“I hate sex, but I’m trying not to.”
You might have landed on this blog because a phrase like this is running through your mind.
I said a phrase very similar at the beginning of “phase 2” of our marriage. This blog was born in 2012 when I finally cleared the hurdle to see sex as more of a celebration than a place of burden.
Interested in our backstory? Here are some pertinent links.
Sex: the problem or the solution?
Miserable Marriage/Magical Marriage
Bonny’s Bio
As a low drive wife with a higher drive husband, how do you move from “I hate sex,” to “I’m OK with sex,” to “I love sex,” or at least really like it?
Build a strategy
I suggest a strategy that moves from working with the most tangible aspect of your life to the least tangible – your body, your theology of sex, your emotional connection with your husband, and your attitude.
Your body
Not feeling a hint of sexual desire prior to lovemaking?
Here are three things to help.
First, get a wellness check from your family doctor to rule out any kind of health issue. Ask whether medications you are currently using could reduce your sexual interest (See Don’t Cool Down for some examples).
Second, read, Bioidentical Hormones: Menopausal Snake Oil?, and decide whether seeing a hormone specialist in your area might be worth a try.
Third, and don’t hate me for this….prioritize exercise. Make time for it, build it into your schedule. It is a must for women with low sexual interest. Exercise continues to be a libido booster and attitude adjuster for me, aside from the other health benefits in the long run. Please read: Exercise Boosts Libido
Your theology of sex
How do you see sexual intimacy as it relates to God and the Bible?
The messages many of us heard about sex prior to marriage revolve around, “NO! Don’t do it!!” Then, there is a magic moment when all bets and clothes can come off. We understand intellectually the moment we say, “I do,” gives us immediate permission to have sex because we’re married. This understanding, however, at times has very little ability to erase the years of NO pounded into our conscience. See relevant posts: Transforming False Belief and Virgin Bride, flip the switch from no to yes!
Or, maybe you were a promiscuous youth. Once married you’re wracked with guilt and don’t know if you even deserve to have a good sex life with your husband.
One way to work through both of these issues is to join my blogging sister, Chris of The Forgiven Wife, as she leads Passion Pursuit studies (based upon the book of the same name by Dr. Juli Slattery).
I also recommend reading Rethinking Sexuality by Dr. Juli Slattery to deepen your understanding of sexual theology.
Eventually, you can start to assimilate the fact that God designed sex within marriage and he wholeheartedly approves of it. It’s OK to be a wife who feels sexual things. It’s OK to have fun having sex with your husband.
25 Reasons God Made Sex Really Good
Your emotional connection with your husband
Building a better emotional connection with your husband is basically building a better friendship with him. No, your husband is not going to be your best girlfriend, he is going to be more than that.
My Cowboy is Not My Best Friend
When marriage is in the thick of child-rearing it’s easy to forget that your spouse is not just a co-parent, but a dear friend with fears and insecurities and maybe a good sense of humor that is buried under diapers.
Here is a great practical book for building emotional connection.
Intimacy: 100 Day Guide to Lasting Relationships – Dr. Doug Weiss
What if you don’t like him very much right now?
I’m Just Not In Love With Him
Want Sexual Interest to Grow? Eliminate These
Your attitude toward sex
First of all, pray about your attitude! It’s absolutely OK to pray about your sex life. After all, The Best Sex Starts with Prayer.
Second, you control your thoughts. It’s a daily decision to feel that sex is good and celebrated. Some days you’ll struggle more than others to make this decision, but you can do it! To help your mindset grow more positive, eliminate negative words about sex from your vocabulary. It’s not “dirty” or “nasty” or “wicked.” It’s “steamy” and “fun” and “a party.” Don’t participate in conversations that bash married sex or marriage in general.
Third, your friendship with your husband also influences your attitude about sex. Do you care about him? Do you care about him enough to see sex in a different light? Most higher drive husbands feel radically different about sex than the lower drive wives. Here are two items for you to consider with an open mind and heart that tries to explain things from his side.
Fourth, consider that it’s relatively normal for some women in long term marriages to have very little physical desire or sexual steaminess prior to “gettin’ busy.”
Please read this pivotal post, Rethinking Low Libido: Low Sex Drive or Just Normal Woman?
Or listen to the podcast, Female Sexual Response.
Fifth, If you have past sexual trauma this can highly affect your attitude toward sexual intimacy with your husband. Please seek professional counseling to help reconcile your experiences with your marriage. I highly recommend this book as a starting point, On the Threshold of Hope by Dr. Diane Langberg, for sexual trauma survivors.
Final Thoughts
How do you become a wife who enjoys sex?
Start with what I’ve listed above.
Tune into your body (through health and exercise), work through your sexual baggage (theology, attitude, and possible trauma with a professional counselor), and build your friendship with your husband.
Make the decision to put this verse into practice daily. Keep asking, keep seeking, keep knocking.
“So I say to you, ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened,” Luke 11:9-10.
Have hope! You can move from saying, “I hate sex,” to “I am a high drive wife when it comes to desiring connection with my husband!”
Additional Resource
Unlock Your Libido is my book that I wrote as another resource. It has lots of ideas to think about in your journey toward being a wife who enjoys sex.
Photocredit: Linus Nylund on Unsplash
