Yes, a lot of us don’t communicate our needs because we don’t think we have permission and sometimes, we’re just oblivious that we even have needs.
I think when we come to a point where we appreciate each other’s differences, no one is disappointed. We fill each other’s tanks in different ways because it makes us more well-rounded. Dave doesn’t enjoy conversations as much as I do. But, he regularly talks to me. He finally realized that my view of sexual intimacy was very similar to his view of conversations. It’s just the way it is. It makes it all the sweeter when he goes the extra mile to have a good meaty talk, and the same when I really show up in the bedroom. 🙂
My guess is that she’s angry because she’s continuously giving and not receiving anything in return.
She’s giving all day long to her children and then has sex every other day to fulfill her husband’s desires, and perhaps there is just nothing in it for her. Does she climax every time? Or has sex become only for her husband?
Perhaps she’s feeling that she NEEDS to have sex so frequently to keep her higher drive husband happy and that is making her more and more resentful, especially if she might not be getting any real enjoyment from it. It’s become one more duty to her. And if she isn’t speaking up, he may not realize there is any problem.
She needs to have a long talk with her husband and explain completely how she is feeling to help elevate the anger and release those emotions which often helps to help alleviate the anger and release those emotions so they can start moving forward in making some decisions on how best to keep the intimacy alive in their marriage in which both are mutually satisfied.