I found a forgotten gem. I wrote this in honor of our 31st anniversary last August using the 31 traditional ice cream flavors of Baskin-Robbins for inspiration. In my excitement of having an anniversary getaway on Palm Beach, it didn’t get posted!
(As a quick aside…..Because I don’t run in ultra-wealthy circles, I didn’t know much about Palm Beach until we moved to Palm Beach County, FL, in 2016. Palm Beach is a barrier island just east of West Palm Beach, which makes sense doesn’t it? West Palm Beach is west of Palm Beach! Duh! Anyhoo, it is truly a different world. I felt like a barefoot kid rubbing elbows with swanky-old-money-Jimmy-Choo-shoes-wearing-socialites. It’s where Lily Pulitzer originated. On “the island,” there is an unspoken dress code for locals, designer upscale business casual. I love new experiences and it was definitely a glimpse into a culture about which novels are written. A glimpse is all I need because I’d rather be barefoot than wearing Jimmy Choo’s.)
Now back to the topic at hand.
How did we get our marriage back on track after a long season of mismatched sex drives? Here are some things we did that may help you get your marriage back on track, too.
Here are 31-ish flavors of a renovated sex life.
Banana Nut Fudge – We quit taking ourselves so seriously. Go bananas and get a little nutty! Laughter promotes a better sex life. Don’t worry about what your face looks like during orgasm. Sex isn’t supposed to be stoic.
Black Walnut & Rocky Road – This brings to mind dark and rocky things. Without the darkest time of our marriage and sex life, we wouldn’t have found the brightest time of romance (in and out of the bedroom). If you are in a dark time, have hope.
Here’s the hope. Marriage can evolve into life that is glorious with cherry-red sweetness. All it takes is prayer, finding resources (Read about one of our favorite resources: Thanksgiving in the Bedroom), finding real life mentors to walk your marriage out of a dark season, and most of all willingly working in all ways possible to better yourself and your part of the relationship.
James 1:2, “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds.”
Burgundy Cherry – Red cherries are sweet but sometimes have pits. Just like marriage, it’s mostly sweet but there are the occasional pits of conflict. Our sex life blossomed into cherry-red sweetness when we had realistic expectations and managed conflict with lots of grace.
Realistic expectations are built by internalizing the fact that we married a flawed person. Sometimes we are let down. Things that can irritate each other are using a nasty tone of voice, or forgetting something important our spouse told us.
When this happens, to manage it, we give each other permission to gently bring the bad behavior to our attention and hold us accountable. The offended spouse needs to speak of these thing with compassion. The offending spouse needs to not react in anger when we are told about our bad behavior. We give lots of grace by trying to look at every situation through each other’s eyes.
Hypothetical situation: Dave snapped because he had a long day with mean people. I can either gently remind him that I am not one of those mean people while I let him know I appreciate that he is overwhelmed with stress, Or, I can go the extra mile and try to make the rest of his night calm. Either way is okay. We don’t always call each other out on bad behavior. But, if bad behavior returns to a habit, it’s time to bring it up. The person who has had the bad behavior listens with an open heart (not defensive) and the person talking is very gentle with their words.
Cherry-red sweetness is managing conflict with grace so that the rest of your marriage isn’t tarnished by feeling rejected and condemned. That’s when your sex life will flourish.
Proverbs 15:1, “A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”
Butterscotch Ribbon – Buttery, oily, lubricated love. Lubricant is your friend! Get playful in one simple way, start experimenting with lubricants! (Find lubricant I recommend here)
Song of Solomon 4:15, “You are a garden spring, a well of fresh water, and streams flowing from Lebanon.”
Cherry Macaroon – Technique was not an issue in this mismatched marriage. We actually fit together quite well. The thing was I saw sex as an extra, like the cherry on top. Some crave the release of orgasm. But, I didn’t. My need to be organized and structured overshadowed the ability to let loose. I had to learn to let loose, to relax. He helped me relax by becoming more of a team player in home maintenance and home care. I can’t relax if my space is overly disordered. So, basically, I learned to be more relaxed while he stepped in to help keep things organized. I no longer see sex as the cherry-on-top but part of our thriving marriage. (See: Coconut Cake of Marriage and Sex)
Chocolate Chocolate, even in its most basic form, is full of deep, rich complexities,
Chocolate Almond very much like the true depth of sexual intimacy. When I realized that sex is
Chocolcate Chip much, much more than a physical release, I became curious. I wanted to
Chocolate Fudge experience sexual intimacy more and more so that I could hone my perception.
Chocolate Mint You see, the complexities are very subtle. A whole new world opens up once
Chocolate Ribbon you overcome the notion that sex is only a physical release. Understanding
that my husband experienced emotional vulnerability through every act of
sexual intimacy with me, made me feel like I had finally found the connection
with him I’d been craving. I began to see sexual intimacy as something for me,
too! The last step was understanding that there was much spiritual connection
and meaning in physical intimacy. (See: 25 Reasons God Made Sex Really Good.)
Coffee The bitter flavor of coffee is an acquired taste. For some spouses with low
Coffee Candy sexual interest it may seem like an acquired taste. But, let me reassure you, once you decide that you are going to work toward building better sexual intimacy, you will see a difference in the level of closeness you feel with your spouse. (See: Rethinking Low Libido) You’ll come to crave that physical connection as much as you do your morning cup of coffee (or tea!).
Date Nut – Make room for date night. In our busy world, it won’t happen unless you make it! My favorite kind of date is one where we can talk and laugh. Dinner out, for me, is the best! Add in bowling and I’m in heaven. (I absolutely stink at bowling, but I like it a lot.) The best dates are when you can connect and aren’t staring at a screen (phone, movie, or stage).
Date nights help you remember you’re not just a mom, there’s a flirty woman inside. Don’t have a lot of money? Here are some creative and cheap date night ideas from the Romantic Vineyard Blog: Cheap Dates.
Egg Nog – In our house, egg nog is a holiday tradition, as well as, treating ourselves to anniversary celebrations each year. What are your traditions? Revisit your traditions if you haven’t enjoyed them in a while to spark some sweet romance.
French Vanilla – Ooo La La! French Maid Costume, anyone?
Green Mint Stick – How do you refresh a stale marriage? CHANGE THINGS UP. You know that saying, “If you always do what you always do, you’ll always get what you always get?”
How do you change things up? Do something you’ve never done before!
Never tried on a slinky bra? Go to Victoria Secret and do it!
Never sang karaoke? Go on a cruise and do it!
Never cruised? Save your pennies and go on the three-day to the Bahamas out of Ft. Lauderdale.
Lemon Crisp – Another refreshing flavor! Lemons remind me of things that are clean and crisp. Keeping your bedroom clean and crisp will help you feel better about your lovemaking space. I started to pay attention to our bedroom when we were in there more. I had stacks of books beside the bed (yes, writers like to read) and the dresser tops were always jammed. I started making an effort to organize the space. Because, as I mentioned before, neatness helps my brain focus on other things. Also, clean sheets are my favorite. Make sure you change your sheets weekly!
Lemon Custard – Lemons are tangy, too. What have you done that gives you a bit of a zing? You know, that pang of adrenaline that shoots through your veins at times? Roller coasters give me that zing. But, so does seeing Mr. Muscle (a.k.a. Dave, my husband) in his Italian Don shirt with cufflinks. Yeah, I’ve discovered I really like cuff links.
Our last big zing together, aside from stuff I can’t tell you, is a helicopter ride we took in Maui two years ago. I thought I would totally freak out, because I can be a scaredy cat. Honestly, it was amazing and I’d love to go again.
Find a zing, it builds sexual interest!
Lemon Sherbet – That big lemon in the sky (a.k.a. sunshine) has helped Dave and I have a better outlook. Funny how not being grumpy helps the marriage bed. Find ways to be in the sunshine, especially in the winter when the sun finally peeps out. It will make a world of difference, I promise! (The Winter Blues are a real thing. See: Seasonally Squelched Intimacy)
Maple Nut – I’m not a fan of maple. My mother was, though. Here are 12 things my mother said about marriage.
Orange Sherbet Sex scheduling helped our marriage produce more fruit (and no, “fruit”
Peach is not a code term for orgasm.) When we were battling over sex, we
Pineapple Sherbet couldn’t see past our own misery. When things calmed down because
Raspberry Sherbet we had come to agreement on frequency, we had the emotional
Strawberry strength to care for others.
Peach Do your kegels! They help with the ultimate moment and overall comfort.
Peppermint Fudge Ribbon Peppermint is cool, kind of frosty. Which makes me think of the movie,
Peppermint Stick Frozen, and its earworm song, Let It Go. Which is a winding path to my next point, let the grudges go! There is a statute of limitations on being offended. You cannot bring up junk from 15 years ago that you
worked through. Now, if something happened recently, address it and put it to bed and then let it go. You can’t hang onto stuff and move forward. The more stuff I let go, the more connected I felt to my husband and he worked harder to love me like Christ.
Vanilla – Some people think vanilla is boring. But, there’s nothing wrong with lots of vanilla sex. (Don’t know what I mean by vanilla sex? That is sexual intimacy with no frills, no fancy clothes, no fancy moves, just a position that gets you both there.)
Variety can be fun, but if you are just beginning to renovate your sex life, lots of vanilla sex is still lots of sex. Did you know that having consistent, frequent sexual intimacy will actually prime you to want more? Thus, for the gal who struggles, “getting busy” more frequently will help you want to “get busy” more frequently.
Vanilla Burnt Almond – When you are ready to take your vanilla sex life to the next level, you bump up to Vanilla Burnt Almond. It might be a new position, a new location, or just a new pair of earrings (and nothing else)! Whatever it is, let your creative energy flow!
Final Thoughts
Your “sex life” isn’t a compartmentalized part of your world as the term implies. Your “sex life” is an overflow of every other part of your life and marriage melding into one. So, you see, building sexual interest often isn’t about sexual technique. It’s about your emotional surroundings and the quality of your relationship with your spouse.
Bonny, I read your post today about the 31ish thoughts on renovating your sex life and came upon “Green Mint Stick” and “Vanilla Burnt Almond” – they both suggest to do something different. So, my question is: if my husband asks is we can do/have a three-some (using another woman, not a man), should I give in to this? I don’t think it is something that we/I should be doing because 1. I should be enough for him 2. what if he falls so far for it and wants “that” with “that third person” over and over again” and 3. what if this involves me having to have sex with this woman (I am no where near being a lesbian nor do I want to be or pretend to be one)….The thing is: it seems as though my husband desires this and he has talked about it so much that I too have had some thoughts about it, like, well, maybe if we went on a far away vacation and did this with someone we will never meet or know again, maybe it would be okay!…. what are your thoughts?
Rebecca, adding a third person to your marriage bed is not what I meant by spice it up. I want God’s best for your marriage and God’s best is for you and your husband to always keep love making between only the two of you, husband and wife. Even though lovemaking has tons of physical pleasure, God’s intention for lovemaking is threefold. 1) to make precious babies (only 2 people are needed for that). 2) to build emotional and spiritual intimacy between husband and wife. 3) to give you a physical representation of what it is to yearn to have intimacy with God. Sexual intimacy was designed to only take place in the covenant of marriage because it reflects the fidelity we should have with God since we are under his covenant of love. His covenant of love was Jesus.
So, it doesn’t matter if you are on a different planet and you would never meet the alien again, you should not involve another person in your love making (that includes a real person and pornography).
What I meant by spice it up is to try a new position (just the two of you), go to a hotel for the night (just the two of you), try a flavored lubricant, wear lingerie or something fun, light a fragrance of candle you usually don’t buy, use a feather, use your imagination. Because, really, the marriage bed has very few boundaries, but involving a third person is one of the boundaries you shouldn’t cross.
“Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral,” Hebrews 13:4.
Yes, you are to be enough for your husband! You may want to read more about what the Bible says about this see my post, Libido Boundaries and then have a gentle discussion with him that this is not something that is good for either of you or your marriage.