Steamy chemistry ignited first romance with my husband. It sealed our marriage. It was like magic. Fifteen years later, where did the chemistry go?
Somehow we had slipped into a place of misery. Although not all couples have a higher drive husband and a lower drive wife, some do. That was us.
We had problems relating and were so disconnected.
My gestures of love for him were met with hostility. The ways I knew to show my love didn’t include sexual intimacy. We were at odds.
As his frustration grew, his talking ceased. I felt rejected. Who wants to make love when you feel misunderstood and empty?
Our shared belief in the Lord was still in place. However, strife continued in spite of doing all the God-stuff: attending church, Bible study, etc. I tried to be the Proverbs 31 wife. (Have you ever noticed that there’s nothing in that list that mentions sexual intimacy?)
Why couldn’t we connect? (Here’s why….)
Counseling didn’t quite work. Books helped some. Our invisible barrier dissolved when the Lord sent a marriage class into our life. The insight was stunning.
It boiled down to this.
We emotionally connect in two totally separate ways. Conversation is my key. Sex is his.
Call me clueless. It had never dawned on me that sex was anything more than a physical release, certainly not an emotional experience.
For a long season, we prayed to understand the invisible barrier that kept us from sharing our original spicy allure.
The Lord heard and slowly guided us to treasured wisdom.
“…inclining your heart to understanding; …if you seek wisdom like silver and search for it as for hidden treasures, then you will understand the fear of the Lord and find the knowledge of God,” Proverbs 2:2-5.
Sex is my husband’s most intimate conversation.
Once we understood that sexual intimacy and emotional intimacy are interwoven, we began tearing down the barrier and presto! The magic started to reappear.
This sounds so simple, right? In a way it was. We quickly felt closer. However, bad habits are hard to break. Years of poor communication and poor sexual response had to be undone in order to remain in our new place of intimacy.
God’s design of our complementary natures is amazing!
The complementary cravings of husband and wife work together to fill in each other’s weak spots.
A low libido wife doesn’t crave sexual intimacy. However, it is most excellent for her physical, emotional and, yes even spiritual health. A husband might not crave emotional intimacy through conversation. However, it promotes health for him, too.
Knowing my husband’s key to emotional intimacy was sex and that sex is really good for both of us, I had some work to do. I had to figure out the trick to convincing myself to engage in sex while not having much of a sex drive.
I started to see that maybe my physical drive would never be what it once was. But, I could be a high drive wife emotionally and spiritually.
Every interaction with my husband, not just conversation, helps me to emotionally bond. Since he travels frequently for business, we had to optimize together-time. Increased connection in all areas of our life meant my increased interest in practicing steamy bedroom unity.
My husband picked up on this correlation, too. He no longer begrudged hanging out exclusively with me and started talking up a storm! He took much more interest in me outside of the bedroom.
A low libido wife’s simple prescription for restoring magic.
There really are no tricks or rocket science involved.
Spend time together, a lot of time, preferably one on one. I know with young families this isn’t an easy feat.
~ Pray together. #1 priority. Pray about your sexual disconnect, if it’s present.
~ God’s Word. Early morn or late evening, read a verse or two out loud and discuss.
~ Play together. Date nights, fly kites, fish, ride bikes, blow bubbles, etc.
~ Work together. Do home maintenance projects together or run errands together.
~ Praise each other.
~ Discuss your dream vacation or your bucket list of experiences to fulfill.
Have an attitude of unity.
~ Choose not to judge or be offended. When you were first dating, no one flinched when deepest darkest secrets were revealed. Open your mind to another’s point of view. It’s neither right nor wrong. It’s just different.
~ Choose to satisfy. Your spouse’s needs are probably not much different from when you first married. Remember the magic? You were happily meeting that desire then, and you can again. Discuss what this means with one another. It may be sex, but it may be something else, too.
Decide to make love in spite of low libido but address the low drive.
Not all women have physical cravings for sex before engaging. This is normal!! The key is building sexual interest.
However, there are ways to help increase the low physical desire. They include:
~ Lack of emotional connection. (Here’s how to build it.)
~ Lack of understanding regarding sex. (Here’s God’s design of sex. God doesn’t just approve, he encourages it!)
~ Lack of experiencing pleasure during sex. (Here are some thoughts for achieving climax.)
~ Past abuse. (Read this book: On the Threshold of Hope by Dr. Diane Langberg.)
~ Imbalance of hormones
~ Stress/Anxiety
~ Chronic illness/Physical pain
~ Exhaustion
~ See a doctor for a physical assessment.
Final thoughts
Every marriage is different – but if sex is a sore spot in your marriage, it’s time to take stock. Unity in marriage means the desires of both are taken seriously, even if you don’t understand them. If you’ve reached an invisible barrier like ours, it’s OK to seek outside help! (And I realize that sometimes the lower drive spouse is the husband.)
Happy marriages gain more than earthly contentment and physical pleasure. They are better able to help others for Christ. Hurting marriages often have only the strength to tend to their own wounds.
Much of the time, sexual connection is crucial to a healthy marriage.
“….Aim for restoration, comfort one another, agree with one another, live in peace; and the God of love and peace be with you,” 2 Corinthians 13:11.
To help build emotional connection, I highly recommend the book, “Intimacy-100 Day Guide,” by Dr. Douglas Weiss.”
